Every girl I know that I could see myself dating is either taken, or doesn't seem to think I exist...until they are dating someone. What is it that scares them away from me? Or maybe I'm the one who's scared.
And now here comes Valentines Day". The day pushed by corporate America to make up for the post-Christmas lull by guilt tripping people to spend a lot of money on their significant other...because "it's Valentines Day". Or, if you're single you're supposed to find a date to spend money on, even if you never talk to that person again. Or...if you can't find a date you're supposed to feel miserable and less important and less of a human being because you don't have a date on Valentine's Day. It's so fucked up. I've never had a date on Valentines Day. I don't know why, that's just the way things have happen. I've dated people (not all that much but I have), but not on Valentines Day.
People have been telling me that "God has someone out there for me"...and they're very well meaning for doing so...but since that has tortuously failed to ever fully materialize, does that mean I blame God for it? It doesn't make sense. I don't know why I write these notes. I hate them, but I'm so miserable ultimately deep down about it that I can't just talk about it. And I don't think that people understand, although I'm sure they do. I just have a more long-term case with this than most.
I know that "dating around" isn't a solution. I'm afraid that more and more I'm going to look for a solution in temporary stuff that is not satisfying. But then, I'm also incredibly fearful and I need someone to be with who understands that and knows how to calm that fear. I've only had experience with girls that are nerve-wracking to date (but I still cared about them enough to put myself through the emotional roller coaster of hell that it was) because they are so "unsure if this is for real" and then suddenly it's not real and I'm left in the cold. I always feel embarrassed after writing these because I'm just admitting to being a loser...or something...either way my pride takes a hit with each revealing note. I need an outlet for this. I need somebody to love me more than someone who is simply a "great friend" can love me. I need to love someone. I pour so much time into my friends because they're all I have, but I still can't share everything with them.
I thought this would be prolonged when I came back to San Marcos. For some reason, this place seems devoid of girls with which I could actually connect with well enough to have a relationship with...well, those that I know I could are flat out taken...or maybe I've tried with them already and it didn't work. Most of the girls I've met that I could see myself having a chance with (and it being a good match) are in other places. It's sad. It sucks. I don't know what to do. I'm just getting older...and, like for Matthew McConaghey's character noted in Dazed and Confused...the girls "stay the same age". That's good for a creep but not so much for me. I don't know what girls think of me. I don't know anything about how I come off to them. I think they're scared of me, and the only reason I am friends with girls when they're already in relationships is because they're safely in a relationship.
Dammit I hate writing about this. Why am I doing this? I feel like I've wasted years of my life on dwelling on thoughts like this.
Goodnight.
- Jordan
3 comments:
people thinking that you need to find a girlfriend now is based on culture. in italy, people will live with their parents into their early thirties before moving out and getting married.
there's no rush.
It is not good for a man to be alone. When you do find your other half, you will wonder how you lived without her. But you haven't found her yet. Use this opportunity to serve God more while you are single. Keep praying and searching for the right girl. God will give you the desires of your heart.
Jordan, I know this is an area of deep hurt for you. I also have had my hurts in this area.
I encourage you to continually talk about it with people you can trust. From experience, this issue can become an area of darkness that dwells in us. Darkness of anger, frustration, bitterness, despair, insecurity, etc.
I know this might sound cliche, but Jesus calls us into the the light. I know I don't get to talk to you much anymore, but I believe this is an area you need a lot of healing in. And that is OK. Christ came for the sick, not for the healthy. I have a lot of healing I need.
I definitely know in my case, the women in my life have come not from my efforts as much as from God. I can see this clearly now from my perspective, so I know it to be true.
Seek counseling if you need to (Texas State University has free counseling for students). This needs to be an ongoing initiative. Find ways you can show people your love, be creative. Girls may not like you if you don't like yourself.
I'll be praying for you.
Sean
Post a Comment