Ranch Road 12

My spiritual and mental states of being have reached what to seems to me to be an impass. Of course, I'm still thinking and I still have a soul...they just seem to be suspended. I'm not doing as well as I would like back here in Texas. I'm not in love with my life here even though there are several reasons why I should be. Perhaps my perspective has had such a radical shift that I have not fully grasped how differently I look at things after this past summer and it's experiences.

I guess I could identify what I'm experiencing as apathy. However, it is not complete apathy...just apathy toward certian aspects of life that seem much less meaningful to me now than they used to. I'm sleeping as late as possible every day which is usually a sign that I lack motivation. Hopefully this will change. I do like San Marcos/Austin still...I just miss L.A...being on project, doing things that seemed very meaningful, constant fellowship and such.

I'm lucky to have great fellowship here...I'm just not around it 24/7 like I was in L.A. No constant sources of advice, encouragement and laughs because I am spending considerable time in class and at work. Work has been a struggle mainly because I am dealing with all of the class issues that I dealt with on project (albiet in a more healthy way than before)...working at a really nice and extremely busy Austin hot spot in a very wealthy part of town. I struggle to see the significance of what I'm doing here 30 hours a week even if it is going to be paying the bills for me. I would rather spend that 30 hours down at the convention center helping the hurricane refugees there but my responsibilities to do what I believe God wants me to do (finish school) mean I have to make money in order to pay for my living expenses (and $3 per gallon gas). I'm hopeful that I will be able to begin to love my situation more...It would mean a much more content existence, among other things.

Until then, I need to at least write about what I'm thinking and feeling, something I've failed to do for a while.

I once heard a speaker give some great advice...he said we should seek to do the things that increase our affection for God, and as a result our desire and capacity to grow in our spiritual lives. An obvious example for me is going for a drive...few things help me relax and put my mind in a perspective that allows me to contemplate without distractions more than driving. So I took the long way into Austin earlier this afternoon down Ranch Road 12 and U.S. 290. It's a drive that I love but I haven't been able to take it since I returned to the state. It's still as beautiful as I remember. I need to encourage myself to do this more often...gas is expensive but it's not limited to driving. Simply hanging out with a friend, even if it gets in the way of a responsibility...can be a very worthwile thing.

- Jordan