Intelligence

4.0

That's my G.P.A. at Texas State University. I rarely mention it and avoid talking about the subject...often I even feel embarrased about it, like it makes me very different from my friends and somehow places me on a level where I cannot relate to them in an academic sense. I often think that people won't even want to discuss school related issues with me if they know what my G.P.A. is because they think that I look down on them or don't understand what it's like to struggle with school (both of which are untrue).

Speaking of love, and my self-image, there are many things about me that I dislike, more or less, even though they are not necessarily bad things, often they are positive traits. I often take a negitive view of my intelligence, trying to convince myself that I'm just average but I work really hard. Yes, I work hard at school, I work my butt off, but that dosen't change the fact that I have the ability to think on a level that is definitely not average.

My failure to accept who I am in this area is derivative of my general lack of love for myself, stemming from a lack of a pursuit of affection for God. School for most of my life was what I lived for because it was a means for acheiving what I thought was my purpose in life, being successful in a material and superfical sense. After finally becoming a Christian in 2002 that goal changed dramatically. And, while I still held on to some of my driven perfectionism, much of my life was remarkably more relaxed. I became much more concious of pride and selfishness in my life, and began to work towards thinking less of myself and more of others, something that God has really worked on greatly in my life. However, as a young christian, like a young driver, I overcompensated and quickly skidded in the other direction, begining to look at positive attributes as if they were antagoists to my relashonship with God and my spiritual life. Failing to see that God gave me certian skills for a reason, I began to dislike these areas and began to wish more and more that I was different, looking at skills (save your applause, and Napolean Dynamite references for the end please) that others possessed that I generally lack (athletic skills, opposite sex skills, mechanical skills, bowhunting skills...ok, sorry, I couldn't resist) and coveting them instead of being thankful for the skills that I have that God has given me in order to use me.

Thus, my intelligence became something that I not only downplayed, but disowned. People often tell me that I'm smart, I get it alot...and I always try to shift the subject because I do not have enough affection for who I am. I do not accept it. But, I realize that it is crucial that I do, because it is who I am and I can't change that. I can't just stop thinking, I can't be like the guy who slugs out his classes hoping to pass, or the guy who could get As if he wanted to but just doesn't work for them (it is rare to find the person, and this includes myself, who can get As with little or no effort on his part). I can't identify with that because that's not who I am. If people think I am a different form of life and not relatible because of my grades, intelligence or hard work then I just have to accept that and not run from it.

Even as I write this I am concious of sounding prideful...allthough this is actually a very humbling thing for me to discuss. I need to get over my reservations, which are untimately rooted in a lack of trust in God. I need to trust God.

So I'll say it, by human standards, I'm smart. I'm not hiding from the fact any more. I refuse to contenue to disown who God has made me to be.

- Jordan