I'm Completely Miserable San Marcos: An Open Letter To My Friends at Texas State University

Note: The title of this post is an Anchorman reference, and for the most part is intended in a joking matter...I am not, personally "completely miserable"...I highly recommend seeing the film if you haven't yet, then you'll understand many of the things that I say.

Dear friends,

This is a GENERAL letter, not written to any one person, but to a GROUP. As a rule, please do not take anything that is said here personally, because none of it is meant personally, at all. The goal of this is to just be honest and hopefully give a better understanding of where I am coming from on stuff, and of my situation, and how I feel about things.

First off, I apprecaite and love all of you guys very much. If I didn't, I wouldn't be hanging out with you. In fact, I wouldn't be writing this. In this entry I am going to be completely honest. I am not going to censor myself in anyway.

My time is a very valuable to me. I have a lot to do. It takes far more effort for me to hang out with people than it does for the average student. I'm taking upper level classes, working 20-30 hours a week to pay ALL of my bills, living in Austin so I can have that job to pay rent and stay in school and future internship, and trying to maintain a very high G.P.A. that I'm assuming will help me out in the long run. At the same time, I'm trying to keep up with what is an often fragile (or so it seems) relashonship with God...and raising money to go to L.A. this summer is already taking a great deal of time. This dosen't leave me with a lot of free time...so if I'm spending it with you, that means a lot, or at least to me it means a lot, or else I wouldn't be doing it. Many of my friends do not need to work, are taking basic classes still or do not devote as much time to studying as I do...which gives them much more time to hang out and in general I theorize that their supply/demand ratio of free time makes it much easier for them to "get to know" other people and hang out with them. In short...in comparison to me I think it is just hard for some people to realize how devoted I really am to all of my friends and how importiant I think they are. Because I'm around a little less, but to be around that much takes so much concentrated effort. I have to plan out way in advance when I can spend time with people. It's not the way I want it, but it's the way it is.

When I don't feel accepted in return, it hurts. I need acceptance...of course I shouldn't be looking for it anywhere but from God...but I do...because I'm human and I'm wired in that flawed way. I understand that I have my share of shortcomings, that I can be hard-headed, critical, that my personality is one rooted in dominance, that I like to be in charge, that I can say offensive things without thinking, that I am very self-centerd...but that doesn't change the fact that I deeply want to feel accepted. I want people to meet me where I am and accept me? Is that so difficult? What am I doing wrong? I need to know. What needs to change?...I often do not realize when I am doing something wrong until somebody TELLS me...if no one tells me I assume they haven't cared about me and that is the reason. When I don't get invited to things, when I have to go way out of my way to find out what is going on, it doesn't exactly strengthen my fragile self-esteem and my finely tuned sense of acceptance...or the lack thereof. I love communication and fellowship, but only if it is reciprocated. If it is not, then I am quickly discouraged and I'm life with two options: lash out or withdraw. As temporarily satisfying as lashing out would be, I usually choose withdrawl, or worse, passive agressive actions designed to manipulate and hurt the people that I feel have shunned me.

I've been told that the problem is internal...and ulimately it is. But this doesn't mean that it cannot be positively affected by EXTERNAL sources. Many of the major behavioral changes that I have experenced in my life can be traced back to a single moment of a friend caring enough to tell me about something...just a simple sentence in most cases can spark a revolution in my personality. Only a simple act of compassion and real genuine love is often enough to help me change.

I understand that I don't often listen enough...that's why sometimes it takes several times of someone telling me something for me to act on it. However, I am becoming a better listener and in this area I am going to naturally listen because I am clueless on what to do about it.

I've been told that I need to do more to be involved and "get to know" people in the group...but how much more can I do? I crave fellowship and community so badly that I sacrifice much needed study time, much needed sleep, gas, money, whatever to hang out with "the group" and to spend time getting to know them. I shouldn't be required to personally know everyone in CRU for example, in order to be invited to something that involves over 20 people in the group, 10 of whom are likely to be good friends of mine. As much as the internal nature of the problem that I have is the dominant reason, this doesn't justify anything. I still want to be loved, I still want to be accepted...and I don't believe there is anything wrong with that and I don't think I should feel bad for wanting that, or for feeling hurt when I sense that I am contenually rejected and essentially given little value as percieved by the group as a whole.

Please, again, do not think I am speaking personally to anyone. I am smart enough to distinguish between individuals and groups...I am also smart enough to know that most of what I think and feel is a lie...and that I am greatly loved. What I need help with is actions that fight these negitive thoughts, not reenforce them. Not being invited by anyone to Ethan's party (this is no fault of any single person, please don't think I am blaming any single person) is the latest in a series of events that have greatly reenforced my growing sense of self-doubt and negitive thinking that ultimately is also directed at myself. I need to see people making some sort of effort, genuine effort, to make me feel like I am worth something to them...otherwise I am going to become more discouraged in this area. Because I can't make myself stop being this way, I don't have the power to. I need help. I need you guys, I need you guys to show me that I matter to you. I know untimately the only being that I truly NEED to matter to is God, but I am human, I have emotions, I have a sense of self-worth. I am imperfect...I feel that I need approval from my friends and because of this emotionally based "need", I am greatly affected by it. This letter is not about the Friday's party either...allthough that event has served as the catalyst for me writing this because my tolearnace for the status quo has reached it's end as of today. I have felt like this many times, but I haven't expressed it, at least to more than one person...and that is my fault. This all is ultimately my fault and I feel miserable about it.

Please show me that I don't need to jump though any more hoops to feel accepted, included, and loved. Please help me guys. I'm not as emotionally strong as I like to seem. I'm being honest here because it's the only way I think I can truly shed light on what I am feeling here. I have to be vunerable because otherwise how will anyone know? I love you guys, honestly. Otherwise I wouldn't be cutting my already inadaquate amount of sleep that I will get tonight by another hour.

Those of you who read this: Derek, Sean, Micheal etc...I really appreciate you guys. Honestly. I promise this is not directed personally toward any of you guys. It's to everyone in the mass of people that can generally be known as "CRU"...an amazing group of people that I wish I could be fully included and welcomed into someday, instead of the constant limited and peripheral feeling that haunts my association with the group.


- Jordan