Or mabye the title would be better put as "Bus Rider of Doom".
My limited experence with the Capital Metro buses, Austin's fairly superb public bus system, have been interesting. Austin has a great bus system yes, but it also has a lot of really weird people that ride on that bus system, making any trip on the bus a pretty interesting one.
Of course, there was the time the bus freakin broke down. It was the route 30 bus that runs from Downtown to the Barton Creek Mall. I decided to take it to the Zilker Park area while I had new tires put on my car (ironically, the cost was identical to that of the ipod that I don't own). I stood with a bunch of people who were late for work, and waited for another one. Fortunately I didn't have to work until 7. An interesting thing about the breakdown is that it was one of the newest buses.
Then there's tonight, which features the continuance of my car’s apparently chronic case of breaking down, always a completely different problem than the one that had been fixed six weeks earlier. I left it at work, hoping that the skills of a car-genius known as "Matt" will magically heal it in the next few days, and walked to the nearest bus stop (about a mile and a half). I took that to Guadalupe so I could get on the "1" bus that goes straight to my apartment. I don't mind riding the bus, I'm not really afraid of "weird" people. However, things on the bus got a little too weird. After stopping at 6th and Congress the bus was near seating capacity, a couple of people were standing. I sat, quietly and peacefully reading the paper when I heard the bus driver, a thirty-something African-American woman (who, by the skilled administrative tone in her voice, has certainly done some parenting in her life) telling a couple of riders to settle down. I looked across the aisle to see two older men, one far older, both apparently either drunk or needing to be, shouting at each other. Apparently some argument between the two was spilling into a shouting match…essentially a verbal cockfight. One guy emphatically stating that he was a Vietnam veteran, while the other obviously older guy shouting that he was a Korean War Veteran (since it happened earlier on America’s timeline, I guess it means he’s better or something)…It was sad but I, and almost everyone else, were getting a little uneasy, the Hispanic guy next to them especially so. I had already had a long day so I stepped off the bus, and then back on when I saw that one of the guys had gotten off the bus. The older guy told the bus driver that it wasn’t his fault, saying “he started it”, in the same way that I did to my mom when I was six, and pointing at the younger vet. The younger vet then dated himself, and his logic, by blaming it on the “Mexican” guy. I guess that makes sense if you’re an apparent alcoholic and grew up in the 50’s.
The long and the short of the story is that they were separated, and the rest of the ride home was noticeably quiet. It was a really interesting thing to observe. It’s got me thinking a great deal about life, bitterness, and the human condition. I guess I should get used to this sort of think if I’m going to Los Angeles this summer.
- Jordan
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Pope Benedict XVI
My thoughts on the choice of Archbishop John Ratzinger as the new pope:
I'm not Catholic so it doesn't affect me all that much but I was personally hoping that would go with someone who's less of a hardliner (but still not too compromising). I kind of thought one of the Latin American candidates would have been good for the church too allthough from what I'm reading it seems that Cathloics there are overall happy with the choice, espeically due to his adherence to traditionalist orthodoxy. He seems like a good guy but I'm not a huge fan of some of the archaic policies. Time does change things. I'm not talking about having someone who would be a leftist, because if church actions stray from church teaching then there would be less unity and more division, I think.
I hope that he will reach out to Protestant groups the way that John Paul II did...but from some of his statements it sounds like he'll be less likely to do that. I believe the two main groups have made phenomenal reconcilitory progress in the past few decades (just look at the unilaterally positive response to "The Passion of the Christ" from both groups), but there is still a great deal to be done. From a Protestant perspective I think that it is possible because ultimately Catholics and Protestants agree on the single most importiant point (and I believe, the only crucial point to the Christian faith...the unified response to the "Passion" proves this) which is of course Salvation though the death and ressurection of Jesus. Beyond that though, the two sides have some extremely significant differences. I really don't want to see the relashonship between the two main parts of the Church to regress when so much has been done to reverse a bitter and divided history.
- Jordan
I'm not Catholic so it doesn't affect me all that much but I was personally hoping that would go with someone who's less of a hardliner (but still not too compromising). I kind of thought one of the Latin American candidates would have been good for the church too allthough from what I'm reading it seems that Cathloics there are overall happy with the choice, espeically due to his adherence to traditionalist orthodoxy. He seems like a good guy but I'm not a huge fan of some of the archaic policies. Time does change things. I'm not talking about having someone who would be a leftist, because if church actions stray from church teaching then there would be less unity and more division, I think.
I hope that he will reach out to Protestant groups the way that John Paul II did...but from some of his statements it sounds like he'll be less likely to do that. I believe the two main groups have made phenomenal reconcilitory progress in the past few decades (just look at the unilaterally positive response to "The Passion of the Christ" from both groups), but there is still a great deal to be done. From a Protestant perspective I think that it is possible because ultimately Catholics and Protestants agree on the single most importiant point (and I believe, the only crucial point to the Christian faith...the unified response to the "Passion" proves this) which is of course Salvation though the death and ressurection of Jesus. Beyond that though, the two sides have some extremely significant differences. I really don't want to see the relashonship between the two main parts of the Church to regress when so much has been done to reverse a bitter and divided history.
- Jordan
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Work
I was talking with a former co-worker who just got back from spending a few weeks in a place known as Italy. While catching up with her I mentioned that I was working alot and said "work is a part of my life right now"...to which she replied: "It's probably going to be that way the rest of your life". 'Good point', I thought.
Work is a part of life, a big one...and except for an extremely slim minority of aristocratic history, humans have had to work, alot...often just to survive. In my case, I'm fortunte that work means just paying rent, bills, car expenses, and food...the fortunte part is that none of those things (except for food, which I would still be able to get in some way) directly affect my survival...only less crucial stuff like school and hanging out.
This has been on my mind because I have been working a lot lately. Well, 30 hours a week is a lot when you're in the midst of the most busy part of the college semseter as well. I'm tired, tired of doing things and yet I have to and will always have to. If I don't do things my life will be a waste and that's something I don't ever want to happen.
Work is a part of life, a big one...and except for an extremely slim minority of aristocratic history, humans have had to work, alot...often just to survive. In my case, I'm fortunte that work means just paying rent, bills, car expenses, and food...the fortunte part is that none of those things (except for food, which I would still be able to get in some way) directly affect my survival...only less crucial stuff like school and hanging out.
This has been on my mind because I have been working a lot lately. Well, 30 hours a week is a lot when you're in the midst of the most busy part of the college semseter as well. I'm tired, tired of doing things and yet I have to and will always have to. If I don't do things my life will be a waste and that's something I don't ever want to happen.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Tom Delay
I recently realized that my political views have in a subtle way become very independent. They are some what in flux as I am learning and thinking about what I think and believe a great deal. I take a more conservative stance on some issues, and a more liberal one on others...which I guess makes me a moderate, I declared myself to be an independent. Moderation is a huge change for me considering my background. One of the people that has encouraged this moderation is House Majority Leader Tom Delay (R-Sugar Land).
In Delay you have someone that I truly despise, a career politician, a seemingly and increasingly corrupt politician (read the link, which like most stories will probably be dismissed by Delay and his conservative allies as "the partisan liberal media" trying to attack him)...the more I read and the more I learn the more I believe that Delay is not only capable of ethics violations, I would be shocked, knowing the ruthless, dog eat dog partisan way that he operates, if he isin't guilty of even more.
This is a man that bullied the Texas Legislature into a rare mid-decade redistricting plan, and was open and proud of the fact that it was a purely partisan attempt to elect as many Republcan congressmen as possible, with absolutely no reguard to the representation rights of voters in communities that have been literally torn apart in a congressional represnation sense. "We're trying to elect as many Republicans as possible"...the opposition did everything they could to stop it but it passed and has so far survived legal challanges (but faces many more).
The worst victim of course, is Austin, punished for it's liberal voting patterns. Austin is now offically the largest city in America that is not truly represented in Washington. Lloyd Doggett is the only legistator based in Austin, and his "fajita district", one of three, streches all the way to McAllen. The rest of the city is split between four other districts, one that streches to Houston and the other to New Mexico. I'm surpsied Delay didn't just push for a resoultion authorizing the President to use military force against the city. It's so bad that I couldn't tell by looking at the state map, which district I live in. It happened to be Doggett's, other parts of the city are represented by people who don't know or don't care about Austin. It wasn't until I moved to Austin (from San Marcos) last summer that I realized how absolutely wrong this is...and I'm not even a Democrat. Honestly I find the divisional, polarized, obsessive, rampant partisan nature of our Government for which Delay is the poster boy, increasingly infuriating.
Delay cares only about his party...not about his Country, not about the people he represents. Really, I think he just cares about his self-righteous self. Good job Tom, your the number one reason that his person from an extremely conservative background and community no longer will even consider idenfifying himself with your party.
And now Delay is being snowed under with reports that he's broken countless ethics rules...and I hope they bury him.
That's my political rant of the week.
- Jordan
In Delay you have someone that I truly despise, a career politician, a seemingly and increasingly corrupt politician (read the link, which like most stories will probably be dismissed by Delay and his conservative allies as "the partisan liberal media" trying to attack him)...the more I read and the more I learn the more I believe that Delay is not only capable of ethics violations, I would be shocked, knowing the ruthless, dog eat dog partisan way that he operates, if he isin't guilty of even more.
This is a man that bullied the Texas Legislature into a rare mid-decade redistricting plan, and was open and proud of the fact that it was a purely partisan attempt to elect as many Republcan congressmen as possible, with absolutely no reguard to the representation rights of voters in communities that have been literally torn apart in a congressional represnation sense. "We're trying to elect as many Republicans as possible"...the opposition did everything they could to stop it but it passed and has so far survived legal challanges (but faces many more).
The worst victim of course, is Austin, punished for it's liberal voting patterns. Austin is now offically the largest city in America that is not truly represented in Washington. Lloyd Doggett is the only legistator based in Austin, and his "fajita district", one of three, streches all the way to McAllen. The rest of the city is split between four other districts, one that streches to Houston and the other to New Mexico. I'm surpsied Delay didn't just push for a resoultion authorizing the President to use military force against the city. It's so bad that I couldn't tell by looking at the state map, which district I live in. It happened to be Doggett's, other parts of the city are represented by people who don't know or don't care about Austin. It wasn't until I moved to Austin (from San Marcos) last summer that I realized how absolutely wrong this is...and I'm not even a Democrat. Honestly I find the divisional, polarized, obsessive, rampant partisan nature of our Government for which Delay is the poster boy, increasingly infuriating.
Delay cares only about his party...not about his Country, not about the people he represents. Really, I think he just cares about his self-righteous self. Good job Tom, your the number one reason that his person from an extremely conservative background and community no longer will even consider idenfifying himself with your party.
And now Delay is being snowed under with reports that he's broken countless ethics rules...and I hope they bury him.
That's my political rant of the week.
- Jordan
When You Wake Up I'll Be Gone
The Get Up Kids, one of my all time favorite bands (you've probably seen me wearing the shirt) are breaking up. It's sad, for me at least, but they've had a great 10 year run and I finally got to see them last year. Their music has meant alot to me. They will be missed.
They appreciated their fans so much, wrote genuine music, were class acts..espeicially Matt Pryor (lead singer), played an incredible live show, and appreciated their fans like few other bands do (repeated for emphasis).
I'm really pretty sad about the news. I have so many good memories attached to their music. The music world needs more bands that have the qualites that this band has.
Thanks for the music and the memories guys.
- Jordan
They appreciated their fans so much, wrote genuine music, were class acts..espeicially Matt Pryor (lead singer), played an incredible live show, and appreciated their fans like few other bands do (repeated for emphasis).
I'm really pretty sad about the news. I have so many good memories attached to their music. The music world needs more bands that have the qualites that this band has.
Thanks for the music and the memories guys.
- Jordan
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Expletives and Explinations
Much in the same way America lost the race to put a man in space to the Soviets, by waiting too long to take the risk to act on their capabilities and ideas...so I have also lost the race, of sorts, to write a post on the topic of profanity to Michael Warren Rice.( http://dailyrice.blogspot.com/ ) Losing to Mr. Rice is not necessarily an insulting thing of course, but still, I hate to lose.
I have a problem with profanity. I say problem in the sense that in a culturally realitive way whenever I react to stress, anger, shock, suprise, disapointment and related things by dropping a random set of cutting expletives. This problem has actually worsened in the past couple of years. I am by no means a "casual" swearer, and the colorfulness of my language is a pretty direction reflection of how I am on the "happiness/sadness" scale. I tend to show restraint when I am around people that I want to like me (which is most people), but it seems that my ability to restrain myself even around them is getting weaker.
There is the question of what is profanity, and is it wrong? Or is it merely wrong because a culture says it is so...and does this in turn make it wrong? I can't answer that question. I don't know enough to, I can't assume anything. All I know is that this is a "problem" for me, and I need to correct it but I don't seem willing to take a step in that direction.
More on this coming soon.
I have a problem with profanity. I say problem in the sense that in a culturally realitive way whenever I react to stress, anger, shock, suprise, disapointment and related things by dropping a random set of cutting expletives. This problem has actually worsened in the past couple of years. I am by no means a "casual" swearer, and the colorfulness of my language is a pretty direction reflection of how I am on the "happiness/sadness" scale. I tend to show restraint when I am around people that I want to like me (which is most people), but it seems that my ability to restrain myself even around them is getting weaker.
There is the question of what is profanity, and is it wrong? Or is it merely wrong because a culture says it is so...and does this in turn make it wrong? I can't answer that question. I don't know enough to, I can't assume anything. All I know is that this is a "problem" for me, and I need to correct it but I don't seem willing to take a step in that direction.
More on this coming soon.
San Marcos, Drink It In, It Always Goes Down Easy. Founded By the Germans in 1905...
Another post, another Anchorman related title...but the similarities between the names of San Marcos and San Diego (mainly the word San, a name which scholars maintain the translation to was lost centuries ago...allright I'll stop, eventually)
This, if you haven't guessed yet, is a post about San Marcos. I have been wanting to write about this subject (San Marcos) for a long time. I have lived there (Sophmore/Junior year of Texas State...2003-04), and I chose to leave it, as many Texas State upperclassmen do, to live in Austin this year for various reasons...mainly oppurtunities to make money and support myself and the expenses necessary for remaining in school (rent/food/etc)...but also for other reason.
So here, uncensored and unabridged, is my dialouge on San Marcos. Enjoy.
---
I like San Marcos...for the most part. I'll admit to that. I lived there on campus at Texas State University and despite the smallness of the town (and the realitive largeness of the school in the middle of it) I got along pretty well. I guess I'm starting with the things that I like about the place because I don't want this to be construed as a bitter and negitive rant and giving the impression that I hate the town...I definitely don't.
San Marcos is a beautiful town...by Texas standards it's a very beautiful town. It's the antithesis of the city I grew up around, Temple...which was an allright place but like most Texas towns it's very spread out, suburbanized and rather plain and boring. San Marcos is definitely not...it's dense, scenic, and clean. The buildings in San Marcos basically look really nice, and most notably it's on the edge of the beautiful Texas Hill Country. San Marcos has a special feel to it. It has a great deal of potentinal. This post isin't about Texas State (allthough as a part of San Marcos, Texas State is a part of what I am talking about) but I'll say that the campus is very beautiful as well. My favorite college campus in Texas that I've visited...well, I'm biased. I like UT alot...espeically the area around UT...definitely when compared with the dictionary definition of an ugly campus that sprawls across College Station (sorry Dan, I couldn't resist the oppurtunity).
Other good things, for a town of 35,000 San Marcos has a good number of cool places to hang out, great parks, a couple of cool coffee shops, nearby outdoor stuff, and of course, the river. But, as with any smaller town, it's saving grace, at least to a city-loving person like myself, is it's proximity to a much larger and far more dynamic and interesting city...Austin. Downtown Austin is only 25 miles away and that was always the number one thing I would mention when people would ask me if I liked it in San Marcos. "It's really cool, downtown Austin is only 25 miles away" I would state. It sounds like an insult (but it's really not) when I say that the best thing about San Marcos is Austin. In my opinion that's the truth and I'll explain it toward the end of this post.
But then there is a cauldron of rather ugly issues that lie beneath the quaint surface of the town. I think I'm going to speak to these in another post that will likely be titled "What's Wrong With San Marcos?". The living in Austin versus San Marcos as a Texas State Student issue, an issue that is often met with silence by most in the community, will be dealt with in another entry as well. I have my reasons for my decision to live in Austin, and I have theories as to why thousands and thousands of fellow upperclassmen have made the same decision, and they are theories that do not reflect well on San Marcos. I'll leave this one as a nice, sunny, and for the most part positive post about a generally nice town.
This, if you haven't guessed yet, is a post about San Marcos. I have been wanting to write about this subject (San Marcos) for a long time. I have lived there (Sophmore/Junior year of Texas State...2003-04), and I chose to leave it, as many Texas State upperclassmen do, to live in Austin this year for various reasons...mainly oppurtunities to make money and support myself and the expenses necessary for remaining in school (rent/food/etc)...but also for other reason.
So here, uncensored and unabridged, is my dialouge on San Marcos. Enjoy.
---
I like San Marcos...for the most part. I'll admit to that. I lived there on campus at Texas State University and despite the smallness of the town (and the realitive largeness of the school in the middle of it) I got along pretty well. I guess I'm starting with the things that I like about the place because I don't want this to be construed as a bitter and negitive rant and giving the impression that I hate the town...I definitely don't.
San Marcos is a beautiful town...by Texas standards it's a very beautiful town. It's the antithesis of the city I grew up around, Temple...which was an allright place but like most Texas towns it's very spread out, suburbanized and rather plain and boring. San Marcos is definitely not...it's dense, scenic, and clean. The buildings in San Marcos basically look really nice, and most notably it's on the edge of the beautiful Texas Hill Country. San Marcos has a special feel to it. It has a great deal of potentinal. This post isin't about Texas State (allthough as a part of San Marcos, Texas State is a part of what I am talking about) but I'll say that the campus is very beautiful as well. My favorite college campus in Texas that I've visited...well, I'm biased. I like UT alot...espeically the area around UT...definitely when compared with the dictionary definition of an ugly campus that sprawls across College Station (sorry Dan, I couldn't resist the oppurtunity).
Other good things, for a town of 35,000 San Marcos has a good number of cool places to hang out, great parks, a couple of cool coffee shops, nearby outdoor stuff, and of course, the river. But, as with any smaller town, it's saving grace, at least to a city-loving person like myself, is it's proximity to a much larger and far more dynamic and interesting city...Austin. Downtown Austin is only 25 miles away and that was always the number one thing I would mention when people would ask me if I liked it in San Marcos. "It's really cool, downtown Austin is only 25 miles away" I would state. It sounds like an insult (but it's really not) when I say that the best thing about San Marcos is Austin. In my opinion that's the truth and I'll explain it toward the end of this post.
But then there is a cauldron of rather ugly issues that lie beneath the quaint surface of the town. I think I'm going to speak to these in another post that will likely be titled "What's Wrong With San Marcos?". The living in Austin versus San Marcos as a Texas State Student issue, an issue that is often met with silence by most in the community, will be dealt with in another entry as well. I have my reasons for my decision to live in Austin, and I have theories as to why thousands and thousands of fellow upperclassmen have made the same decision, and they are theories that do not reflect well on San Marcos. I'll leave this one as a nice, sunny, and for the most part positive post about a generally nice town.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
I'm Completely Miserable San Marcos: An Open Letter To My Friends at Texas State University
Note: The title of this post is an Anchorman reference, and for the most part is intended in a joking matter...I am not, personally "completely miserable"...I highly recommend seeing the film if you haven't yet, then you'll understand many of the things that I say.
Dear friends,
This is a GENERAL letter, not written to any one person, but to a GROUP. As a rule, please do not take anything that is said here personally, because none of it is meant personally, at all. The goal of this is to just be honest and hopefully give a better understanding of where I am coming from on stuff, and of my situation, and how I feel about things.
First off, I apprecaite and love all of you guys very much. If I didn't, I wouldn't be hanging out with you. In fact, I wouldn't be writing this. In this entry I am going to be completely honest. I am not going to censor myself in anyway.
My time is a very valuable to me. I have a lot to do. It takes far more effort for me to hang out with people than it does for the average student. I'm taking upper level classes, working 20-30 hours a week to pay ALL of my bills, living in Austin so I can have that job to pay rent and stay in school and future internship, and trying to maintain a very high G.P.A. that I'm assuming will help me out in the long run. At the same time, I'm trying to keep up with what is an often fragile (or so it seems) relashonship with God...and raising money to go to L.A. this summer is already taking a great deal of time. This dosen't leave me with a lot of free time...so if I'm spending it with you, that means a lot, or at least to me it means a lot, or else I wouldn't be doing it. Many of my friends do not need to work, are taking basic classes still or do not devote as much time to studying as I do...which gives them much more time to hang out and in general I theorize that their supply/demand ratio of free time makes it much easier for them to "get to know" other people and hang out with them. In short...in comparison to me I think it is just hard for some people to realize how devoted I really am to all of my friends and how importiant I think they are. Because I'm around a little less, but to be around that much takes so much concentrated effort. I have to plan out way in advance when I can spend time with people. It's not the way I want it, but it's the way it is.
When I don't feel accepted in return, it hurts. I need acceptance...of course I shouldn't be looking for it anywhere but from God...but I do...because I'm human and I'm wired in that flawed way. I understand that I have my share of shortcomings, that I can be hard-headed, critical, that my personality is one rooted in dominance, that I like to be in charge, that I can say offensive things without thinking, that I am very self-centerd...but that doesn't change the fact that I deeply want to feel accepted. I want people to meet me where I am and accept me? Is that so difficult? What am I doing wrong? I need to know. What needs to change?...I often do not realize when I am doing something wrong until somebody TELLS me...if no one tells me I assume they haven't cared about me and that is the reason. When I don't get invited to things, when I have to go way out of my way to find out what is going on, it doesn't exactly strengthen my fragile self-esteem and my finely tuned sense of acceptance...or the lack thereof. I love communication and fellowship, but only if it is reciprocated. If it is not, then I am quickly discouraged and I'm life with two options: lash out or withdraw. As temporarily satisfying as lashing out would be, I usually choose withdrawl, or worse, passive agressive actions designed to manipulate and hurt the people that I feel have shunned me.
I've been told that the problem is internal...and ulimately it is. But this doesn't mean that it cannot be positively affected by EXTERNAL sources. Many of the major behavioral changes that I have experenced in my life can be traced back to a single moment of a friend caring enough to tell me about something...just a simple sentence in most cases can spark a revolution in my personality. Only a simple act of compassion and real genuine love is often enough to help me change.
I understand that I don't often listen enough...that's why sometimes it takes several times of someone telling me something for me to act on it. However, I am becoming a better listener and in this area I am going to naturally listen because I am clueless on what to do about it.
I've been told that I need to do more to be involved and "get to know" people in the group...but how much more can I do? I crave fellowship and community so badly that I sacrifice much needed study time, much needed sleep, gas, money, whatever to hang out with "the group" and to spend time getting to know them. I shouldn't be required to personally know everyone in CRU for example, in order to be invited to something that involves over 20 people in the group, 10 of whom are likely to be good friends of mine. As much as the internal nature of the problem that I have is the dominant reason, this doesn't justify anything. I still want to be loved, I still want to be accepted...and I don't believe there is anything wrong with that and I don't think I should feel bad for wanting that, or for feeling hurt when I sense that I am contenually rejected and essentially given little value as percieved by the group as a whole.
Please, again, do not think I am speaking personally to anyone. I am smart enough to distinguish between individuals and groups...I am also smart enough to know that most of what I think and feel is a lie...and that I am greatly loved. What I need help with is actions that fight these negitive thoughts, not reenforce them. Not being invited by anyone to Ethan's party (this is no fault of any single person, please don't think I am blaming any single person) is the latest in a series of events that have greatly reenforced my growing sense of self-doubt and negitive thinking that ultimately is also directed at myself. I need to see people making some sort of effort, genuine effort, to make me feel like I am worth something to them...otherwise I am going to become more discouraged in this area. Because I can't make myself stop being this way, I don't have the power to. I need help. I need you guys, I need you guys to show me that I matter to you. I know untimately the only being that I truly NEED to matter to is God, but I am human, I have emotions, I have a sense of self-worth. I am imperfect...I feel that I need approval from my friends and because of this emotionally based "need", I am greatly affected by it. This letter is not about the Friday's party either...allthough that event has served as the catalyst for me writing this because my tolearnace for the status quo has reached it's end as of today. I have felt like this many times, but I haven't expressed it, at least to more than one person...and that is my fault. This all is ultimately my fault and I feel miserable about it.
Please show me that I don't need to jump though any more hoops to feel accepted, included, and loved. Please help me guys. I'm not as emotionally strong as I like to seem. I'm being honest here because it's the only way I think I can truly shed light on what I am feeling here. I have to be vunerable because otherwise how will anyone know? I love you guys, honestly. Otherwise I wouldn't be cutting my already inadaquate amount of sleep that I will get tonight by another hour.
Those of you who read this: Derek, Sean, Micheal etc...I really appreciate you guys. Honestly. I promise this is not directed personally toward any of you guys. It's to everyone in the mass of people that can generally be known as "CRU"...an amazing group of people that I wish I could be fully included and welcomed into someday, instead of the constant limited and peripheral feeling that haunts my association with the group.
- Jordan
Dear friends,
This is a GENERAL letter, not written to any one person, but to a GROUP. As a rule, please do not take anything that is said here personally, because none of it is meant personally, at all. The goal of this is to just be honest and hopefully give a better understanding of where I am coming from on stuff, and of my situation, and how I feel about things.
First off, I apprecaite and love all of you guys very much. If I didn't, I wouldn't be hanging out with you. In fact, I wouldn't be writing this. In this entry I am going to be completely honest. I am not going to censor myself in anyway.
My time is a very valuable to me. I have a lot to do. It takes far more effort for me to hang out with people than it does for the average student. I'm taking upper level classes, working 20-30 hours a week to pay ALL of my bills, living in Austin so I can have that job to pay rent and stay in school and future internship, and trying to maintain a very high G.P.A. that I'm assuming will help me out in the long run. At the same time, I'm trying to keep up with what is an often fragile (or so it seems) relashonship with God...and raising money to go to L.A. this summer is already taking a great deal of time. This dosen't leave me with a lot of free time...so if I'm spending it with you, that means a lot, or at least to me it means a lot, or else I wouldn't be doing it. Many of my friends do not need to work, are taking basic classes still or do not devote as much time to studying as I do...which gives them much more time to hang out and in general I theorize that their supply/demand ratio of free time makes it much easier for them to "get to know" other people and hang out with them. In short...in comparison to me I think it is just hard for some people to realize how devoted I really am to all of my friends and how importiant I think they are. Because I'm around a little less, but to be around that much takes so much concentrated effort. I have to plan out way in advance when I can spend time with people. It's not the way I want it, but it's the way it is.
When I don't feel accepted in return, it hurts. I need acceptance...of course I shouldn't be looking for it anywhere but from God...but I do...because I'm human and I'm wired in that flawed way. I understand that I have my share of shortcomings, that I can be hard-headed, critical, that my personality is one rooted in dominance, that I like to be in charge, that I can say offensive things without thinking, that I am very self-centerd...but that doesn't change the fact that I deeply want to feel accepted. I want people to meet me where I am and accept me? Is that so difficult? What am I doing wrong? I need to know. What needs to change?...I often do not realize when I am doing something wrong until somebody TELLS me...if no one tells me I assume they haven't cared about me and that is the reason. When I don't get invited to things, when I have to go way out of my way to find out what is going on, it doesn't exactly strengthen my fragile self-esteem and my finely tuned sense of acceptance...or the lack thereof. I love communication and fellowship, but only if it is reciprocated. If it is not, then I am quickly discouraged and I'm life with two options: lash out or withdraw. As temporarily satisfying as lashing out would be, I usually choose withdrawl, or worse, passive agressive actions designed to manipulate and hurt the people that I feel have shunned me.
I've been told that the problem is internal...and ulimately it is. But this doesn't mean that it cannot be positively affected by EXTERNAL sources. Many of the major behavioral changes that I have experenced in my life can be traced back to a single moment of a friend caring enough to tell me about something...just a simple sentence in most cases can spark a revolution in my personality. Only a simple act of compassion and real genuine love is often enough to help me change.
I understand that I don't often listen enough...that's why sometimes it takes several times of someone telling me something for me to act on it. However, I am becoming a better listener and in this area I am going to naturally listen because I am clueless on what to do about it.
I've been told that I need to do more to be involved and "get to know" people in the group...but how much more can I do? I crave fellowship and community so badly that I sacrifice much needed study time, much needed sleep, gas, money, whatever to hang out with "the group" and to spend time getting to know them. I shouldn't be required to personally know everyone in CRU for example, in order to be invited to something that involves over 20 people in the group, 10 of whom are likely to be good friends of mine. As much as the internal nature of the problem that I have is the dominant reason, this doesn't justify anything. I still want to be loved, I still want to be accepted...and I don't believe there is anything wrong with that and I don't think I should feel bad for wanting that, or for feeling hurt when I sense that I am contenually rejected and essentially given little value as percieved by the group as a whole.
Please, again, do not think I am speaking personally to anyone. I am smart enough to distinguish between individuals and groups...I am also smart enough to know that most of what I think and feel is a lie...and that I am greatly loved. What I need help with is actions that fight these negitive thoughts, not reenforce them. Not being invited by anyone to Ethan's party (this is no fault of any single person, please don't think I am blaming any single person) is the latest in a series of events that have greatly reenforced my growing sense of self-doubt and negitive thinking that ultimately is also directed at myself. I need to see people making some sort of effort, genuine effort, to make me feel like I am worth something to them...otherwise I am going to become more discouraged in this area. Because I can't make myself stop being this way, I don't have the power to. I need help. I need you guys, I need you guys to show me that I matter to you. I know untimately the only being that I truly NEED to matter to is God, but I am human, I have emotions, I have a sense of self-worth. I am imperfect...I feel that I need approval from my friends and because of this emotionally based "need", I am greatly affected by it. This letter is not about the Friday's party either...allthough that event has served as the catalyst for me writing this because my tolearnace for the status quo has reached it's end as of today. I have felt like this many times, but I haven't expressed it, at least to more than one person...and that is my fault. This all is ultimately my fault and I feel miserable about it.
Please show me that I don't need to jump though any more hoops to feel accepted, included, and loved. Please help me guys. I'm not as emotionally strong as I like to seem. I'm being honest here because it's the only way I think I can truly shed light on what I am feeling here. I have to be vunerable because otherwise how will anyone know? I love you guys, honestly. Otherwise I wouldn't be cutting my already inadaquate amount of sleep that I will get tonight by another hour.
Those of you who read this: Derek, Sean, Micheal etc...I really appreciate you guys. Honestly. I promise this is not directed personally toward any of you guys. It's to everyone in the mass of people that can generally be known as "CRU"...an amazing group of people that I wish I could be fully included and welcomed into someday, instead of the constant limited and peripheral feeling that haunts my association with the group.
- Jordan
Unraveling Conclusions
I've come to a few conclusions in my life...but just because they are conclusions doesn't mean they are the truth, nor are they immune to change.
1. Most actions are done with the perception of others in mind, reguardless of how hard a person tries to avoid this pattern.
2. All human love is conditional.
The second one is the most depressing...and I hope it isin't true.
I've been somewhat consistently depressed lately. That's unusual for my "new self".
1. Most actions are done with the perception of others in mind, reguardless of how hard a person tries to avoid this pattern.
2. All human love is conditional.
The second one is the most depressing...and I hope it isin't true.
I've been somewhat consistently depressed lately. That's unusual for my "new self".
Monday, April 04, 2005
Time to Chill Out, Sonically, With These Laid Back Tunes
I love making mix cds. I also love music that I can chill out to. With that in mind, I've put together a mix of extremely awesome yet chilled out songs to chill out to. For those of you keeping score at home; here is the tracklist.
1. Modest Mouse - Sleepwalkin'(3:23)
2. Elliott Smith - Pitseleh (3:22)
3. Slowreader - Fallen On the World (3:11)
4. American Football - But The Regrets Are Killing Me (3:54)
5. The Appleseed Cast - Bird of Paradise (2:24) (instrumental)
6. The Postal Service - There's Never Enough Time (3:33)
7. The New Amsterdams - Picture In The Paper (2.59)
8. The Weakerthans - One Great City! (2.54)
9. The Shins - New Slang (3:51) (This song always ends up on my mix cds)
10. The Microphones - After N. Young (1:16)
11. American Football - You Know I Should Be Leaving Soon (3:43)(Instrumental)
12. Pedro The Lion - Of Up And Coming Monarchs (3:02)
13. The Get Up Kids - Campfire Kansas (3:03)
14. The Appleseed Cast - A Tree For Trials (1.28)
15. Jimmy Eat World - 12.23.95 (3:53)
16. Death Cab For Cutie - Debate Exposes Doubt (4:36)
Oh yea, Sean (Raybuck), in case you're wondering, this is the cd that I was jamming out to in the car on Sunday...yea, there you have it.
1. Modest Mouse - Sleepwalkin'(3:23)
2. Elliott Smith - Pitseleh (3:22)
3. Slowreader - Fallen On the World (3:11)
4. American Football - But The Regrets Are Killing Me (3:54)
5. The Appleseed Cast - Bird of Paradise (2:24) (instrumental)
6. The Postal Service - There's Never Enough Time (3:33)
7. The New Amsterdams - Picture In The Paper (2.59)
8. The Weakerthans - One Great City! (2.54)
9. The Shins - New Slang (3:51) (This song always ends up on my mix cds)
10. The Microphones - After N. Young (1:16)
11. American Football - You Know I Should Be Leaving Soon (3:43)(Instrumental)
12. Pedro The Lion - Of Up And Coming Monarchs (3:02)
13. The Get Up Kids - Campfire Kansas (3:03)
14. The Appleseed Cast - A Tree For Trials (1.28)
15. Jimmy Eat World - 12.23.95 (3:53)
16. Death Cab For Cutie - Debate Exposes Doubt (4:36)
Oh yea, Sean (Raybuck), in case you're wondering, this is the cd that I was jamming out to in the car on Sunday...yea, there you have it.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Art Is Hard
I guess this is my offical Donald Miller entry. I didn't expect to run into him. I wanted to meet the guy but he had to go somewhere after I saw him speak on Thursday. If you don't know who he is, he's the author of two somewhat profound books called "Blue Like Jazz" and "Searching for God Knows What"...which my friend Michael Rice ( http://dailyrice.blogspot.com/ ) astutely calls: "required reading for the high-school youth group members and semi-cool-20-something Christian types". I first heard about Blue Like Jazz from my friend Jon who at the time was, ironically, co-leading a small group of high school youth along with a semi-cool-20-something christian type at his church (Actually he bordered more on the complete cool side but I'm trying to compliment Rice here on a observational job well done).
Miller spoke this week at the University of Texas. I got to go one night and he was a good speaker, very conversational, funny and insightful, just like his books. I read Searching for God Knows What on the plane back from Seattle a couple of weeks ago and I found it very appropriate subject matter that complimented a lot of the things that I've been mentally restling with in the realms of Christian "religion" and "spirituality" and the importiance of the relashonal aspect of faith...relashonship with God and fellowship, the many things that can be learned, though relashonships with peers.
I didn't get to attend for his final speaking engagement on Friday...so I didn't expect that I would meet him. I mainly just wanted to shake his hand and tell him that I appreciate his books. Today I was working at Mozart's, not thinking about much except rearranging the bakery cases next to the bar. I had been looking down for several minutes trying to finish because we were approaching our normal level of Sunday Afternoon sales activity that can be best described as a feverish. I got things arranged like I wanted and looked up and there just three feet away across the counter was the extremely recognizable face of Don Miller. Now I'm not the type that goes nuts over celebreties, even people who can be described as such in a very loose way within the context of a small like minded group (as defined by Michael Rice above)...but I was nevertheless pretty startled. Suprised enough at least to blurt "holy s--t"...just quietly enough that I don't think he heard it (allthough if he did I would be funny to have those words as the introduction to my first conversation with the man). (My language gets colorful when I am either angry or just suprised (this will be the topic of another thread about a certian character flaw involving my choice of words in certian situations).
To make a long story short (because it really isin't a long story anyway, allthough with all of these parenthetical references it seems to be turning into one)...I got to meet him, tell him that I really appreciate his books, mention that he had meet several friends of mine (which prompted a request that I deliver a shout out for him, so if you guys are reading this and you met him on Friday, he says hi). I also got to make him an espresso shake...and I made sure that it was a good one.
In retrospect I wouldn't have been suprised if he had dropped in during one of the days he was speaking. Miller often speaks and writes glowingly of the time he spends in coffee shops, and we've got the best darn coffee (and setting) in Austin so of course he would show up eventually. I just thought he had left town by now...but hey, it's Austin, I can understand someone staying longer than they had to.
Thus ends my only foray into name dropping for the week.
In case you're curious about the title, it doesn't have anything directly to do with the entry. I'm just listening to Cursive and it's a cool title for a song so I went with it. Allthough I do consider Miller's books to be artistic in the way that they draw from personal experences to make good points, something that is hard to do, just like art. Of course, at Mozart's, I tend to make drinks that are good enough that mabye you could call them art. Derek Eacho, Ethan Graham and Don Miller have all consumed the art of Jordan Stewart this week. If you're thinking that this paragraph is self serving, then you are right. But I'm just joking around...mostly.
- Jordan
Miller spoke this week at the University of Texas. I got to go one night and he was a good speaker, very conversational, funny and insightful, just like his books. I read Searching for God Knows What on the plane back from Seattle a couple of weeks ago and I found it very appropriate subject matter that complimented a lot of the things that I've been mentally restling with in the realms of Christian "religion" and "spirituality" and the importiance of the relashonal aspect of faith...relashonship with God and fellowship, the many things that can be learned, though relashonships with peers.
I didn't get to attend for his final speaking engagement on Friday...so I didn't expect that I would meet him. I mainly just wanted to shake his hand and tell him that I appreciate his books. Today I was working at Mozart's, not thinking about much except rearranging the bakery cases next to the bar. I had been looking down for several minutes trying to finish because we were approaching our normal level of Sunday Afternoon sales activity that can be best described as a feverish. I got things arranged like I wanted and looked up and there just three feet away across the counter was the extremely recognizable face of Don Miller. Now I'm not the type that goes nuts over celebreties, even people who can be described as such in a very loose way within the context of a small like minded group (as defined by Michael Rice above)...but I was nevertheless pretty startled. Suprised enough at least to blurt "holy s--t"...just quietly enough that I don't think he heard it (allthough if he did I would be funny to have those words as the introduction to my first conversation with the man). (My language gets colorful when I am either angry or just suprised (this will be the topic of another thread about a certian character flaw involving my choice of words in certian situations).
To make a long story short (because it really isin't a long story anyway, allthough with all of these parenthetical references it seems to be turning into one)...I got to meet him, tell him that I really appreciate his books, mention that he had meet several friends of mine (which prompted a request that I deliver a shout out for him, so if you guys are reading this and you met him on Friday, he says hi). I also got to make him an espresso shake...and I made sure that it was a good one.
In retrospect I wouldn't have been suprised if he had dropped in during one of the days he was speaking. Miller often speaks and writes glowingly of the time he spends in coffee shops, and we've got the best darn coffee (and setting) in Austin so of course he would show up eventually. I just thought he had left town by now...but hey, it's Austin, I can understand someone staying longer than they had to.
Thus ends my only foray into name dropping for the week.
In case you're curious about the title, it doesn't have anything directly to do with the entry. I'm just listening to Cursive and it's a cool title for a song so I went with it. Allthough I do consider Miller's books to be artistic in the way that they draw from personal experences to make good points, something that is hard to do, just like art. Of course, at Mozart's, I tend to make drinks that are good enough that mabye you could call them art. Derek Eacho, Ethan Graham and Don Miller have all consumed the art of Jordan Stewart this week. If you're thinking that this paragraph is self serving, then you are right. But I'm just joking around...mostly.
- Jordan
Observations on Driving Patters/The Circle(s) of Life
(Keep reading and stick with this one, I promise that it has a real point and resolves itself toward the end)
Every few weeks or so, a seemingly unimpactful five or six word sentence has a profound effect on the way that I think.
I was riding in my car today in San Marcos with my good friend Sean. As we approached a traffic light; Sean made the following comment: “You have really weird driving patterns”. I guess I do, in fact, I definitely do. However, if this is to have any real reason or point, I need to put it in context.
We had just finished with “Bobcat Build”…an amazing and huge community service project at Texas State involving something like 1,000 students and a huge orchestrated effort to send the students to various projects around the modestly sized community. Sean and I worked with the CRU group. Our project was painting the interior of a building that is home to an after school program for at risk youth. There were between 30 and 35 of us so the job went fast and we ended up playing Dodgeball as the paint was drying. Free hot dogs (a food product that will be the subject of a future entry on how some cultures tend to view food in certain other cultures as disgusting) were being served at the Bobcat Stadium we returned to the meeting site at the Bobcat Village apartments. It was along the route between there and the stadium that Sean made his (mostly likely unintentionally) profound comment.
I guess some familiarity with the urban geography of San Marcos is needed to understand, well, the urban geography in San Marcos. Essentially, the route I took to the stadium was a little longer, and completed a circle, which prompted Sean to make the comment. He’s an observant guy, he observed that I’ve often driven “in circles”, so to speak. I always enter the apartment complex where he lives though one entrance and I always leave though the other, which creates a circuitous route. I plan almost all of my road trips in a similar way, something I mentioned to Sean in acknowledgement that his observation was correct. My Spring Break trip included a long road trip which created a very well rounded circle on the map spanning 4 states and 2 Canadian provinces. I tend to follow this “weird” pattern whether I’m driving across international borders or simply visiting a friend’s apartment. When I’m navigating for a friend as they drive, and they miss a turn, my most frequently offered solution is to “circle the block”…I would rather do that then try to turn around and go back the way I came. One thing I despise on a trip is taking the same route twice when a different route (that’s not too much of a detour) can be taken on the return leg of the journey. I occasionally, just for whatever reason, drive though the west gate of my apartment complex even though my building is located right next to the east gate and it’s (no exaggeration here) a one mile drive around the circumference of the complex. I don’t follow this route nearly as often, because it’s ridiculous, but the fact that I’ve even gone this far a couple of times is telling that this really is persistent pattern. Essentially, the basic conclusion is that I like driving in circles.
The operative word in the previous sentence is “basic”. About 30 minutes later I was walking with Sean and other members of our group. Then I stopped. What he said had revealed something very precise and very important about myself that I had thought about at times, but had never truly realized the scope of how it governs my actions. I like resolution. This preference for resolution affects a holistic range of the decisions that I make. I used to state that I like finishing things, and that is true, I like when something, a task I have, or a bad song on the radio, is done. Today I realized that is a small part of my personality in comparison to the tenet that acts as an umbrella shading many aspects of my actions, decisions and personality. I like resolution. I drive in circles because, in a purely geographical sense, circles resolve. I like albums that can best be described as great albums, not merely as a collection of good songs, because the different tracks tie together and the album resolves at the end (for a good example of this, listen to album entitled “Progress” by the RX Bandits). I enjoy the sound of jazz but cannot pay too much attention to it or I become quickly frustrated at the lack of resolution. I, for the most part, dislike arguments but I love when they end in a peaceful resolution of acceptance of each side’s mutual right to exist and have opinions. I love the moment in a sporting event when the game clock reaches zero and a clear winner is determined. No more is this resolution so sharp than in the climactic goal in sudden death overtime of a playoff hockey game…which happens to be my favorite thing in sports…and not coincidentally so. I love finishing projects, so much so that the desire to finish alone motivates me even when it is hard to find enjoyment in any aspect of the processes involved in the project. My desire to accomplish goals, to finish what I start, is often powerful enough to override my often extreme lack of initiative in starting toward those goals.
It’s clear to me at least that a few conventionally formed words linked together in a conventional phrase can have a very unconventional impact. I learn so much from just random conversations about anything. I learn so much from people, just talking to people, about anything. I would love nothing more than to just spend a week in a coffee shop in Central Austin with a few of my best friends talking about anything that comes to mind. As long as we sit in a circle, return from the shop a different way than we came, and, most importantly, all of our conversations resolve at some point.
- Jordan
Every few weeks or so, a seemingly unimpactful five or six word sentence has a profound effect on the way that I think.
I was riding in my car today in San Marcos with my good friend Sean. As we approached a traffic light; Sean made the following comment: “You have really weird driving patterns”. I guess I do, in fact, I definitely do. However, if this is to have any real reason or point, I need to put it in context.
We had just finished with “Bobcat Build”…an amazing and huge community service project at Texas State involving something like 1,000 students and a huge orchestrated effort to send the students to various projects around the modestly sized community. Sean and I worked with the CRU group. Our project was painting the interior of a building that is home to an after school program for at risk youth. There were between 30 and 35 of us so the job went fast and we ended up playing Dodgeball as the paint was drying. Free hot dogs (a food product that will be the subject of a future entry on how some cultures tend to view food in certain other cultures as disgusting) were being served at the Bobcat Stadium we returned to the meeting site at the Bobcat Village apartments. It was along the route between there and the stadium that Sean made his (mostly likely unintentionally) profound comment.
I guess some familiarity with the urban geography of San Marcos is needed to understand, well, the urban geography in San Marcos. Essentially, the route I took to the stadium was a little longer, and completed a circle, which prompted Sean to make the comment. He’s an observant guy, he observed that I’ve often driven “in circles”, so to speak. I always enter the apartment complex where he lives though one entrance and I always leave though the other, which creates a circuitous route. I plan almost all of my road trips in a similar way, something I mentioned to Sean in acknowledgement that his observation was correct. My Spring Break trip included a long road trip which created a very well rounded circle on the map spanning 4 states and 2 Canadian provinces. I tend to follow this “weird” pattern whether I’m driving across international borders or simply visiting a friend’s apartment. When I’m navigating for a friend as they drive, and they miss a turn, my most frequently offered solution is to “circle the block”…I would rather do that then try to turn around and go back the way I came. One thing I despise on a trip is taking the same route twice when a different route (that’s not too much of a detour) can be taken on the return leg of the journey. I occasionally, just for whatever reason, drive though the west gate of my apartment complex even though my building is located right next to the east gate and it’s (no exaggeration here) a one mile drive around the circumference of the complex. I don’t follow this route nearly as often, because it’s ridiculous, but the fact that I’ve even gone this far a couple of times is telling that this really is persistent pattern. Essentially, the basic conclusion is that I like driving in circles.
The operative word in the previous sentence is “basic”. About 30 minutes later I was walking with Sean and other members of our group. Then I stopped. What he said had revealed something very precise and very important about myself that I had thought about at times, but had never truly realized the scope of how it governs my actions. I like resolution. This preference for resolution affects a holistic range of the decisions that I make. I used to state that I like finishing things, and that is true, I like when something, a task I have, or a bad song on the radio, is done. Today I realized that is a small part of my personality in comparison to the tenet that acts as an umbrella shading many aspects of my actions, decisions and personality. I like resolution. I drive in circles because, in a purely geographical sense, circles resolve. I like albums that can best be described as great albums, not merely as a collection of good songs, because the different tracks tie together and the album resolves at the end (for a good example of this, listen to album entitled “Progress” by the RX Bandits). I enjoy the sound of jazz but cannot pay too much attention to it or I become quickly frustrated at the lack of resolution. I, for the most part, dislike arguments but I love when they end in a peaceful resolution of acceptance of each side’s mutual right to exist and have opinions. I love the moment in a sporting event when the game clock reaches zero and a clear winner is determined. No more is this resolution so sharp than in the climactic goal in sudden death overtime of a playoff hockey game…which happens to be my favorite thing in sports…and not coincidentally so. I love finishing projects, so much so that the desire to finish alone motivates me even when it is hard to find enjoyment in any aspect of the processes involved in the project. My desire to accomplish goals, to finish what I start, is often powerful enough to override my often extreme lack of initiative in starting toward those goals.
It’s clear to me at least that a few conventionally formed words linked together in a conventional phrase can have a very unconventional impact. I learn so much from just random conversations about anything. I learn so much from people, just talking to people, about anything. I would love nothing more than to just spend a week in a coffee shop in Central Austin with a few of my best friends talking about anything that comes to mind. As long as we sit in a circle, return from the shop a different way than we came, and, most importantly, all of our conversations resolve at some point.
- Jordan
Friday, April 01, 2005
Question Three: "Why Would Jesus Be A Democrat/Why Would Jesus Be A Republican?"
This is one of the least importiant debates that we could have, yet it garners so much attention. People naively spout of some policy that proves Jesus's American political party affiliation. I will now illustrate how ridiculious this really is.
Most commonly in this part of this country, people see Jesus as a leading firebrand Southern Baptist conservative giving a speech at the G.O.P. convention about something called moral values and protecting the Upper Middle Class suburban family from losing tax dollars to lower class inner city people who, as the God of the Universe, obviously dosen't love as much because they don't have as much material stuff...later that week Jesus Christ (R-Texas) is shown on Fox News taking a break from turning water into sparking grape juice to ride his Elephant (he's not a democrat, remember) into the palm branch covered streets of Washington D.C. to help pass an 11th hour Constitutional Amendendment banning gay marrage, because that's why he died on the cross and was ressurected remember?...to keep gay people from getting married. The next day, he's baptized in the Potomac by Tom DeLay and a dove descends from heaven and hands DeLay a check for five million dollars so he can keep doing the Lord's work. He spends days in the White House planning his Second Coming, the word "Shock and Awe" is used as many times as divinely possible, he promises to use divinely guided smart bombs that will spare American citizens while he dispenses the divine justice that the rest of the World diserves. Of course the rest of his time on Capitol Hill is spent fighting for the removal of environmental restrictions on industries, because stewardship wasn't meant to be applied to creation, and material wealth is more importiant. A high wealth disparity is a biblical principle too, remember that parable about the one guy getting ten talents, while the other guy got five and the last guy got one, probably because he's lazy, the kind of person that liberals would want to give a free ride on welfare, but not Jesus. Wealth should trickle down from the wealthy to the middle and lower classes, if they work hard enough for their talent, of course this is much more work than the guy who got ten talents should be required to do, but that's because God has blessed him more so he doesn't have to work hard or worry about those who are poorer. This is because that is how God's love works, it's showered on the wealthy, and then it gradually trickles down to the middle and lower classes.
However, some invision a liberal Democratic Jesus standing behind a podium announcing a "War on Poverty", which, of course unlike LBJ's, would work...because hey, he's Jesus. His other accomplishments include dismantaling the crimial justice system saying: "Judge not or you too will be judged"...and then signing an affidavit renouncing all of the things that he said that made it into the Bible that dealt with consequences for sin. Jesus (D-Canada) signs a treaty saying that when he comes back to Earth he agrees not to ride into battle on a white horse with a huge sword, without first seeking the approval of the United Nations, and the support of Heaven's European allies. He signs massive tax increases for the weathly because the equal distribution of wealth suddently matters to Him. He is a pro-choice feminist because He somehow forgot to mention in the Bible that life doesn't begin until exactly nine months after conception, and that women are exactly like men in every way, they were just made to look, think and act differently...but saying so is not politically correct so Jesus keeps that on the down low. He authors a bill that gives preference in addmittance to heaven to non-whites because without government help they are less capable of following God than whites, but at his press conference he doesn't mention that, instead he states that as victims of hardship perpetrated by whites, Affirmative Salvation makes up for this, because decisions based on skin color are fine as long as they even out before the End Times. He dosen't believe that the book that He authored is completely factual and should be interpeted literally. Most of it is up for man to interpet the way he wants because he really didn't write it anyway, he just had a bunch of ghostwriters claim that he told them what to write.
I'm having a lot of generalized fun at the expense of this pointless, misguided and stupid debate...but I am also trying to hammer home how absolutely absurd this question is...how absoultely absurd it is to try to shape God to fit your political agenda. Yes, I'm using somewhat exaggerated generalizations, but they are not the the most exaggerated, or generalized things that have ever been said. As absurd as they sound, I have heard something to each effect from the mouths of various politicans and activists. I wish these were isolated incidents, but they're not, not in America...this is the philosophy that runs much of our Government...from the White House to City Councils. This is the frightening assumption of countless Christians who can't seperate their stance on Tax Policy from Theology.
I'm not saying any of this to attack anyone's political beliefs. I am at a poltical identity crisis right now myself...and this issue is the main catalyst actually. I don't think that the self-serving platforms of either party, or minor parties, are divinely inspired nor do I think that God can be manipulated into support any agenda. This is the one question that does not need to be answered. But it most definitely needs to be addressed. I will explain the political side to my thoughts in other threads. I just want people to open their eyes to what they are doing...to the way that they are abusing the Biblical message, and how counter-productive the akward forced marrage of politics and religion has been.
I was glad to see that, on the board, many people felt the same way that I do. It gives me hope for my generation, that they might be willing to break this destructive trend.
- Jordan
Most commonly in this part of this country, people see Jesus as a leading firebrand Southern Baptist conservative giving a speech at the G.O.P. convention about something called moral values and protecting the Upper Middle Class suburban family from losing tax dollars to lower class inner city people who, as the God of the Universe, obviously dosen't love as much because they don't have as much material stuff...later that week Jesus Christ (R-Texas) is shown on Fox News taking a break from turning water into sparking grape juice to ride his Elephant (he's not a democrat, remember) into the palm branch covered streets of Washington D.C. to help pass an 11th hour Constitutional Amendendment banning gay marrage, because that's why he died on the cross and was ressurected remember?...to keep gay people from getting married. The next day, he's baptized in the Potomac by Tom DeLay and a dove descends from heaven and hands DeLay a check for five million dollars so he can keep doing the Lord's work. He spends days in the White House planning his Second Coming, the word "Shock and Awe" is used as many times as divinely possible, he promises to use divinely guided smart bombs that will spare American citizens while he dispenses the divine justice that the rest of the World diserves. Of course the rest of his time on Capitol Hill is spent fighting for the removal of environmental restrictions on industries, because stewardship wasn't meant to be applied to creation, and material wealth is more importiant. A high wealth disparity is a biblical principle too, remember that parable about the one guy getting ten talents, while the other guy got five and the last guy got one, probably because he's lazy, the kind of person that liberals would want to give a free ride on welfare, but not Jesus. Wealth should trickle down from the wealthy to the middle and lower classes, if they work hard enough for their talent, of course this is much more work than the guy who got ten talents should be required to do, but that's because God has blessed him more so he doesn't have to work hard or worry about those who are poorer. This is because that is how God's love works, it's showered on the wealthy, and then it gradually trickles down to the middle and lower classes.
However, some invision a liberal Democratic Jesus standing behind a podium announcing a "War on Poverty", which, of course unlike LBJ's, would work...because hey, he's Jesus. His other accomplishments include dismantaling the crimial justice system saying: "Judge not or you too will be judged"...and then signing an affidavit renouncing all of the things that he said that made it into the Bible that dealt with consequences for sin. Jesus (D-Canada) signs a treaty saying that when he comes back to Earth he agrees not to ride into battle on a white horse with a huge sword, without first seeking the approval of the United Nations, and the support of Heaven's European allies. He signs massive tax increases for the weathly because the equal distribution of wealth suddently matters to Him. He is a pro-choice feminist because He somehow forgot to mention in the Bible that life doesn't begin until exactly nine months after conception, and that women are exactly like men in every way, they were just made to look, think and act differently...but saying so is not politically correct so Jesus keeps that on the down low. He authors a bill that gives preference in addmittance to heaven to non-whites because without government help they are less capable of following God than whites, but at his press conference he doesn't mention that, instead he states that as victims of hardship perpetrated by whites, Affirmative Salvation makes up for this, because decisions based on skin color are fine as long as they even out before the End Times. He dosen't believe that the book that He authored is completely factual and should be interpeted literally. Most of it is up for man to interpet the way he wants because he really didn't write it anyway, he just had a bunch of ghostwriters claim that he told them what to write.
I'm having a lot of generalized fun at the expense of this pointless, misguided and stupid debate...but I am also trying to hammer home how absolutely absurd this question is...how absoultely absurd it is to try to shape God to fit your political agenda. Yes, I'm using somewhat exaggerated generalizations, but they are not the the most exaggerated, or generalized things that have ever been said. As absurd as they sound, I have heard something to each effect from the mouths of various politicans and activists. I wish these were isolated incidents, but they're not, not in America...this is the philosophy that runs much of our Government...from the White House to City Councils. This is the frightening assumption of countless Christians who can't seperate their stance on Tax Policy from Theology.
I'm not saying any of this to attack anyone's political beliefs. I am at a poltical identity crisis right now myself...and this issue is the main catalyst actually. I don't think that the self-serving platforms of either party, or minor parties, are divinely inspired nor do I think that God can be manipulated into support any agenda. This is the one question that does not need to be answered. But it most definitely needs to be addressed. I will explain the political side to my thoughts in other threads. I just want people to open their eyes to what they are doing...to the way that they are abusing the Biblical message, and how counter-productive the akward forced marrage of politics and religion has been.
I was glad to see that, on the board, many people felt the same way that I do. It gives me hope for my generation, that they might be willing to break this destructive trend.
- Jordan
Question Two: "What Are The Paths To God?"
Almost any Christian, reguardless of demonination or affiliation, will give the same answer...but without really thinking about it. Of course I believe that answer as well, but we almost assume that it is so easily understandable that all we need to do is say it the way we learned in evangelism class...and it will be an effective answer. To a skeptical and unbelieving world (two states of mind that I understand very well) it's not, it's too easy, too simple, too unbeliveable...but untimately it's too true. Despite it's truth we tend to relate it in a ho-hum "yeah he's the real deal...I guess" sort of way. We need to be strongly grounded in our most central and crucial Biblical beliefs...we need to answer this question for ourselves and answer it as if we are truly convinced. Miller's main point this evening was that despite all of our theology and explinations and points and lists, the ultimate dynamic of our salvation comes though the simple precept of our relashonship with God...it's a relashonal dynamic that is the crucial point...but we try to make it so much more (I will talk about this in a future entry because it represents the culmination of hours of frustration over religion and actions versus my relashonship with God). Miller related a story of a girl that came up to him and asked him "Why can you say that Jesus is the answer? Why haven't you studied other religions just as much as Christiantity before coming to this conclusion". Miller's answer: "If I've fallen in love with a woman, I don't need to sleep with fifty others to know that she is the one". Very simple, sharp, but very true. In our search for closeness with God we have done so many things to make the path to God more complicated, more filled with rules and tricks to master. We've taken the simple task of a spiritual relashonship and turned it into a system where we need to become neo-pharasees in order to be a Christian. Nothing could be farther from the teachings of Christ.
Question One: How Has God Blessed You?
This question is importiant mainly because, while we try to make God fit our plans and agendas, we rarely seem to recognize His direct work in the good things that happen in our lives. This is the section of the board that, naturally, had the most positive atmosphere and responses. For the time being I am going to give more attention to the other questions, because they are much more rarely asked in evangelical circles.
Questions that Need to be Addressed More than they Need to be Answered
My previous entry did not resolve itself. That was my full intention. Where does that resolution happen? Usually an answer is given that points to religion (in this I'm including Christianity)...however, that's not the answer I'm going to embrace here.
Tonight I went to hear Donald Miller, the author of two good and somewhat profound books (Blue like Jazz and Searching for God Knows What), speak...and he did. This post isin't necessarily about that however (allthough I will address some of his posts in other entries because many of them oddly parallel conclusions that I am begining to reach about the concepts behind...in general...the religious aspects of "Christiantity"). I read the second book on the plane back from Seattle, and it helped being together many of the countless mind boggling thoughts that went though my head on that trip. So no disservice meant to Mr. Miller...he was a good speaker and I have plenty to say about topics that he specifically addressess in a future post (and in those posts I will make more of an effort to shorten any parenthetical references which have tended to run a little long in this entry).
My focus for this entry is something that gained much of my attention at Gregory Plaza this evening, before Don Miller spoke. It was a huge board, set up along the sidewalk, a board with large words written in English in with many different colored pens and markers, by very different people.
The board had four sections. Written across each section was a question. Four total. They are four questions that I believe are crucial to evaluating the entire process of Christian interaction with the world that we have been made to interact with.
Evaluation, whether the subject is theology, politics, evangelism tactics, or even styles of corporate worship, is something that I feel is greatly feared by the christian community. God forbid (pun mostly intended) that we find that we've been wrong about something. The absence of evaluation and critical examinations of the "church" lends it to methods of religious action that are archaic, ineffective, and most importiantly, equally as spiritually unfullfilling as the things that I mentioned in the previous entry. Each of the four questions highlights the general theme of subjects that I hopefully will devote entire entries to.
Tonight I went to hear Donald Miller, the author of two good and somewhat profound books (Blue like Jazz and Searching for God Knows What), speak...and he did. This post isin't necessarily about that however (allthough I will address some of his posts in other entries because many of them oddly parallel conclusions that I am begining to reach about the concepts behind...in general...the religious aspects of "Christiantity"). I read the second book on the plane back from Seattle, and it helped being together many of the countless mind boggling thoughts that went though my head on that trip. So no disservice meant to Mr. Miller...he was a good speaker and I have plenty to say about topics that he specifically addressess in a future post (and in those posts I will make more of an effort to shorten any parenthetical references which have tended to run a little long in this entry).
My focus for this entry is something that gained much of my attention at Gregory Plaza this evening, before Don Miller spoke. It was a huge board, set up along the sidewalk, a board with large words written in English in with many different colored pens and markers, by very different people.
The board had four sections. Written across each section was a question. Four total. They are four questions that I believe are crucial to evaluating the entire process of Christian interaction with the world that we have been made to interact with.
Evaluation, whether the subject is theology, politics, evangelism tactics, or even styles of corporate worship, is something that I feel is greatly feared by the christian community. God forbid (pun mostly intended) that we find that we've been wrong about something. The absence of evaluation and critical examinations of the "church" lends it to methods of religious action that are archaic, ineffective, and most importiantly, equally as spiritually unfullfilling as the things that I mentioned in the previous entry. Each of the four questions highlights the general theme of subjects that I hopefully will devote entire entries to.
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