To Find Someone You Love, You've Got To Be Someone You Love

I thing I learned things today, well at least I had euphonious moments today were I realized some things. It's usually stuff I already new, but either I forget about it or I decide it's not important (even if it really actually is) and then forget about it (at least temporarily).

On Jealousy

Jealousy is an awful thing. Everyone deals with it at some level. Everyone envies something. So much of the greed that rots our society (and politics) simply emanates from basic forms for envy and jealousy. I have so much in my life that I am blessed with that I know a lot of people could be jealous of...in spite of that, I deal with jealousy of things I don't have that I percieve would make my life more complete (of course, this perception is hardly reality but when in a self-absorbed state of mind it's easy to bend reality to fit with what you think you need).

When it comes to falling for the jealousy trap, which is something that can rob you of even a basic appreciation for what one has to be thankful for, there are several pitfalls that I experience. A natural one for me (and probably the most significant) is with girls and relationships. I'm not the type to be "the jealous type" in a relationship...I would want a girlfriend/wife/whatever to have other friends and have a life outside of just me. The jealousy I'm talking about is an extreme jealousy of people who are currently in successful relationships. This is not a malicious jealousy...if a friend or someone I care about is in a good relationship I want that to flourish because I want the best for that friend, which also means in the case of a bad relationship I'll be honest about how I see it, but not to the point where I would sabotage anything. In my life I have been solicited by my closest friends for relationship advice and given some surprisingly good advice that in many cases was in retrospect proven to be the right call. This, however, doesn't mean that I myself know much about what to do with my own life because my track record of starting and maintaining anything resembling a romantic relationship with someone is at best disappointing, and at worst abysmal (I see it as one or the other, depending on how good I am feeling about myself at the time).

I'm not the "jealous type" as a boyfriend, I know that for sure. I will always want my girlfriend/wife/whatever to have other friends and a life outside of just me (although of course I would want them to be as faithful to me as I would be to her). But, my lack of success (at least as society would define it) in relationships has led to the development (over year after year) of an often intense jealousy toward people in relationships (even if that relationship has obvious problems). I often feel this so strongly that it's hard to be around couples who are showing any kind of affection for each other. In fact, I have realized that this is a bigger issue for me than I originally thought. I've recognized that I get jealous feelings towards other people around me when they are simply getting attention from a cute girl, whether or not that attention is romantic in nature, or even regardless of whether I am attracted to that girl or interested in her. I feel that this is a significant problem not only to my prospects of finding someone to fully share my life with, but also with my relationships with friends or with girls that are my friends.

With this in mind, I should point out that it's difficult for me to be more than acquaintances with girls that are in a relationship with another dude. For one thing, I might be jealous. Or, I would not want to do anything that would undermine that relationship (even if I'm jealous of it). I think that due to the limited amount of time that I've spent in relationships, I have a hard time being close friends to a girl that I have things in common with or get along with without feeling romantically attracted to them at some point. It happens a lot of times (with a few notable exceptions). But, self-confidence issues and fear keep me from pursuing anything further, or worse, that girl finds someone else to be with. Or, I find out that they're with someone after starting to have feelings for them. That's the worst. Both guys and girls should be up front with friends of the opposite sex about their relationship status. It may seem like an awkward thing to talk about up front but it's far less awkward than the alternative...trust me.

My jealousy is rooted in the fear that I will never find someone to share my life with. That would be tragic. I feel that I would be a really good boyfriend etc...although I'm not perfect. No one is. That shouldn't be a standard. People are so caught up looking for the "right" guy or girl that they may simply be waiting for someone that really doesn't exist. That said, I'm not attracted to every girl I meet, and that usually has a lot more to do with personality than anything else. I may not believe in perfect matches...but everyone does have a type. I hope I am someone's type. I feel that I'm kind of a rare personality...it's hard to define or explain. Kind of like if you need a blood transplant, but have a rare blood type, it may take longer to find a match and there's a greater risk (it would seem) that you won't find another person with that match at all.