I took my own advice and went for an 11 p.m. run around my mostly commercial South Austin neighborhood. I started by running around my apartment complex once (1.1 miles, I live in a huge Complex), and then over to 35, up to Stassney, and back to my building (or, around the neighborhood for those of you who have never been to my place, another 1.4 miles). 2.5 miles isin't bad I guess, it proves that I can't use being out of shape as an excuse. I got a bad stitch in my side that kept me from going farther...I'm sure the Dr. Pepper I downed at 10 p.m. had something to do with that. I need to work on my pre run routine.
It's boring, but it's my life.
- Jordan
Sunday, February 13, 2005
So Sick and Tired of these Pictures of Me
I'm trying to figure out how to post pictures on my blog. The picture icon doesn't work for me. If anyone (*cough*...Michael Rice...*cough*) can share their knowledge with me I would appreicate it.:)
Americans Have Too Much Money and Misplaced Priorities
Americans spend $34 billion a year on their dogs.
I guess Bush asking for $87 billion to fund rebuilding and military efforts in Iraq dosen't sound so bad in comparison.
Well, anyway this isin't about politics, it's about...well...the question of "why?" People always ask how many people could be fed with the money spent military operations. Where are the people asking people to spend their billions on feeding the poor instead of giving their dogs a lifestyle that a vast majority of the world's human population doesn't have a chance at.
Yes, "animal people" really get under my skin. The story in the link explains why. If you don't think there is something wrong with that...then, man. I dunno. Many people will protest the way the Government spends a lot of money on the Military, but they won't take the iniative in their own lives with their own pocketbooks to make a differece.
"Tiger travels with her everywhere and has inspired Travels with Tiger, her business in high-end luxury goods for dogs, including a $5,700 green crocodile leather travel bag, sold at Bergdorf Goodman on Fifth Avenue in New York. You can buy the matching human purse, too. “It's like playing grown-up Barbie dolls,” she says of the little sweaters with fur trim ($295) and other clothes for dogs that she features."
How ironic, some animal died to make fur trim and $5,700 bag.
"Owners are spending tens of thousands of dollars on their dog's veterinary care, too, including kidney transplants and MRIs.
“We've seen invoices that run from $10,000 to $30,000 to treat a variety of conditions,” says Peter Weinstein, medical director for Veterinary Pet Insurance in Brea, Calif. The company has sold more than 360,000 pet insurance policies, vs. 157,000 in 2000. And about 1,100 U.S. companies offer VPI's pet insurance as an employee benefit".
40 million or so Americans do not have health insurance. Oh well. Life isin't fair. I guess that's the way it's going to be. I guess. Because people are that out of it.
- Jordan
I guess Bush asking for $87 billion to fund rebuilding and military efforts in Iraq dosen't sound so bad in comparison.
Well, anyway this isin't about politics, it's about...well...the question of "why?" People always ask how many people could be fed with the money spent military operations. Where are the people asking people to spend their billions on feeding the poor instead of giving their dogs a lifestyle that a vast majority of the world's human population doesn't have a chance at.
Yes, "animal people" really get under my skin. The story in the link explains why. If you don't think there is something wrong with that...then, man. I dunno. Many people will protest the way the Government spends a lot of money on the Military, but they won't take the iniative in their own lives with their own pocketbooks to make a differece.
"Tiger travels with her everywhere and has inspired Travels with Tiger, her business in high-end luxury goods for dogs, including a $5,700 green crocodile leather travel bag, sold at Bergdorf Goodman on Fifth Avenue in New York. You can buy the matching human purse, too. “It's like playing grown-up Barbie dolls,” she says of the little sweaters with fur trim ($295) and other clothes for dogs that she features."
How ironic, some animal died to make fur trim and $5,700 bag.
"Owners are spending tens of thousands of dollars on their dog's veterinary care, too, including kidney transplants and MRIs.
“We've seen invoices that run from $10,000 to $30,000 to treat a variety of conditions,” says Peter Weinstein, medical director for Veterinary Pet Insurance in Brea, Calif. The company has sold more than 360,000 pet insurance policies, vs. 157,000 in 2000. And about 1,100 U.S. companies offer VPI's pet insurance as an employee benefit".
40 million or so Americans do not have health insurance. Oh well. Life isin't fair. I guess that's the way it's going to be. I guess. Because people are that out of it.
- Jordan
Let's Get Physical
Once again I've failed myself. Well, more specifically, my body. I'm LAZY when it comes to doing more physical activity than my daily life requires. Sure I'll play ultimate, I work on my feet, I walk several miles a day when I'm at school, but I don't do more than is really required. Meaning I don't have a consistent habit of working out, running, anything besides sitting around and not doing much. Let's just say I make a lot of excuses for myself, and then complain when I weigh myself and the scale reads 160 (I'm 6 feet 3 inches tall, I'm definitely underweight). Well, there's nothing I can do about it I guess...that's what I tell myself anyway.
I live in a fantastic apartment complex with a great fitness center. I go to a good school which has a rec center that is more than adaquate. But until I stop making excuses, I'm not going to accomplish anything.
I make way too many excuses for myself.
I live in a fantastic apartment complex with a great fitness center. I go to a good school which has a rec center that is more than adaquate. But until I stop making excuses, I'm not going to accomplish anything.
I make way too many excuses for myself.
Friday, February 11, 2005
Big Trucks Pt. 2
Following my last post I got an e-mail from a good friend of mine named Dan Bakken. He brought up a very interesting and valid point, some people buy large vehicles for safety reasons.
My answer is that is a reason for buying one...espeically if parent's are buying one of their kid because they want them to have the best chance in an accident. However, I think it is a pretty dangerous trend...what happens when more people start buying hummers, then a Ford Explorer is no longer that safe...vehicles get larger and larger while the people who can only afford to drive small cars (i.e., myself) are put at more and more risk. I wish we could get out of this "bigger is better" mentality, especially in Texas. Oh well.
p.s. I didn't mean to sound as if I was targeting people who drive moderately sized trucks or S.U.V.s...I was mainly talking about huge jacked up trucks, hummers, huge S.U.Vs and the like. So yea, no offense meant to Derek or Sam...you're guys cars (a Jeep and a moderately sized truck) are not the kind of cars I was ranting about. Take it easy,
- Jordan
----
The e-mail:
Good post about the big gas guzzling trucks, just one thought:
What about the folks that buy larger vehicles for safety reasons? A
gigantic SUV or truck has a much better chance of surviving a crash
with an 18 wheeler than a Geo Metro.
Dan
My answer is that is a reason for buying one...espeically if parent's are buying one of their kid because they want them to have the best chance in an accident. However, I think it is a pretty dangerous trend...what happens when more people start buying hummers, then a Ford Explorer is no longer that safe...vehicles get larger and larger while the people who can only afford to drive small cars (i.e., myself) are put at more and more risk. I wish we could get out of this "bigger is better" mentality, especially in Texas. Oh well.
p.s. I didn't mean to sound as if I was targeting people who drive moderately sized trucks or S.U.V.s...I was mainly talking about huge jacked up trucks, hummers, huge S.U.Vs and the like. So yea, no offense meant to Derek or Sam...you're guys cars (a Jeep and a moderately sized truck) are not the kind of cars I was ranting about. Take it easy,
- Jordan
----
The e-mail:
Good post about the big gas guzzling trucks, just one thought:
What about the folks that buy larger vehicles for safety reasons? A
gigantic SUV or truck has a much better chance of surviving a crash
with an 18 wheeler than a Geo Metro.
Dan
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Big People in their Big Big Trucks
Prepare for a rant of biblical proportions.
I've been thinking a good deal lately about American culture as it relates to material consumptions. I often tend to single out my home state of Texas when I think about the problems I see, but honestly the case is pretty similar everywhere I go (allthough my travels have primarily been in the Western half of the U.S.). It's the same case, the best visable example, people driving really unessicarily large vehicles and using ridiculous amounts of gas to power their gigantic hunks of metal as they fly down the freeway at eighty-whatever miles per hour.
The question I ask every time I see a college student driving a Ford Excursion or a Tahoe, or a guy with a pick up track that is so huge and jacked up so high that if it ran over you it would just mess up your hair is.......why...why...I mean, there are a lot of things in life that I do not understand, but this transcends any possibility of me ever understanding...WHY? I mean, there is a compensation factor...the shortest guy that lived in my dorm last year drove the largest truck. The irony was not lost on me...but seriously, where in the world does the money come from for buying an expensive large vehicle, gas for that vehicle, and huge tires and whatever else is needed to give that vehicle more power to kill.
Then there's the amount of energy wasted on all of those extra seats. We have an "oil crisis". Who is really at fault for it? OPEC, terrorists? Nope. It's every good ol' boy, sorority girl, soccer mom or hick that is rushing to car lots across America (many younger people doing so with their parents money) to buy a vehicle that is bigger than the guy's next door. Do you think we would have a gas shortage if the people who didn't need gigantic vehicles bought Honda Accords? Think of how much cheaper gas would be...the difference would be staggering. This alone would cut U.S. gasoline consumption severely. But are people are selfish, so damn selfish, do damn intent on proving something, whatever it is, by owning a gigantic killing machine, not thinking about what this does to the economy or, more importiantly, the environment.
Of course I'm not blind to the fact that for some people these large autos are necessary, or at least serve a very practical purpose. Farmers and ranchers need trucks, however, Joe Suburban White Guy from the suburbs of Houston who attends college in Dallas doesn't...but in spite of that we have thousands of Joe White guys driving around in their 15 m.p.g. trucks with dozens of cubic feet of wasted space and untold gallons of wasted gas. Yeah, my friend Michael's family needed their Chevy Suburban, they had 7 kids. They would spend a lot on gas anyway. However, Jane Suburban White Girl doesn't need to use an entire gallon of gas to drive her freakin Chevy tahoe 10 minutes to school with room for her and six of her invisable friends.
This isin't just an issue of consumption, it's a reflection of a huge American cultural flaw. Americans are too selfish and self centered to think about others, or practicality, or waste, or the environment...people who drive Hummers (something that there is no reason for anyone to own unless you're planning on driving across enemy territory to plant a bomb to blow up an enemy supply line) should be sent 50 years into the future to see the havoc that this over consumption may potentially reek on our planet and mankind...then they should be flogged...okay mabye that's too harsh...I think being forced to drive a Geo for the rest of their lives might be more humane...but just barely.
Mabye that's what these people should do. Instead of plastering their hummers with yellow and flag colored ribbons and pretending to support the troops, mabye they should really support them by excercising their second amendment right to buy whatever massive assualt weapon they choose, ship their hummers over to Iraq, and go after insurgent strongholds. That's what I call supporting the troops. At least their hummers will already have more armor than some of the ones that our soldiers have been using for the past few months.
I have a lot more I could say about this...more complaining I could do. However I'm going to just stop for now and contenue this at another time. Please respond with your comments. If I was too harsh or inflammitory, well, I'm pissed about this, so I'm going to be, until people stop being idiots...allthough that's not something I'm really counting on happening for a while. I'm looking foward to getting my 2 door Honda Civic back from the shop this week and driving it with the satisfaction that, as I drive down the freeway, the guy to the left in his huge truck and the guy to my right in the Hummer are spending three times as much money on gas as I am. But then again, that's probably because they either have way too much money, or their parents don't mind footing the bill.
Can the craze over huge automobiles get any more ridiculious? The answer is found in the link, which can be accessed by clicking on the title of this post. I think it is a good example of what I'm saying.
Enjoy,
- Jordan
I've been thinking a good deal lately about American culture as it relates to material consumptions. I often tend to single out my home state of Texas when I think about the problems I see, but honestly the case is pretty similar everywhere I go (allthough my travels have primarily been in the Western half of the U.S.). It's the same case, the best visable example, people driving really unessicarily large vehicles and using ridiculous amounts of gas to power their gigantic hunks of metal as they fly down the freeway at eighty-whatever miles per hour.
The question I ask every time I see a college student driving a Ford Excursion or a Tahoe, or a guy with a pick up track that is so huge and jacked up so high that if it ran over you it would just mess up your hair is.......why...why...I mean, there are a lot of things in life that I do not understand, but this transcends any possibility of me ever understanding...WHY? I mean, there is a compensation factor...the shortest guy that lived in my dorm last year drove the largest truck. The irony was not lost on me...but seriously, where in the world does the money come from for buying an expensive large vehicle, gas for that vehicle, and huge tires and whatever else is needed to give that vehicle more power to kill.
Then there's the amount of energy wasted on all of those extra seats. We have an "oil crisis". Who is really at fault for it? OPEC, terrorists? Nope. It's every good ol' boy, sorority girl, soccer mom or hick that is rushing to car lots across America (many younger people doing so with their parents money) to buy a vehicle that is bigger than the guy's next door. Do you think we would have a gas shortage if the people who didn't need gigantic vehicles bought Honda Accords? Think of how much cheaper gas would be...the difference would be staggering. This alone would cut U.S. gasoline consumption severely. But are people are selfish, so damn selfish, do damn intent on proving something, whatever it is, by owning a gigantic killing machine, not thinking about what this does to the economy or, more importiantly, the environment.
Of course I'm not blind to the fact that for some people these large autos are necessary, or at least serve a very practical purpose. Farmers and ranchers need trucks, however, Joe Suburban White Guy from the suburbs of Houston who attends college in Dallas doesn't...but in spite of that we have thousands of Joe White guys driving around in their 15 m.p.g. trucks with dozens of cubic feet of wasted space and untold gallons of wasted gas. Yeah, my friend Michael's family needed their Chevy Suburban, they had 7 kids. They would spend a lot on gas anyway. However, Jane Suburban White Girl doesn't need to use an entire gallon of gas to drive her freakin Chevy tahoe 10 minutes to school with room for her and six of her invisable friends.
This isin't just an issue of consumption, it's a reflection of a huge American cultural flaw. Americans are too selfish and self centered to think about others, or practicality, or waste, or the environment...people who drive Hummers (something that there is no reason for anyone to own unless you're planning on driving across enemy territory to plant a bomb to blow up an enemy supply line) should be sent 50 years into the future to see the havoc that this over consumption may potentially reek on our planet and mankind...then they should be flogged...okay mabye that's too harsh...I think being forced to drive a Geo for the rest of their lives might be more humane...but just barely.
Mabye that's what these people should do. Instead of plastering their hummers with yellow and flag colored ribbons and pretending to support the troops, mabye they should really support them by excercising their second amendment right to buy whatever massive assualt weapon they choose, ship their hummers over to Iraq, and go after insurgent strongholds. That's what I call supporting the troops. At least their hummers will already have more armor than some of the ones that our soldiers have been using for the past few months.
I have a lot more I could say about this...more complaining I could do. However I'm going to just stop for now and contenue this at another time. Please respond with your comments. If I was too harsh or inflammitory, well, I'm pissed about this, so I'm going to be, until people stop being idiots...allthough that's not something I'm really counting on happening for a while. I'm looking foward to getting my 2 door Honda Civic back from the shop this week and driving it with the satisfaction that, as I drive down the freeway, the guy to the left in his huge truck and the guy to my right in the Hummer are spending three times as much money on gas as I am. But then again, that's probably because they either have way too much money, or their parents don't mind footing the bill.
Can the craze over huge automobiles get any more ridiculious? The answer is found in the link, which can be accessed by clicking on the title of this post. I think it is a good example of what I'm saying.
Enjoy,
- Jordan
Supermix 2K5 Pt. 2 (The Tweak)
Well, just as I posted that, I decided to tweak my tracklist again. I like "Tiny Cities Made of Ashes" enough to justify replacing "The Stars Are Projectors" (which I'm listening to right now and is an amazing song) and thus freeing up a few minutes so I can add "Promise" by Pedro the Lion, a song that means way too much to me to leave off.
I also have, I think, finally settled on "Take the Veil Cerpin Taxt" as my favorite Mars Volta song. It's amazing, that album is amazing. That's why I've had such a hard time picking a favorite song because the entire album is so complete and awesome. The same goes for MewithoutYou. As much as I like the new album, I've decided to go with Silencer which is off their first album. It's an unreal song. I love it.
The updated tracklist:
1. Slick Shoes - For Better, For Worse (2:53)
2. The Get Up Kids - Ten Minutes (3:12)
3. Death Cab for Cutie - We Laugh Indoors (4:58)
4. And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead - Mistakes and Regrets (3:46)
5. RX Bandits - Consequential Apathy (2:36)
6. Less than Jake - All My Best Friends are Metalheads (3:41)
7. The Impossibles - Erin with an "E" (3:27)
8. Thrice - Ultra Blue (3:02)
9. The Mars Volta - Take the Veil Cerpin Taxt (8:41)
10. Modest Mouse - Tiny Cities Made of Ashes (3:41)
11. The Shins - New Slang (3:51)
12. The New Amsterdams - Every Double Life (2:05)
13. Jimmy Eat World - Ten (3:48)
14. The Weakerthans - Song for an Elk's Lodge Last Call (2:44)
15. Streetlight Manifesto - A Better Place, A Better Time (6:28)
16. The Ataris - In Spite of the World (3:37)
17. MewithoutYou - Silencer (3:49)
18. At the Drive In - Cosmonaut (3:24)
19. Pedro the Lion - Promise (2:19)
20. Five Iron Frenzy - Every New Day (4:10)
If you want a copy just ask and I'll burn you one. Most of the people who read this should have my AIM s/n but just in case you don't it's: thriceshoes
Take it easy,
- Jordan
I also have, I think, finally settled on "Take the Veil Cerpin Taxt" as my favorite Mars Volta song. It's amazing, that album is amazing. That's why I've had such a hard time picking a favorite song because the entire album is so complete and awesome. The same goes for MewithoutYou. As much as I like the new album, I've decided to go with Silencer which is off their first album. It's an unreal song. I love it.
The updated tracklist:
1. Slick Shoes - For Better, For Worse (2:53)
2. The Get Up Kids - Ten Minutes (3:12)
3. Death Cab for Cutie - We Laugh Indoors (4:58)
4. And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead - Mistakes and Regrets (3:46)
5. RX Bandits - Consequential Apathy (2:36)
6. Less than Jake - All My Best Friends are Metalheads (3:41)
7. The Impossibles - Erin with an "E" (3:27)
8. Thrice - Ultra Blue (3:02)
9. The Mars Volta - Take the Veil Cerpin Taxt (8:41)
10. Modest Mouse - Tiny Cities Made of Ashes (3:41)
11. The Shins - New Slang (3:51)
12. The New Amsterdams - Every Double Life (2:05)
13. Jimmy Eat World - Ten (3:48)
14. The Weakerthans - Song for an Elk's Lodge Last Call (2:44)
15. Streetlight Manifesto - A Better Place, A Better Time (6:28)
16. The Ataris - In Spite of the World (3:37)
17. MewithoutYou - Silencer (3:49)
18. At the Drive In - Cosmonaut (3:24)
19. Pedro the Lion - Promise (2:19)
20. Five Iron Frenzy - Every New Day (4:10)
If you want a copy just ask and I'll burn you one. Most of the people who read this should have my AIM s/n but just in case you don't it's: thriceshoes
Take it easy,
- Jordan
Monday, February 07, 2005
Supermix 2K5
I spent some time over the second half of last year, compiling and putting together a cd with my all time favorite songs...limited to one per band so I could represent more of my favorite bands. I did several editions but after a few tries and re-tries I finally settled on a cd that, as of now, best represents my favorite music and contains some songs that really mean alot to me in a lot of ways. If any of you guys want a copy of it I'll be more than happy to burn one for you. It's the best way for me to answer the question "what kind of music do you like?". Also, it is a chance to share a part of my life and I feel that the cd gives a really good sense of who I am and what I'm like. Without further flatulation...here's the tracklist:
---
1. Slick Shoes - For Better, For Worse (2:53)
2. The Get Up Kids - Ten Minutes (3:12)
3. Death Cab for Cutie - We Laugh Indoors (4:58)
4. And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead - Mistakes and Regrets (3:46)
5. RX Bandits - Consequential Apathy (2:36)
6. Less than Jake - All My Best Friends are Metalheads (3:41)
7. The Impossibles - Erin with an "E" (3:27)
8. Thrice - Ultra Blue (3:02)
9. The Mars Volta - Eriatarka (6:20)
10. Modest Mouse - The Stars are Projectors (8:46)
11. The Shins - New Slang (3:51)
12. The New Amsterdams - Every Double Life (2:05)
13. Jimmy Eat World - Ten (3:48)
14. The Weakerthans - Song for an Elk's Lodge Last Call (2:44)
15. Streetlight Manifesto - A Better Place, A Better Time (6:28)
16. The Ataris - In Spite of the World (3:37)
17. At the Drive In - Cosmonaut (3:24)
18. MewithoutYou - January 1979 (3:26)
19. Five Iron Frenzy - Every New Day (4:10)
---
The hardest parts of putting together a cd like this are deciding which song to use (which is hard with some of my favorite bands), deciding what order to put them in, and, hardest of all, cutting some songs from the list in order to fit it all onto one cd.This is still definitely a work in progress, but it's much close to being a finished product than it's ever been. Then again, I don't think I'll ever have a finished product as far as this is concerned. That's what's so great about good music.
- Jordan
---
1. Slick Shoes - For Better, For Worse (2:53)
2. The Get Up Kids - Ten Minutes (3:12)
3. Death Cab for Cutie - We Laugh Indoors (4:58)
4. And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead - Mistakes and Regrets (3:46)
5. RX Bandits - Consequential Apathy (2:36)
6. Less than Jake - All My Best Friends are Metalheads (3:41)
7. The Impossibles - Erin with an "E" (3:27)
8. Thrice - Ultra Blue (3:02)
9. The Mars Volta - Eriatarka (6:20)
10. Modest Mouse - The Stars are Projectors (8:46)
11. The Shins - New Slang (3:51)
12. The New Amsterdams - Every Double Life (2:05)
13. Jimmy Eat World - Ten (3:48)
14. The Weakerthans - Song for an Elk's Lodge Last Call (2:44)
15. Streetlight Manifesto - A Better Place, A Better Time (6:28)
16. The Ataris - In Spite of the World (3:37)
17. At the Drive In - Cosmonaut (3:24)
18. MewithoutYou - January 1979 (3:26)
19. Five Iron Frenzy - Every New Day (4:10)
---
The hardest parts of putting together a cd like this are deciding which song to use (which is hard with some of my favorite bands), deciding what order to put them in, and, hardest of all, cutting some songs from the list in order to fit it all onto one cd.This is still definitely a work in progress, but it's much close to being a finished product than it's ever been. Then again, I don't think I'll ever have a finished product as far as this is concerned. That's what's so great about good music.
- Jordan
Why Can't We Be Friends? Why Can't We Be...
I’ve come to the conclusion that I really do not like the month of February. It’s hard to spell, school is dragging on but it’s too early to think about Spring Break, the weather usually sucks (by Texas standards), there are practically no good shows going on even in Austin (the calm before the storm of music that is South by Southwest), things are slower than usual at work, not a lot of people seem very happy. Stuff like that is why I just don’t see much to like about this month. One bright spot is the birthday of Derek Eacho, but there’s not too much else to cheer about...like the full cup of coffee that I just spilled all over the (fortunetly) coffee colored carpet at Mocha's and Java's. Good times? Not really. But what I really need to do is make the best of it.
Work, school, work, school, work, school. Thank God for relationships. They really save life from being extremely dull. Family, friends, and (allthough I don't often prioritize correctly) most importiantly, God. Where would I be without relationships? That thought is what drives me to cherish them and value them highly. That is why I put so much time and effort into building them. Of course, I seem to value close relationships greatly and more distiant relationships not nearly as highly. I seem to prefer a small close group of really good friends to a larger group of not so close friends. When I look at friendships I see them on different levels...of course this holds me back when I'm in a new group or meeting a new person.
Of course it's nothing personal, at least I don't intend it to be. I just seem to have a sense (that is usually proven right) when I am first getting to know a person of how good of friends I will end up being with that person. With almost all of my good friends in Austin, San Marcos or Temple, I knew within just a few minutes of knowing them that I would eventually be good friends with them. There have been (see post on negitivity) however, a few friendships that defied that. My intuition was proven wrong, usually because of a certian unfair bias that I mentally had. Sometimes I wonder if this "intuitive sense" is merely a self-fullfilling prophecy, mabye I have great potential friendships that I just torpedo because I think that they're not going to work. I often wonder if I do this when it comes to potential relashonships with girls. I see certian girls that I could have potential feelings for, but I always seem to find some reason not to take the iniative to...well, iniate.
But the whole girl topic is for another post. I have a hard time addressing it or thinking about it.
Work, school, work, school, work, school. Thank God for relationships. They really save life from being extremely dull. Family, friends, and (allthough I don't often prioritize correctly) most importiantly, God. Where would I be without relationships? That thought is what drives me to cherish them and value them highly. That is why I put so much time and effort into building them. Of course, I seem to value close relationships greatly and more distiant relationships not nearly as highly. I seem to prefer a small close group of really good friends to a larger group of not so close friends. When I look at friendships I see them on different levels...of course this holds me back when I'm in a new group or meeting a new person.
Of course it's nothing personal, at least I don't intend it to be. I just seem to have a sense (that is usually proven right) when I am first getting to know a person of how good of friends I will end up being with that person. With almost all of my good friends in Austin, San Marcos or Temple, I knew within just a few minutes of knowing them that I would eventually be good friends with them. There have been (see post on negitivity) however, a few friendships that defied that. My intuition was proven wrong, usually because of a certian unfair bias that I mentally had. Sometimes I wonder if this "intuitive sense" is merely a self-fullfilling prophecy, mabye I have great potential friendships that I just torpedo because I think that they're not going to work. I often wonder if I do this when it comes to potential relashonships with girls. I see certian girls that I could have potential feelings for, but I always seem to find some reason not to take the iniative to...well, iniate.
But the whole girl topic is for another post. I have a hard time addressing it or thinking about it.
Super (Insert Pun Here)
I gathered with some friends at a San Marcos apartment last night for the annual American ritual of watching the Super Bowl while eating various grilled meats. I'm a pretty big football fan and I had a vested (non-monetary) interest in the game. I've liked the New England Patriots ever since I was a kid (I remember rooting for them against the Packers in Super Bowl XXXI for example), on the other hand, The Dallas Cowboys are my favorite team which all but requires me to hate the Philadelphia Eagles.
Thus, I was extremely pleased with the game. I can't stand the Eagles...espeically Terrell Owens...what a jerk. Anyway it was a good time with some people that I hadn't seen in a long time. The various meats were good. The commercials were very average. The game was pretty good toward the end. It appeared as if the Eagles didn't realize that they could still win until after the two minute warning. It was pretty funny to watch. Anyway yea go football.
Thus, I was extremely pleased with the game. I can't stand the Eagles...espeically Terrell Owens...what a jerk. Anyway it was a good time with some people that I hadn't seen in a long time. The various meats were good. The commercials were very average. The game was pretty good toward the end. It appeared as if the Eagles didn't realize that they could still win until after the two minute warning. It was pretty funny to watch. Anyway yea go football.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Discs of Fury
One of the hardest tasks that I have ever undertaken in my life is trying to learn how to throw a Frisbee. It is, for me, unbelievably difficult to learn how to throw it with both distance and accuracy. I have both for about 15 feet and then after that my accuracy drops considerably. I watch so many of my friends effortlessly toss the disc, almost as if with their minds, to travel hundreds of feet with perfect balance and evenness, right to their intended target. For me however, I often miss targets that are 20 feet away.
I won’t go into the suspected reasons, or theories (almost all of my friends have a different explanation as to what I’m doing wrong) for why I have so much trouble with those little round things, it’s enough for this post to say that I have immense amounts of trouble with them and leave it at that.
My inability to make significant process throwing the Frisbee has led to significant displays of visual frustration and borderline rage on my part. Sure it “doesn’t matter”, and it’s “not a big deal”, but as a hyper-competitive person, whenever I see a bunch of people that I know doing something well, I want to do it just as well, or better, even if it is something as inconsequential as the ability to hurl a disc for more than 30 feet in the same direction.
So of course the embarrassment of my often frustrated actions only adds to the angst surrounding this constant struggle between man and disc. It seems to bring out the worst in me, a category previously reserved for Bowling. But, a conversation that I had with a good friend this past week helped me come to the conclusion that my struggle with the inanimate plastic disc has not been completely in vain. I am learning an important lesson though it.
I’ve often thought that I was learning a number of lessons during my now two-year-long endeavor, “life sucks”, “you can’t be good at everything”, “you suck at throwing the Frisbee and always will”…but none of those were the real lesson. The real lesson has always been one that I have had a difficult time learning and grasping. The lesson that there are many areas in my life where purely relying on myself only leads to fruitless results and frustration. Ultimately (no pun intended), I must be surrounded by, and immersed in community, reaching beyond myself to seek help in growing in all areas of life, otherwise I will stagnate and become frustrated, wondering why I am still in the same place, and situation.
I began to consider this on a cool night late last semester. I was warming up with some of my best friends before our Thursday night ritual of midnight Ultimate Frisbee. I enjoy Ultimate much more than throwing the Frisbee normally, or playing disc golf, because you can actually have a big impact in the game without ever having to toss the Frisbee more than 20 feet.This night I was having a particularly hard time remembering the 20 or so ways that I’ve been told are the correct way to throw the Frisbee. I have always lamented these reasons because I have an extremely difficult time transmitting verbal instructions into physical actions. The way I learn doesn’t facilitate that. I learn very differently than people who seem more athletically inclined than I am.
This night however, one of my good friends, Derek Eacho, got it. Agreeing with my protests that I needed to be physically shown how to throw the disc, not just watch someone throw it while they say something that I completely don’t understand to explain what they just somehow did. He physically moved my arms in the correct throwing motion and for the first time ever I actually significantly improved at throwing the Frisbee after someone else’s instructions. And there is my lesson, it was not until I had submitted to have someone else physically help me throw it that I finally grew in my ability to do so. I feel that is an important thing that I need to apply to my everyday life. Because of my fallen and imperfect nature, anything that I try to do on my own is ultimately flawed and doomed to fail. However, when we seek after God, we have less room for error, and those flaws are less prominent, when we do so in community. It is in community that we are best suited for growth. Fellowship and accountability are two of God's greatest gifts to mankind, I think. No, I'm sure. They're so important.
If this is the only major less I learn from my months of often extreme frustration with the disc, then I will consider it to be worth it. This is a huge thing that I need to learn. I've got to end the belief that I can acheieve anything on my own and I don't need the help of others. It's just not true and it's gotten me into a lot of holes in my life.
- Jordan
I won’t go into the suspected reasons, or theories (almost all of my friends have a different explanation as to what I’m doing wrong) for why I have so much trouble with those little round things, it’s enough for this post to say that I have immense amounts of trouble with them and leave it at that.
My inability to make significant process throwing the Frisbee has led to significant displays of visual frustration and borderline rage on my part. Sure it “doesn’t matter”, and it’s “not a big deal”, but as a hyper-competitive person, whenever I see a bunch of people that I know doing something well, I want to do it just as well, or better, even if it is something as inconsequential as the ability to hurl a disc for more than 30 feet in the same direction.
So of course the embarrassment of my often frustrated actions only adds to the angst surrounding this constant struggle between man and disc. It seems to bring out the worst in me, a category previously reserved for Bowling. But, a conversation that I had with a good friend this past week helped me come to the conclusion that my struggle with the inanimate plastic disc has not been completely in vain. I am learning an important lesson though it.
I’ve often thought that I was learning a number of lessons during my now two-year-long endeavor, “life sucks”, “you can’t be good at everything”, “you suck at throwing the Frisbee and always will”…but none of those were the real lesson. The real lesson has always been one that I have had a difficult time learning and grasping. The lesson that there are many areas in my life where purely relying on myself only leads to fruitless results and frustration. Ultimately (no pun intended), I must be surrounded by, and immersed in community, reaching beyond myself to seek help in growing in all areas of life, otherwise I will stagnate and become frustrated, wondering why I am still in the same place, and situation.
I began to consider this on a cool night late last semester. I was warming up with some of my best friends before our Thursday night ritual of midnight Ultimate Frisbee. I enjoy Ultimate much more than throwing the Frisbee normally, or playing disc golf, because you can actually have a big impact in the game without ever having to toss the Frisbee more than 20 feet.This night I was having a particularly hard time remembering the 20 or so ways that I’ve been told are the correct way to throw the Frisbee. I have always lamented these reasons because I have an extremely difficult time transmitting verbal instructions into physical actions. The way I learn doesn’t facilitate that. I learn very differently than people who seem more athletically inclined than I am.
This night however, one of my good friends, Derek Eacho, got it. Agreeing with my protests that I needed to be physically shown how to throw the disc, not just watch someone throw it while they say something that I completely don’t understand to explain what they just somehow did. He physically moved my arms in the correct throwing motion and for the first time ever I actually significantly improved at throwing the Frisbee after someone else’s instructions. And there is my lesson, it was not until I had submitted to have someone else physically help me throw it that I finally grew in my ability to do so. I feel that is an important thing that I need to apply to my everyday life. Because of my fallen and imperfect nature, anything that I try to do on my own is ultimately flawed and doomed to fail. However, when we seek after God, we have less room for error, and those flaws are less prominent, when we do so in community. It is in community that we are best suited for growth. Fellowship and accountability are two of God's greatest gifts to mankind, I think. No, I'm sure. They're so important.
If this is the only major less I learn from my months of often extreme frustration with the disc, then I will consider it to be worth it. This is a huge thing that I need to learn. I've got to end the belief that I can acheieve anything on my own and I don't need the help of others. It's just not true and it's gotten me into a lot of holes in my life.
- Jordan
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Irresistable Change
There's a sign along Interstate 35 between Austin and San Antonio that boldly proclaims a community that, for decades, has been "Gently resisting change". Well, of course that is a facade, the community changed a lot when an investor purchased most of the buildings in the hamlet and turned it into a small tourist center full of manufactured Texas "culture". This story is not about that community, it is about my life...how I resisted change, change to my plans, my life, change that came from anywhere besides myself. However, while I was strongly resisting, I was on the path being changed regardless.
Of course I resisted...who likes change? Who wants to admit that their plans, lifestyle, the entire personal code of ethics that they have lived by are ultimately inadequate. I never wanted to entertain the idea that, no matter how hard I tried, I could not control my life.
I grew up assuming that I was saved...not really knowing what I was saved from. I just assumed that, on my own, I could do whatever I wanted, achieve whatever I wanted, that I could do the things necessary to save me from whatever. I had plenty of "knowledge" of the Bible, of Christian thought, but I never really believed it. I would often reject truthful things because they conflicted with my plans, with my beliefs, with my selfishness.
Oh man, selfishness, what a horrible thing, but it was my best friend growing up. I was selfish, every action, every thought, "good" or bad, was done with the intention of bringing the most benefit possible to myself. I cannot recall ever doing something for someone without first making sure that I would benefit in some way, that it was "worth it". I wanted to look good, I wanted other people to think highly of me. It didn't matter what the consequences were for everyone else. I was extremely competitive, but, because of my family's persistent financial difficulties (I spent most of my childhood below "middle class", my sports activities, were limited. So, I expressed my competitive nature in many other ways. I was a very "bad sport", but not only that, I was a chronically argumentative and angry kid.
My story of growing up is far from a "Sex, Drugs and Rock N' Roll" story. However, I didn't drink or do drugs for any reason other than to benefit myself, that is, make myself look as much like a good moral person as possible. I was just as sinful as anyone (still am of course), but I didn't look at it that way at the time. I was "better" than people around me because I did the "right" things. I had some experience with church, but my family stopped going when I was 12, further hampering any spiritual input into my life. I didn't grow up with spiritual leadership or strong guidance in this area of my life. I wasn't around consistent fellowship and so I sank further into a spiritual quagmire of, well, nothing.
Being filled with nothing, I was a very unsatisfied teenager. I was always depressed, nothing could cure that it. On top of that my parents (who are vastly different now and I love them greatly) were fairly strict and overprotective. The oldest in a family often has to deal with this to some degree. I naturally became more rebellious (inwardly and in a passive agressive way) and self-focused. I often hated life, hated others, hated myself. I had friends but only a couple of them ever discussed spiritual stuff with me. I played along, assuming that I had already done enough and didn't have to worry about God. God was off doing his own thing, saving people so that they could be legalistic, make up a lot of extra-biblical rules, tell others to live by them while they spend their time judging others, as well as being hypocrites. That was the representation of God that I got from most of the "christians" that I encountered in life.
At age 15 I came as close to killing myself as I ever will. I had been grounded for a very long time and, faced with this new level of "tough love", I sank further into my negative hateful thought process. I think it was that summer that I hit my low point...although on the other hand I think every second of my life before I came to truly know Christ were equally low points. I remember, walking near the house on another 105 degree day (1998 was a hot year), trying to think of the best way to finish myself off, when I saw am image of my father crying at my funeral. It was a look of such stunning anguish, it broke my heart. It was the most realistic thing to ever flash into my mind. If I were to have a gun in my hand at that point I would have dropped it, just as quickly I dropped the thought of killing myself. From then on, I realized that my life had some purpose.
That purpose would remain lost on me for the next several years. My sense of purpose would be a confused and ultimately self-twisted idea that my purpose in life was to be successful, rich, powerful, and awesome. I saw every person on Earth as placed in a system where we were all ranked, 1 though 6 billion. My goal was to be number one and I needed to, and could, do whatever it took to reach that spot.
To be continued...
Of course I resisted...who likes change? Who wants to admit that their plans, lifestyle, the entire personal code of ethics that they have lived by are ultimately inadequate. I never wanted to entertain the idea that, no matter how hard I tried, I could not control my life.
I grew up assuming that I was saved...not really knowing what I was saved from. I just assumed that, on my own, I could do whatever I wanted, achieve whatever I wanted, that I could do the things necessary to save me from whatever. I had plenty of "knowledge" of the Bible, of Christian thought, but I never really believed it. I would often reject truthful things because they conflicted with my plans, with my beliefs, with my selfishness.
Oh man, selfishness, what a horrible thing, but it was my best friend growing up. I was selfish, every action, every thought, "good" or bad, was done with the intention of bringing the most benefit possible to myself. I cannot recall ever doing something for someone without first making sure that I would benefit in some way, that it was "worth it". I wanted to look good, I wanted other people to think highly of me. It didn't matter what the consequences were for everyone else. I was extremely competitive, but, because of my family's persistent financial difficulties (I spent most of my childhood below "middle class", my sports activities, were limited. So, I expressed my competitive nature in many other ways. I was a very "bad sport", but not only that, I was a chronically argumentative and angry kid.
My story of growing up is far from a "Sex, Drugs and Rock N' Roll" story. However, I didn't drink or do drugs for any reason other than to benefit myself, that is, make myself look as much like a good moral person as possible. I was just as sinful as anyone (still am of course), but I didn't look at it that way at the time. I was "better" than people around me because I did the "right" things. I had some experience with church, but my family stopped going when I was 12, further hampering any spiritual input into my life. I didn't grow up with spiritual leadership or strong guidance in this area of my life. I wasn't around consistent fellowship and so I sank further into a spiritual quagmire of, well, nothing.
Being filled with nothing, I was a very unsatisfied teenager. I was always depressed, nothing could cure that it. On top of that my parents (who are vastly different now and I love them greatly) were fairly strict and overprotective. The oldest in a family often has to deal with this to some degree. I naturally became more rebellious (inwardly and in a passive agressive way) and self-focused. I often hated life, hated others, hated myself. I had friends but only a couple of them ever discussed spiritual stuff with me. I played along, assuming that I had already done enough and didn't have to worry about God. God was off doing his own thing, saving people so that they could be legalistic, make up a lot of extra-biblical rules, tell others to live by them while they spend their time judging others, as well as being hypocrites. That was the representation of God that I got from most of the "christians" that I encountered in life.
At age 15 I came as close to killing myself as I ever will. I had been grounded for a very long time and, faced with this new level of "tough love", I sank further into my negative hateful thought process. I think it was that summer that I hit my low point...although on the other hand I think every second of my life before I came to truly know Christ were equally low points. I remember, walking near the house on another 105 degree day (1998 was a hot year), trying to think of the best way to finish myself off, when I saw am image of my father crying at my funeral. It was a look of such stunning anguish, it broke my heart. It was the most realistic thing to ever flash into my mind. If I were to have a gun in my hand at that point I would have dropped it, just as quickly I dropped the thought of killing myself. From then on, I realized that my life had some purpose.
That purpose would remain lost on me for the next several years. My sense of purpose would be a confused and ultimately self-twisted idea that my purpose in life was to be successful, rich, powerful, and awesome. I saw every person on Earth as placed in a system where we were all ranked, 1 though 6 billion. My goal was to be number one and I needed to, and could, do whatever it took to reach that spot.
To be continued...
Monday, January 31, 2005
My Testimony
I've been meaning to write this for weeks, but I've procrastinated. My good friend Derek Eacho has encouraged me by posting his own. http://derekeacho.blogspot.com/
...coming soon....
...coming soon....
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Random and Belated Best of 2K4
This is late, and all in my humble opinion.
Best Album - MewithoutYou - Catch For Us the Foxes
Best Song - MewithoutYou - Seven Sisters
Best Often Played Radio Single - Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
Best Mainstream Music Album - Franz Ferdinand - s/t
Best live show (that I saw) - The Get Up Kids - Emo's 3/22
Best Movie - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - (honorable mention to The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou and The Passion of the Christ)
Most Importiant Media Figure - Mel Gibson
Funniest Comedy - Napolean Dynamite (h/m Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy)
Man (most importaint figure) of the Year - George W. Bush
Most Influential Non-Politican - Michael Moore
Biggest Winners of the Year - George W. Bush and the GOP, USC Football
Biggest Losers of the Year - Howard Dean, OU Football, The National Hockey League
Best Album - MewithoutYou - Catch For Us the Foxes
Best Song - MewithoutYou - Seven Sisters
Best Often Played Radio Single - Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
Best Mainstream Music Album - Franz Ferdinand - s/t
Best live show (that I saw) - The Get Up Kids - Emo's 3/22
Best Movie - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - (honorable mention to The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou and The Passion of the Christ)
Most Importiant Media Figure - Mel Gibson
Funniest Comedy - Napolean Dynamite (h/m Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy)
Man (most importaint figure) of the Year - George W. Bush
Most Influential Non-Politican - Michael Moore
Biggest Winners of the Year - George W. Bush and the GOP, USC Football
Biggest Losers of the Year - Howard Dean, OU Football, The National Hockey League
Mix CDs Pt. 1
I love making mix cds...everything about the process is enjoyable. It's an art form of sorts, or a lousy excuse not to be truly artistic. I make mixes often, whenver I make one I'm going to post it on here. I just finished one to play after we close (Mozart's)...many of the songs are songs that just seem to pop in my head after we close, others are just songs that I really like.
Track list:
1. The Weakerthans - Our Retired Explorer (Dines with Michael Foucalt in Paris)
2. Fugazi - Caustic Accoustic
3. The Shins - One By One All Day
4. The December Drive - 1422
5. And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead - It Was There That I Saw You
6. RX Bandits - Decrescendo
7. Five Iron Frenzy - Oh, Canada
8. Modest Mouse - Out Of Gas
9. Death Cab For Cutie - Song for Kelly Huckaby
10. Cursive - The Recluse
11. At The Drive In - Transatlantic Foe
12. Less Than Jake - Lockdown
13. Millencolin - No Cigar
14. Slick Shoes - We Were Young
15. The Get Up Kids - I'm A Loner Dottie, A Rebel
16. Saves The Day - At Your Funeral
17. MewithoutYou - Paper Hangar
18. Neutral Milk Hotel - Ghost
19. Lagwagon - Lullaby
20. Streetlight Manifesto - Everything Goes Numb
21. The Impossibles - Erin With an "E"
22. Thrice - The Beltsville Crucible
If you're not familar with any of the bands on the list, I highly recommend checking them out.
- Jordan
Track list:
1. The Weakerthans - Our Retired Explorer (Dines with Michael Foucalt in Paris)
2. Fugazi - Caustic Accoustic
3. The Shins - One By One All Day
4. The December Drive - 1422
5. And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead - It Was There That I Saw You
6. RX Bandits - Decrescendo
7. Five Iron Frenzy - Oh, Canada
8. Modest Mouse - Out Of Gas
9. Death Cab For Cutie - Song for Kelly Huckaby
10. Cursive - The Recluse
11. At The Drive In - Transatlantic Foe
12. Less Than Jake - Lockdown
13. Millencolin - No Cigar
14. Slick Shoes - We Were Young
15. The Get Up Kids - I'm A Loner Dottie, A Rebel
16. Saves The Day - At Your Funeral
17. MewithoutYou - Paper Hangar
18. Neutral Milk Hotel - Ghost
19. Lagwagon - Lullaby
20. Streetlight Manifesto - Everything Goes Numb
21. The Impossibles - Erin With an "E"
22. Thrice - The Beltsville Crucible
If you're not familar with any of the bands on the list, I highly recommend checking them out.
- Jordan
Clouds
Overcast/prolonged rainy weather is rare in Central Texas, and for that I am thankful. On the occastion that it is rainy and cloudy for a prolonged period of time, like today, I always tend to feel a little down, mainly because I love sunny weather and am not generally used to other forms of weather.
I've learned however that it is not a good thing to allow my emotions to be directed by something as simple as a weather pattern. I am sure there are logical reasons for the fact that it is easier for me to be in a cheerful mood, and more focused on God, when the weather is great (sunny)...but am I so weak that I cannot overcome this simple emotional barrier?
Of course not, but sometimes I give into the lie that I am. I often buy into the lie that my emotions and, more importiantly, my personality, and more importiant than that, my spiritual condition, are subject to my environment and situation. Whenever I subscribe to that notion it becomes a self-defeating prophecy. I cannot overcome any given situation if I declare defeat in advance. So this weekend, in the midst of some purely nasty weather, I am learning to break out of the easy yet destructive pattern of tying my personal condition in many areas of life to my situation, using it as an excuse to be apathetic and unmotivated. This is a battle, but it is one that I am finally willing to take on.
- Jordan
I've learned however that it is not a good thing to allow my emotions to be directed by something as simple as a weather pattern. I am sure there are logical reasons for the fact that it is easier for me to be in a cheerful mood, and more focused on God, when the weather is great (sunny)...but am I so weak that I cannot overcome this simple emotional barrier?
Of course not, but sometimes I give into the lie that I am. I often buy into the lie that my emotions and, more importiantly, my personality, and more importiant than that, my spiritual condition, are subject to my environment and situation. Whenever I subscribe to that notion it becomes a self-defeating prophecy. I cannot overcome any given situation if I declare defeat in advance. So this weekend, in the midst of some purely nasty weather, I am learning to break out of the easy yet destructive pattern of tying my personal condition in many areas of life to my situation, using it as an excuse to be apathetic and unmotivated. This is a battle, but it is one that I am finally willing to take on.
- Jordan
Friday, January 28, 2005
Lost In Negitivity.
I am currently lost in a sea of thoughts, many of them negitive. I struggle often when my overall keen sense of optimism is turned off and replaced with negitive thoughts. These thoughts are often about other people, not just people I know, but people in general. I see people and make judgements about them without even meeting or talking to them. Often I am best at this behind the wheel...judging people by the way they drive or the bumper stickers on their car (Nascar stickers = drunk idiot douchebag redneck etc...)...I am also good at making quick baseless judgements about people based on the clothes they wear, the greek letters on their shirt, their accent, the music they listen to cours this isin't right but it appeals to my ego.
My ego, in this area, is often taken down a peg everytime I actually meet someone that I have made a preconcieved negitive judgement against...and that person actually turns out to not only be a cool person, but a good friend. This also proves to me that just because I think something, that doesn't make it true, accurate or right. This is a major issue for me, one that consistently holds me back in social circles, and in life overall.
The problem in this area, among many, is that I have absolutely zero accountability in it. I never have any checks on these thoughts, no one is inside my head while I think them and I am very good at hiding them, and acting nice. If I voice them, I come across as a jerk, so I often keep them to myself. I do not have the apparent ability to deal with them on my own, to fight them, to tell myself that it is wrong to be egotistical and judge other's weaknesses or differences in light of my falsely percieved strengths. It's wrong, but I am often too weak and I eagerly accept the fact that "it's the way I am and I cannot change".
So there is the quandry of my situation. I am too weak to change on my own, too spiritually weak to trust God with them, and at the same time no one can help me with them because I do not have anyone that I can really talk about this with. I have no accountability in my thought life. Thoughts are not just an issue of lust or misplaced affection for me, they are what shape how I view everything...they affect every aspect of my life...so I hide them. I don't want to hide them, I want help. I can't fix this issue on my own. I need help. I don't know where to turn with them. I'm afraid that if I go to people with what I'm really thinking that I'll be thought of as a jerk, a bad person, an unlikable person...rejected. I fear rejection...it is my absolute greatest fear.
The friends, who also served as spiritual guides in my life, that I've had from the past few years that I could talk about stuff like this with are gone...married, in the army, moved back to another country etc...The friends I have now with which I can discuss things like this openly are spiritual peers, they have problems in their own life that they have to figure out and me trying to use them to fix my own (which I have sometimes done) would be (and is) wrong...and would make it harder for them to deal with the problems in their life. I need a spiritual leader in my life but I have such a hard time accepting leadership.
So I'm stuck...at least in my mind I am, and I don't know what to do I feel hopeless. All of my negitivity only leads to a hopeless feeling.
- Jordan
My ego, in this area, is often taken down a peg everytime I actually meet someone that I have made a preconcieved negitive judgement against...and that person actually turns out to not only be a cool person, but a good friend. This also proves to me that just because I think something, that doesn't make it true, accurate or right. This is a major issue for me, one that consistently holds me back in social circles, and in life overall.
The problem in this area, among many, is that I have absolutely zero accountability in it. I never have any checks on these thoughts, no one is inside my head while I think them and I am very good at hiding them, and acting nice. If I voice them, I come across as a jerk, so I often keep them to myself. I do not have the apparent ability to deal with them on my own, to fight them, to tell myself that it is wrong to be egotistical and judge other's weaknesses or differences in light of my falsely percieved strengths. It's wrong, but I am often too weak and I eagerly accept the fact that "it's the way I am and I cannot change".
So there is the quandry of my situation. I am too weak to change on my own, too spiritually weak to trust God with them, and at the same time no one can help me with them because I do not have anyone that I can really talk about this with. I have no accountability in my thought life. Thoughts are not just an issue of lust or misplaced affection for me, they are what shape how I view everything...they affect every aspect of my life...so I hide them. I don't want to hide them, I want help. I can't fix this issue on my own. I need help. I don't know where to turn with them. I'm afraid that if I go to people with what I'm really thinking that I'll be thought of as a jerk, a bad person, an unlikable person...rejected. I fear rejection...it is my absolute greatest fear.
The friends, who also served as spiritual guides in my life, that I've had from the past few years that I could talk about stuff like this with are gone...married, in the army, moved back to another country etc...The friends I have now with which I can discuss things like this openly are spiritual peers, they have problems in their own life that they have to figure out and me trying to use them to fix my own (which I have sometimes done) would be (and is) wrong...and would make it harder for them to deal with the problems in their life. I need a spiritual leader in my life but I have such a hard time accepting leadership.
So I'm stuck...at least in my mind I am, and I don't know what to do I feel hopeless. All of my negitivity only leads to a hopeless feeling.
- Jordan
Monday, January 24, 2005
Accountability
I look at my life and I see a number of patterns in my daily life that are problems. They are problems and areas of sin that I either try to fix on my own (and eventually give up on) or I just lament them or ignore them without doing anything about them.
Of course I cannot use the lack of accountability that I have in almost every area of my life as an excuse, but I really could use some. From spending time and focusing on God, to my thought life, to my (internal) attitude towards others...I have many areas of my life that are huge problems, but I do a really good job of hiding them from others. There are more of course, I have issues that I haven't admitted to anyone but I really need to talk to people about these things. In my case, I do a very good job of convincing myself that I can solve these things on my own, which inevitably leads me to just tuck them away and not let them get "in the way" of my daily life.
This of course is an unhealthy way to live. I know this, but I rarely take the iniative to do anything about it. I often complain that I no longer have the web of acountability that I once enjoyed when I lived in Temple, but I rarely do anything to build a new one here in Austin/San Marcos. So, if you're reading this, you probably know me and the me that you know is a fortified image that is rarely vulnerable (but inside is dealing with many vulnerabilites). I understand that the lack of accountability in my life stems from my own lack of iniative...but I want you all to know that I really want it, need it, and am praying for it. So please, if you know me, feel free to ask me about any vulnerable subject. I won't be upset, I'll be overjoyed. I'll try to seek it out, but honestly that's just another thing that I can try on my own with fruitless results. I really need encouragement and help, I'm not as spiritually strong as I try to seem. I've only been a Christian for 3 years and 8 months. I'm spiritually immature and I have an incredible amount of growing to do.
So yea, basically this is a shamless plea for help in this area. I need accountability. I'm very weak willed when I don't have some one to kick me in my proverbial spiritual pants.
- Jordan
Of course I cannot use the lack of accountability that I have in almost every area of my life as an excuse, but I really could use some. From spending time and focusing on God, to my thought life, to my (internal) attitude towards others...I have many areas of my life that are huge problems, but I do a really good job of hiding them from others. There are more of course, I have issues that I haven't admitted to anyone but I really need to talk to people about these things. In my case, I do a very good job of convincing myself that I can solve these things on my own, which inevitably leads me to just tuck them away and not let them get "in the way" of my daily life.
This of course is an unhealthy way to live. I know this, but I rarely take the iniative to do anything about it. I often complain that I no longer have the web of acountability that I once enjoyed when I lived in Temple, but I rarely do anything to build a new one here in Austin/San Marcos. So, if you're reading this, you probably know me and the me that you know is a fortified image that is rarely vulnerable (but inside is dealing with many vulnerabilites). I understand that the lack of accountability in my life stems from my own lack of iniative...but I want you all to know that I really want it, need it, and am praying for it. So please, if you know me, feel free to ask me about any vulnerable subject. I won't be upset, I'll be overjoyed. I'll try to seek it out, but honestly that's just another thing that I can try on my own with fruitless results. I really need encouragement and help, I'm not as spiritually strong as I try to seem. I've only been a Christian for 3 years and 8 months. I'm spiritually immature and I have an incredible amount of growing to do.
So yea, basically this is a shamless plea for help in this area. I need accountability. I'm very weak willed when I don't have some one to kick me in my proverbial spiritual pants.
- Jordan
They've Got It AIl Wrong
Yesterday I was watching the NFC Championship game (which was unfortunetly won by the Philadelphia Eagles...a.k.a. the spawn of Satan), and a commercial came on featureing Peyton Manning and another player (who's identity I've temporarly forgotten) talking about the NFL's Tsunami aid fund.
The commerical featured Manning, speaking of the tragedy in a somber tone interspersed with pictures and video from the disaster area. This got me thinking, Americans today, in fact almost any generation of Americans that is currently alive tend to be very self centered. It takes something like September 11 or the Tsunami to get people to think beyond their own little social circles and communities. In light of this I thought that perhaps playing the angle of the destitute state that millions of people halfway around the world are in might not be the most effective way of conveying the scope of the tragedy. Perhaps our entertianment and sports obsessed culture would better understand the need if it were placed in terms that we as Americans can relate to. Thus, if the 30 second PSA were rewritten, the NFL might see more success. This is how I would have written it, in light of the topics I just discussed.
---
(Manning on screen, begin PSA)
Recently, a desvestating tsunami wave crashed into Southeast Asia and East Africa, taking hundreds of thousands of lives and leaving millions homeless. Your help is needed to help them recover from the destruction.
This tsunami is a lot like the tidal wave of touchdown passes that I torched opposing teams with in route to breaking the all time single season touchdown record.
(video of some of Manning's more spectacular touchdowns)
(over video)The looks of hopelessness on the faces of the wave's victims is exactly like the look I saw on the devestated defenders who had to face me and watch me pass for touchdown after touchdown. I have seen that devestation and it is not a pretty sight. Just as those defensive backs needed physical, mental and spiritual support after playing against me, so do the victims of the tsunami in Asia.
(shot of Manning looking concerned)
So, if you watched me play this season, you hopefully understand the pain and despair that millions in Asia are feeling right now. Hopefully you will find it in your heart to give and help them recover from this crisis. This disaster, just like myself, makes Dan Marino look like an average offensive player. Thank you for your support.
---
Now that would be an effective PSA.
- Jordan
The commerical featured Manning, speaking of the tragedy in a somber tone interspersed with pictures and video from the disaster area. This got me thinking, Americans today, in fact almost any generation of Americans that is currently alive tend to be very self centered. It takes something like September 11 or the Tsunami to get people to think beyond their own little social circles and communities. In light of this I thought that perhaps playing the angle of the destitute state that millions of people halfway around the world are in might not be the most effective way of conveying the scope of the tragedy. Perhaps our entertianment and sports obsessed culture would better understand the need if it were placed in terms that we as Americans can relate to. Thus, if the 30 second PSA were rewritten, the NFL might see more success. This is how I would have written it, in light of the topics I just discussed.
---
(Manning on screen, begin PSA)
Recently, a desvestating tsunami wave crashed into Southeast Asia and East Africa, taking hundreds of thousands of lives and leaving millions homeless. Your help is needed to help them recover from the destruction.
This tsunami is a lot like the tidal wave of touchdown passes that I torched opposing teams with in route to breaking the all time single season touchdown record.
(video of some of Manning's more spectacular touchdowns)
(over video)The looks of hopelessness on the faces of the wave's victims is exactly like the look I saw on the devestated defenders who had to face me and watch me pass for touchdown after touchdown. I have seen that devestation and it is not a pretty sight. Just as those defensive backs needed physical, mental and spiritual support after playing against me, so do the victims of the tsunami in Asia.
(shot of Manning looking concerned)
So, if you watched me play this season, you hopefully understand the pain and despair that millions in Asia are feeling right now. Hopefully you will find it in your heart to give and help them recover from this crisis. This disaster, just like myself, makes Dan Marino look like an average offensive player. Thank you for your support.
---
Now that would be an effective PSA.
- Jordan
Sunday, January 23, 2005
The Encouragement of Human Depravity
I subscribe to the belief that human kind, at it's core, desires to do evil and that, without God, man is unable to attain salvation on his own and by all accounts is...I also believe that when a person is saved, he is still flawed and imperfect, prone to sin and wander...but forgiven/pardoned by God though his incalculable grace.
Does this make me a theological pessimist? Hardly...I would argue that it is the only realistic approach in the question of human evil. If man were innately good...then the amount of evil in the world would be truncated greatly beyond where it is now. When I look around at humanity, and I tend to view life though optimistic lenses, I see the truth of a passage in Romans 3 that has greatly affected the amount of clarity in the way I view God and the world the he created.
---
9What shall we conclude then? Are we any better? Not at all! We have already made the charge that Jews and Gentiles alike are all under sin. 10As it is written: “There is no one righteous, not even one;
11there is no one who understands,
no one who seeks God. 12All have turned away,
they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good,
not even one.” 13“Their throats are open graves;
their tongues practice deceit. The poison of vipers is on their lips.”
14“Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.” 15“Their feet are swift to shed blood;
16ruin and misery mark their ways, 17and the way of peace they do not know.”[g]
18“There is no fear of God before their eyes.”(Romans 3:9-18 NIV)
---
A better general description of the fallen and troubled world that we live in can hardly be found. War, crime, hate, racism, murder, lying, rape, thevery, senseless destruction...these are unfortuntely not just exceptions in a pattern of overall good human behavior...they are common traits of mankind and have been for millenia.
Pessimistic or realistic, is Paul merely writing from blind emotion? Mabye he was just having a bad day. I would disagree. What he writes is the truth, we cannot brush it off and just try to avoid thinking about man's depravity. We cannot ignore the way that all of us, including Christians, are in our flesh. We cannot ignore that the power of God's salvation, avalible though the sacrifice of His Son on the Cross, is the only thing that can save us from what we truly are.
So where is the encouragment that I have somehow found in this passage? It is right there in verse 10. I have always striven to save myself by whatever means, only to become angry and frustrated when my problems remain. My recent recognition of the fact that I truly cannot do anything about my sinful state except to place my trust in God to refine me according to his will takes so much of the pressure that I have put on myself and tosses it away.
Of course, this is merely a recognition, not something that I have begun to put into constant practice. However, I am sensing a newfound freedom in this passage. When the Bible speaks of being "Free from the Law"...is it not saying that we should do what we want...hardly so (see my entry on Authority from a few days past). What it is saying is that we are free from the burden of having to accumulate salvation on our own (something that is impossible for us to attain because it is a perfect end and we are imperfect beings). We are free from having to trust in something other than God (in this case the Law) to save us from our sinful and evil nature. What a great encouragement this is to me! I cannot begin to recount all of the stress, depression and frustration that I have dealt with because I have trusted in many things other than God to save me.
My hope is that I will contenue to see the truth of what the passage in Romans is saying. If I would only trust God more, and trust in myself less, I might begin to be free of the pressure that I place on myself every day to be succesful in a number of areas. My hope is also that I would finally grasp the hope that is found in the passage that immediately follows the one that I quoted above:
---
21But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. 22This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, 23for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. 25God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished– 26he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.
---
This passage is my answer to the accusation of pessimism. Is there anything more optimistic than believing that, in spite of all of the evil that clearly exists in the world, there is still hope for mankind and the Grace that facilitates that Hope is avalible freely to us reguardless of the sins that we have commited. It is avalible freely because we all deserve the same sentence. It is importiant that we do not accept the condemnation of 23 without believing in the truth of the pardon in verse 24...that we (Paul here is speaking to those who have been saved by God's grace) are JUSTIFED FREELY by God's Grace though the REDEMPTION that came by Christ Jesus.
I feel that I have only covered a small part of the range of thoughts that I have been having on this often glanced over but rarely deeply studied chapter of Romans. I plan to keep it near the top of my mind and discuss it many times in the future. It is my hope that Christians everywhere would do the same.
Until then, take it easy.
- Jordan
Does this make me a theological pessimist? Hardly...I would argue that it is the only realistic approach in the question of human evil. If man were innately good...then the amount of evil in the world would be truncated greatly beyond where it is now. When I look around at humanity, and I tend to view life though optimistic lenses, I see the truth of a passage in Romans 3 that has greatly affected the amount of clarity in the way I view God and the world the he created.
---
9What shall we conclude then? Are we any better? Not at all! We have already made the charge that Jews and Gentiles alike are all under sin. 10As it is written: “There is no one righteous, not even one;
11there is no one who understands,
no one who seeks God. 12All have turned away,
they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good,
not even one.” 13“Their throats are open graves;
their tongues practice deceit. The poison of vipers is on their lips.”
14“Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.” 15“Their feet are swift to shed blood;
16ruin and misery mark their ways, 17and the way of peace they do not know.”[g]
18“There is no fear of God before their eyes.”(Romans 3:9-18 NIV)
---
A better general description of the fallen and troubled world that we live in can hardly be found. War, crime, hate, racism, murder, lying, rape, thevery, senseless destruction...these are unfortuntely not just exceptions in a pattern of overall good human behavior...they are common traits of mankind and have been for millenia.
Pessimistic or realistic, is Paul merely writing from blind emotion? Mabye he was just having a bad day. I would disagree. What he writes is the truth, we cannot brush it off and just try to avoid thinking about man's depravity. We cannot ignore the way that all of us, including Christians, are in our flesh. We cannot ignore that the power of God's salvation, avalible though the sacrifice of His Son on the Cross, is the only thing that can save us from what we truly are.
So where is the encouragment that I have somehow found in this passage? It is right there in verse 10. I have always striven to save myself by whatever means, only to become angry and frustrated when my problems remain. My recent recognition of the fact that I truly cannot do anything about my sinful state except to place my trust in God to refine me according to his will takes so much of the pressure that I have put on myself and tosses it away.
Of course, this is merely a recognition, not something that I have begun to put into constant practice. However, I am sensing a newfound freedom in this passage. When the Bible speaks of being "Free from the Law"...is it not saying that we should do what we want...hardly so (see my entry on Authority from a few days past). What it is saying is that we are free from the burden of having to accumulate salvation on our own (something that is impossible for us to attain because it is a perfect end and we are imperfect beings). We are free from having to trust in something other than God (in this case the Law) to save us from our sinful and evil nature. What a great encouragement this is to me! I cannot begin to recount all of the stress, depression and frustration that I have dealt with because I have trusted in many things other than God to save me.
My hope is that I will contenue to see the truth of what the passage in Romans is saying. If I would only trust God more, and trust in myself less, I might begin to be free of the pressure that I place on myself every day to be succesful in a number of areas. My hope is also that I would finally grasp the hope that is found in the passage that immediately follows the one that I quoted above:
---
21But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. 22This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, 23for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. 25God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished– 26he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.
---
This passage is my answer to the accusation of pessimism. Is there anything more optimistic than believing that, in spite of all of the evil that clearly exists in the world, there is still hope for mankind and the Grace that facilitates that Hope is avalible freely to us reguardless of the sins that we have commited. It is avalible freely because we all deserve the same sentence. It is importiant that we do not accept the condemnation of 23 without believing in the truth of the pardon in verse 24...that we (Paul here is speaking to those who have been saved by God's grace) are JUSTIFED FREELY by God's Grace though the REDEMPTION that came by Christ Jesus.
I feel that I have only covered a small part of the range of thoughts that I have been having on this often glanced over but rarely deeply studied chapter of Romans. I plan to keep it near the top of my mind and discuss it many times in the future. It is my hope that Christians everywhere would do the same.
Until then, take it easy.
- Jordan
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Thanks
I have a great deal that I want to write however I just got home from work and am pretty tired. Thanks to everyone who reads this and to everyone who responds especially. I really appreciate your responses.
- Jordan
- Jordan
Monday, January 17, 2005
So That's Where the Sun Comes From
With the exception of Dallas Winter Conference, I haven't been awake before 9 a.m. since the end up last semester. With another semester starting tomorrow, I thought that today would be a good day to try to jolt my sleep pattern back into a reasonable place.
My average bedtime during the break has been 4 a.m., meaning that this is easily the worst shape that my sleep pattern has ever been in. Of course I do work until 1 or 2 a.m. on most nights, but I'm still not doing a good job of going to bed promptly even when I get home that late...or on nights that I don't work for that matter.
I hate mornings, I am not a "morning person"...so much so that I find the fact that some people are to be very annoying. I like sleeping late...I like hitting the snooze button on my alarm anywhere from 5 to 10 times...waking up is one of the most difficult parts of my day because I have a very hard time doing so, no matter how much sleep I have had.
I guess the root of the problem can be traced back to my entry about iniative, few things take more iniative for me than to will myself out of bed in the morning. I am a very hard sleeper, when I'm out I'm out and often I am in a somewhat comatose state just minutes after I fall asleep. That's a plus of course, I sleep very well and rarely wake up at night (except to pee if I really have to) but it's a negative when it comes to having to promptly get up, shave, shower, grab my stuff and drive to school. On top of the physical difficultly, I have little iniative to wake up...well, mabye I have a lot...but it's still not enough. I almost always make it to class on time, but it's a struggle. I don't feel that I am at my best, or do my best for God before noon.
What I need is more iniative, iniative to honor God in the morning...all day for that matter. I feel the farthest from God during the first hour that I am awake. My brain and body work very slowly, I often end up remembering many simple facts about my life and about God only after about 30 minutes of stubling around. This means that in the first half hour of my day I am very weak in a spiritual sense, and sometimes I have difficulty shaking it off and it affects much of my day. If I could only wake up faster and wake up with more time than to just get dressed and leave then mabye I could start my day faster. I've gotten to the point of contemplating posting importiant facts, verses, passages, anything above my bed so I can wake up and be reminded of what is true and not the lies that my brain spins at me every morning. I'm sure this sounds pretty weird, and believe me it is.
This past semester was a huge test in this area. I avoid 8 a.m. classes like gay bars and I-35 though downtown (puns intended), however last semester I was confronted with a required class that was ONLY offered at 8 a.m. Fortuntely it was only one day a week for lecture and my lab was later in the day but the fact remained that I was basically forced to take it.
So I hated Tuesdays. I hated having to get up at 6:30, usually just 5 hours after I had gotten off work the previous night (the only way I could be awake enough in time to take the quiz that was given at the begining of every class), spend 30-45 minutes just to brush my teeth, shave and shower, drive to school half awake while it was still pretty dark at 85 m.p.h. while cars zipped past me going faster, hopefully find parking near campus or take the bus, and stumble up the hill to Old Main just in time to take a quiz that hopefully at this point I would at least be able to read. Yes, I hated Tuesdays.
But of course difficult and uncomfortable circumstances always leads to the development of character. I gained alot of the iniative that I was lacking every Tuesday. As much as I hate mornings I'm glad that I've had 3 semesters with 8 a.m. classes to make me realize that there is really no good excuse for skipping an 11 a.m. class. Good times? Well, not really, but good in the sense that I'm more disciplined after last semester. After the 8 a.m. class I had to sit though Physical Anthropology...a difficult class even for me and one where I had to take 10 to 12 pages of notes for every class. Even though it was at 9:30, I had already been up for three hours so my body was tricked into thinking it was much later and I can credit the grade I got in that class to having to get up so early for the first class.
I guess I've kind of come to a resolution here. I can draw from last semester in my quest for more iniative. Getting up for 9:30 and 10:00 a.m. classes this semester should be a breeze in comparison. I'm hoping that will be the case. But I can't just rely on myself, or my experences, I need to rely on God or any goal that I set will be fruitless.
Take it easy,
- Jordan
My average bedtime during the break has been 4 a.m., meaning that this is easily the worst shape that my sleep pattern has ever been in. Of course I do work until 1 or 2 a.m. on most nights, but I'm still not doing a good job of going to bed promptly even when I get home that late...or on nights that I don't work for that matter.
I hate mornings, I am not a "morning person"...so much so that I find the fact that some people are to be very annoying. I like sleeping late...I like hitting the snooze button on my alarm anywhere from 5 to 10 times...waking up is one of the most difficult parts of my day because I have a very hard time doing so, no matter how much sleep I have had.
I guess the root of the problem can be traced back to my entry about iniative, few things take more iniative for me than to will myself out of bed in the morning. I am a very hard sleeper, when I'm out I'm out and often I am in a somewhat comatose state just minutes after I fall asleep. That's a plus of course, I sleep very well and rarely wake up at night (except to pee if I really have to) but it's a negative when it comes to having to promptly get up, shave, shower, grab my stuff and drive to school. On top of the physical difficultly, I have little iniative to wake up...well, mabye I have a lot...but it's still not enough. I almost always make it to class on time, but it's a struggle. I don't feel that I am at my best, or do my best for God before noon.
What I need is more iniative, iniative to honor God in the morning...all day for that matter. I feel the farthest from God during the first hour that I am awake. My brain and body work very slowly, I often end up remembering many simple facts about my life and about God only after about 30 minutes of stubling around. This means that in the first half hour of my day I am very weak in a spiritual sense, and sometimes I have difficulty shaking it off and it affects much of my day. If I could only wake up faster and wake up with more time than to just get dressed and leave then mabye I could start my day faster. I've gotten to the point of contemplating posting importiant facts, verses, passages, anything above my bed so I can wake up and be reminded of what is true and not the lies that my brain spins at me every morning. I'm sure this sounds pretty weird, and believe me it is.
This past semester was a huge test in this area. I avoid 8 a.m. classes like gay bars and I-35 though downtown (puns intended), however last semester I was confronted with a required class that was ONLY offered at 8 a.m. Fortuntely it was only one day a week for lecture and my lab was later in the day but the fact remained that I was basically forced to take it.
So I hated Tuesdays. I hated having to get up at 6:30, usually just 5 hours after I had gotten off work the previous night (the only way I could be awake enough in time to take the quiz that was given at the begining of every class), spend 30-45 minutes just to brush my teeth, shave and shower, drive to school half awake while it was still pretty dark at 85 m.p.h. while cars zipped past me going faster, hopefully find parking near campus or take the bus, and stumble up the hill to Old Main just in time to take a quiz that hopefully at this point I would at least be able to read. Yes, I hated Tuesdays.
But of course difficult and uncomfortable circumstances always leads to the development of character. I gained alot of the iniative that I was lacking every Tuesday. As much as I hate mornings I'm glad that I've had 3 semesters with 8 a.m. classes to make me realize that there is really no good excuse for skipping an 11 a.m. class. Good times? Well, not really, but good in the sense that I'm more disciplined after last semester. After the 8 a.m. class I had to sit though Physical Anthropology...a difficult class even for me and one where I had to take 10 to 12 pages of notes for every class. Even though it was at 9:30, I had already been up for three hours so my body was tricked into thinking it was much later and I can credit the grade I got in that class to having to get up so early for the first class.
I guess I've kind of come to a resolution here. I can draw from last semester in my quest for more iniative. Getting up for 9:30 and 10:00 a.m. classes this semester should be a breeze in comparison. I'm hoping that will be the case. But I can't just rely on myself, or my experences, I need to rely on God or any goal that I set will be fruitless.
Take it easy,
- Jordan
The Gay Strip
Looking out the window of the Halcyon coffee shop on 4th street I can see Austin's growing epicenter of gay nightlife, anchored by Oilcan Harry's and its proudly flying ranbow flags that hang over the sidewalk. Two new bars, "Boyz Cove" and another one have quickly sprung up next door and a number of visably gay dudes can be seen all over the block.
Like many heterosexuals the thought of homosexual relations can be an akward one to me, however I am learning to look at the issue in a different light, from a biblical standpoint. Of course, since I believe in the truth of the Bible I believe that homosexuality is a "sin" as defined by God. What I am miffed at however, is the utter villification of homosexual relations by people who are untimately basically as sinful and sexually immoral themselves, "conservative Christians". Yes it is a sin, but so is adultery or any form of heterosexual immorality...and, this might come as a shock, but sin untimately is the same to God. Just as much grace is needed to cover heterosexual sins as is needed for homosexual sin. Wow, how about that. Jerry "the gays are responsible for 9/11" Falwell is just as ultimately sinful as any of the people across the street...or myself for that matter.
Ultimately the problem with typical Christian (yet un-Christ-like) attitudes towards homosexuals is a common one, people are so determined to hide their own sins and downplay them that they will berate someone else's sin and treat it as if they are worse (making themselves better). Under the guise of "moral values" we are building this self righteous tower of Babel, acting as if by judging a form of sin that we don't commonly practice we become closer to God. We don't, we in fact probably are looked at by Jesus in the same way as the pharisees. The splinter versus plank reference relates to this perfectly.
Of course I agree that we shouldn't, in a rush to be "tolerant", blindly accept the gay lifestyle to be "ok"...however, we (Christians) do this already, we do it with reguard to lust, to materialism, to heterosexual immorality, to idolizing comfort (which I will address in an upcoming entry entitled "1604 Churches"), we treat those as "ok", yet are afraid of accepting other unbiblical lifestyles as "ok". Thus, the stench of hypocracy in the "Christian Right/Moral Values" crowd is nausiating. Many rushed to the polls to vote for anti-gay marrage amendments in 11 states on November 2, and yet commonly vote against such measures in their own lives reguarding their own sins.
So, as I look out the window and across the street I don't see homosexuals, I see people who need God just as much as I do, who are just as human as I am, who struggle with something that I can't fathom dealing with that is probably the result of many causes and decisions (but not genetics, but that's a topic for another entry). Ultimately I see people who wish to be free, not just from their lifestyle, but from death, just as many heterosexuals desire to be spiritually free as well. I see people who are alot like myself, and I'm not afraid to admit that because it's the truth, not just for me, but for anyone, even anyone who named "moral values" as the most importiant issue in the November election.
Like many heterosexuals the thought of homosexual relations can be an akward one to me, however I am learning to look at the issue in a different light, from a biblical standpoint. Of course, since I believe in the truth of the Bible I believe that homosexuality is a "sin" as defined by God. What I am miffed at however, is the utter villification of homosexual relations by people who are untimately basically as sinful and sexually immoral themselves, "conservative Christians". Yes it is a sin, but so is adultery or any form of heterosexual immorality...and, this might come as a shock, but sin untimately is the same to God. Just as much grace is needed to cover heterosexual sins as is needed for homosexual sin. Wow, how about that. Jerry "the gays are responsible for 9/11" Falwell is just as ultimately sinful as any of the people across the street...or myself for that matter.
Ultimately the problem with typical Christian (yet un-Christ-like) attitudes towards homosexuals is a common one, people are so determined to hide their own sins and downplay them that they will berate someone else's sin and treat it as if they are worse (making themselves better). Under the guise of "moral values" we are building this self righteous tower of Babel, acting as if by judging a form of sin that we don't commonly practice we become closer to God. We don't, we in fact probably are looked at by Jesus in the same way as the pharisees. The splinter versus plank reference relates to this perfectly.
Of course I agree that we shouldn't, in a rush to be "tolerant", blindly accept the gay lifestyle to be "ok"...however, we (Christians) do this already, we do it with reguard to lust, to materialism, to heterosexual immorality, to idolizing comfort (which I will address in an upcoming entry entitled "1604 Churches"), we treat those as "ok", yet are afraid of accepting other unbiblical lifestyles as "ok". Thus, the stench of hypocracy in the "Christian Right/Moral Values" crowd is nausiating. Many rushed to the polls to vote for anti-gay marrage amendments in 11 states on November 2, and yet commonly vote against such measures in their own lives reguarding their own sins.
So, as I look out the window and across the street I don't see homosexuals, I see people who need God just as much as I do, who are just as human as I am, who struggle with something that I can't fathom dealing with that is probably the result of many causes and decisions (but not genetics, but that's a topic for another entry). Ultimately I see people who wish to be free, not just from their lifestyle, but from death, just as many heterosexuals desire to be spiritually free as well. I see people who are alot like myself, and I'm not afraid to admit that because it's the truth, not just for me, but for anyone, even anyone who named "moral values" as the most importiant issue in the November election.
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Interstate 35
Saturday I got off work at 2:15 (a.m.) and drove to San Antonio to spend some time with a good friend that I haven't seen in a while (Chris Morgan, very cool guy). We went to the All-American game at the Alamodome and had good times. While driving there and back I was struck by something, not a brick or a large rock, but the realization of how attatched my life has been to the congested strip of asphalt known as Interstate 35.
I have often joked that my life revolves around it. The truth is I have spent all but the first 3 years of my life living in counties along 35 (mostly Bell County). All but 6 of those years were spent living within 2 miles of the interstate, which means for most of my life the sounds of thousands of cars and semi-trucks going somewhere else have been a constant soundtrack.
I think that everyone has landmarks, places or things that tie their lives together. Many of my memories will inevitably be linked with 35, I have spent countless thousands of hours suspended inches above the highway moving at speeds of 0 to 90 miles per hour. I have seen every building, resturant, house and field along the interstate from San Antonio to Dallas-Fort Worth countless hundreds of times.
I guess there is no deep philosphical point to what I am saying, I am simply discussing the fact that something that is another inanimate object to one person, might be an importiant life symbol to others. Wherever I go in life, when I see an interstate sign with the number 35 on the front, I will be reminded of home, of friends and family, of the many countless memories I have accumulated in a life along a busy highway.
I have often joked that my life revolves around it. The truth is I have spent all but the first 3 years of my life living in counties along 35 (mostly Bell County). All but 6 of those years were spent living within 2 miles of the interstate, which means for most of my life the sounds of thousands of cars and semi-trucks going somewhere else have been a constant soundtrack.
I think that everyone has landmarks, places or things that tie their lives together. Many of my memories will inevitably be linked with 35, I have spent countless thousands of hours suspended inches above the highway moving at speeds of 0 to 90 miles per hour. I have seen every building, resturant, house and field along the interstate from San Antonio to Dallas-Fort Worth countless hundreds of times.
I guess there is no deep philosphical point to what I am saying, I am simply discussing the fact that something that is another inanimate object to one person, might be an importiant life symbol to others. Wherever I go in life, when I see an interstate sign with the number 35 on the front, I will be reminded of home, of friends and family, of the many countless memories I have accumulated in a life along a busy highway.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Authority
I hate authority, at least I have for a good part of my life. It is only recently that I have even seen this area as a problem. My inwardly rebellious attitude in many situations is only accentuated when I am placed under strong authority in any situation. It's a problem, I admit this now. There are many reasons, found in the Bible, to respect authority, from the 5th commandment (which I always secretly dispised) to Jesus' admonishment to "give to Caesar what is Caesar's"...meaning that we are not only to respect God, but Earthly authorities as well (except of course, in cases where honoring such authority would dishonor God, or in the case of tyranny (Oscar Shindler is a good example of an appropriate display of disobeying authority, in his case, the Nazi's by protecting Jews). But I digress, I take my dislike of authority and attempt to passive-agressively subvert it in a number of situations. Growing up, I only obeyed the rules in order to situationally benifit myself, not out of respect. Secertly, and sometimes not so secretly, I hated the rules and rulers that I was superfically submitting to.
But then there's this passage in Romans 13 that I really don't like...or at least, don't really want to hear at times.
1Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. 3For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. 4For he is God's servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God's servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. 5Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience. 6This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God's servants, who give their full time to governing. 7Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor. (Romans 13:1-7 NIV)
Yeah, um...well, um...I guess that sort of goes against the "f--- authority" mantra that I have always found to be so attractive. I often strive so hard to be an "independent free spirit" that I violate God's commandment to respect authority. That last part of verse one is the most crucial for me: "for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God". That means that the authority of George W. Bush, my parents, my boss(es), spiritual leaders (in church or at CRU) and others are ultimately ordained by God. At least, being someone who takes the commands of the Bible literally, I believe that is what it is saying. Tyrannical authority in my life (which I fortuntely experence infrequently) also comes from the soverign will of God...even if I don't like it. God will always work out his will (and work it out for the good of those who believe in him.
The answer that I am coming to is that I need to be more reluctant to embrace my rebellious impluses. I may hate it when people tell me what to do, but, if I can't learn to take orders and respect leaders, how can I respect God? I have often thought that I can seperate the two, and in some cases I have been successful in doing so but in others I have failed miserably and basically spat at God. I can write this out and make it sound good, make it sound as if I have come to a major spiritual breakthrough in my life, but I haven't. I am merely recognizing this as a huge problem in my life, one that I need to finally take the initiative to address. It will not become magically any easier for me to respect authority unless I learn to first respect the authority of God in my life.
- Jordan
But then there's this passage in Romans 13 that I really don't like...or at least, don't really want to hear at times.
1Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. 3For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. 4For he is God's servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God's servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. 5Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience. 6This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God's servants, who give their full time to governing. 7Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor. (Romans 13:1-7 NIV)
Yeah, um...well, um...I guess that sort of goes against the "f--- authority" mantra that I have always found to be so attractive. I often strive so hard to be an "independent free spirit" that I violate God's commandment to respect authority. That last part of verse one is the most crucial for me: "for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God". That means that the authority of George W. Bush, my parents, my boss(es), spiritual leaders (in church or at CRU) and others are ultimately ordained by God. At least, being someone who takes the commands of the Bible literally, I believe that is what it is saying. Tyrannical authority in my life (which I fortuntely experence infrequently) also comes from the soverign will of God...even if I don't like it. God will always work out his will (and work it out for the good of those who believe in him.
The answer that I am coming to is that I need to be more reluctant to embrace my rebellious impluses. I may hate it when people tell me what to do, but, if I can't learn to take orders and respect leaders, how can I respect God? I have often thought that I can seperate the two, and in some cases I have been successful in doing so but in others I have failed miserably and basically spat at God. I can write this out and make it sound good, make it sound as if I have come to a major spiritual breakthrough in my life, but I haven't. I am merely recognizing this as a huge problem in my life, one that I need to finally take the initiative to address. It will not become magically any easier for me to respect authority unless I learn to first respect the authority of God in my life.
- Jordan
You may not have heard it, but it rocks.
Some of you may know that I like music, certian music, often music that the typical person might not be familiar with.
That said, I would like to make a few recommendations of some of my favorite cds that are not well known to the general public. Of course, I listen to a lot of music that is more well known as well but you're already at least somewhat familar with that. I guess this is sort of a "best cds you haven't heard yet" list. Here's ten of them, in no particular order.
1) The December Drive - Handslikegunsandcrashingsounds: The band has a cliche name and a long title for their first album, but everything else about the band is amazing. They are from the obscure reaches of the Rio Grande Valley (McAllen). The album has ten tracks but clocks in at nearly an hour, every minute is a musical adventure. They mix intricate gutiar parts and rythums with emotion packed vocals. It is a very well put together album and they should receieve far more recognition for it, but that's how things work in the music industry sometimes.
2) American Football - American Football: The self-titled and one of only two releases (the other was a short three song EP) for Mike Kinsella's unfortuntely short lived project. Fantastic songwriting and beautiful gutiar melodies permeate the album. Each song takes on a form of it's own and blends into a mellow, yet strangely energetic musical tapestry. The climatic track of the album, "Honestly?", occurs early in the album, and it concludes with a dramatic four minute long breakdown, with leads into a softer set of songs which often have long intstrumental phases or, in the case of a couple of songs, no lyrics at all. The music is captivating and this is worth picking up as long as you have some patience for long mellow songs.
3) RX Bandits - Progress: The Bandits, from Seal Beach, California blend my favorite musical styles into a fresh and thoroughly enjoyable sound. In addition to being good musicians, their lyrics are full of thought and socially concious, the Bandits have a message but they convey it without the preachiness that flows from many "political bands". Progress is their best album to date, 14 songs that display originality and creativity. Their blend of styles ranging from ska and reggae to prog rock and some punk undertones is masterfully done and their songs have the ability to grow on the listener even after dozens of listens. I recommend that you check this album out, just be open minded, even I didn't like all of it at first, but I warmed up to it and it is now one of my all time favorites.
4) Streetlight Manifesto - Everything Goes Numb: If you like ska, then you will love this album. If you don't like ska, you might still like this album. By 3rd Wave ska standards it is a brilliant creation. Streetlight is the brainchild of former Catch 22 frontman Tomas Kalonky and they show themselves to be one of the best that the genre has ever produced. Tight and energetic live shows and well crafted songs that defy typical ska conventions.
5) Slowreader - Slowreader:
6) The Weakerthans - Reconstruction Site:
7) Slick Shoes - Far From Nowhere:
8) Mewithoutyou - Catch for Us the Foxes:
9) Dogwood - Seismic:
10) Lagwagon - Blaze:
That said, I would like to make a few recommendations of some of my favorite cds that are not well known to the general public. Of course, I listen to a lot of music that is more well known as well but you're already at least somewhat familar with that. I guess this is sort of a "best cds you haven't heard yet" list. Here's ten of them, in no particular order.
1) The December Drive - Handslikegunsandcrashingsounds: The band has a cliche name and a long title for their first album, but everything else about the band is amazing. They are from the obscure reaches of the Rio Grande Valley (McAllen). The album has ten tracks but clocks in at nearly an hour, every minute is a musical adventure. They mix intricate gutiar parts and rythums with emotion packed vocals. It is a very well put together album and they should receieve far more recognition for it, but that's how things work in the music industry sometimes.
2) American Football - American Football: The self-titled and one of only two releases (the other was a short three song EP) for Mike Kinsella's unfortuntely short lived project. Fantastic songwriting and beautiful gutiar melodies permeate the album. Each song takes on a form of it's own and blends into a mellow, yet strangely energetic musical tapestry. The climatic track of the album, "Honestly?", occurs early in the album, and it concludes with a dramatic four minute long breakdown, with leads into a softer set of songs which often have long intstrumental phases or, in the case of a couple of songs, no lyrics at all. The music is captivating and this is worth picking up as long as you have some patience for long mellow songs.
3) RX Bandits - Progress: The Bandits, from Seal Beach, California blend my favorite musical styles into a fresh and thoroughly enjoyable sound. In addition to being good musicians, their lyrics are full of thought and socially concious, the Bandits have a message but they convey it without the preachiness that flows from many "political bands". Progress is their best album to date, 14 songs that display originality and creativity. Their blend of styles ranging from ska and reggae to prog rock and some punk undertones is masterfully done and their songs have the ability to grow on the listener even after dozens of listens. I recommend that you check this album out, just be open minded, even I didn't like all of it at first, but I warmed up to it and it is now one of my all time favorites.
4) Streetlight Manifesto - Everything Goes Numb: If you like ska, then you will love this album. If you don't like ska, you might still like this album. By 3rd Wave ska standards it is a brilliant creation. Streetlight is the brainchild of former Catch 22 frontman Tomas Kalonky and they show themselves to be one of the best that the genre has ever produced. Tight and energetic live shows and well crafted songs that defy typical ska conventions.
5) Slowreader - Slowreader:
6) The Weakerthans - Reconstruction Site:
7) Slick Shoes - Far From Nowhere:
8) Mewithoutyou - Catch for Us the Foxes:
9) Dogwood - Seismic:
10) Lagwagon - Blaze:
Monday, January 10, 2005
Intelligence
4.0
That's my G.P.A. at Texas State University. I rarely mention it and avoid talking about the subject...often I even feel embarrased about it, like it makes me very different from my friends and somehow places me on a level where I cannot relate to them in an academic sense. I often think that people won't even want to discuss school related issues with me if they know what my G.P.A. is because they think that I look down on them or don't understand what it's like to struggle with school (both of which are untrue).
Speaking of love, and my self-image, there are many things about me that I dislike, more or less, even though they are not necessarily bad things, often they are positive traits. I often take a negitive view of my intelligence, trying to convince myself that I'm just average but I work really hard. Yes, I work hard at school, I work my butt off, but that dosen't change the fact that I have the ability to think on a level that is definitely not average.
My failure to accept who I am in this area is derivative of my general lack of love for myself, stemming from a lack of a pursuit of affection for God. School for most of my life was what I lived for because it was a means for acheiving what I thought was my purpose in life, being successful in a material and superfical sense. After finally becoming a Christian in 2002 that goal changed dramatically. And, while I still held on to some of my driven perfectionism, much of my life was remarkably more relaxed. I became much more concious of pride and selfishness in my life, and began to work towards thinking less of myself and more of others, something that God has really worked on greatly in my life. However, as a young christian, like a young driver, I overcompensated and quickly skidded in the other direction, begining to look at positive attributes as if they were antagoists to my relashonship with God and my spiritual life. Failing to see that God gave me certian skills for a reason, I began to dislike these areas and began to wish more and more that I was different, looking at skills (save your applause, and Napolean Dynamite references for the end please) that others possessed that I generally lack (athletic skills, opposite sex skills, mechanical skills, bowhunting skills...ok, sorry, I couldn't resist) and coveting them instead of being thankful for the skills that I have that God has given me in order to use me.
Thus, my intelligence became something that I not only downplayed, but disowned. People often tell me that I'm smart, I get it alot...and I always try to shift the subject because I do not have enough affection for who I am. I do not accept it. But, I realize that it is crucial that I do, because it is who I am and I can't change that. I can't just stop thinking, I can't be like the guy who slugs out his classes hoping to pass, or the guy who could get As if he wanted to but just doesn't work for them (it is rare to find the person, and this includes myself, who can get As with little or no effort on his part). I can't identify with that because that's not who I am. If people think I am a different form of life and not relatible because of my grades, intelligence or hard work then I just have to accept that and not run from it.
Even as I write this I am concious of sounding prideful...allthough this is actually a very humbling thing for me to discuss. I need to get over my reservations, which are untimately rooted in a lack of trust in God. I need to trust God.
So I'll say it, by human standards, I'm smart. I'm not hiding from the fact any more. I refuse to contenue to disown who God has made me to be.
- Jordan
That's my G.P.A. at Texas State University. I rarely mention it and avoid talking about the subject...often I even feel embarrased about it, like it makes me very different from my friends and somehow places me on a level where I cannot relate to them in an academic sense. I often think that people won't even want to discuss school related issues with me if they know what my G.P.A. is because they think that I look down on them or don't understand what it's like to struggle with school (both of which are untrue).
Speaking of love, and my self-image, there are many things about me that I dislike, more or less, even though they are not necessarily bad things, often they are positive traits. I often take a negitive view of my intelligence, trying to convince myself that I'm just average but I work really hard. Yes, I work hard at school, I work my butt off, but that dosen't change the fact that I have the ability to think on a level that is definitely not average.
My failure to accept who I am in this area is derivative of my general lack of love for myself, stemming from a lack of a pursuit of affection for God. School for most of my life was what I lived for because it was a means for acheiving what I thought was my purpose in life, being successful in a material and superfical sense. After finally becoming a Christian in 2002 that goal changed dramatically. And, while I still held on to some of my driven perfectionism, much of my life was remarkably more relaxed. I became much more concious of pride and selfishness in my life, and began to work towards thinking less of myself and more of others, something that God has really worked on greatly in my life. However, as a young christian, like a young driver, I overcompensated and quickly skidded in the other direction, begining to look at positive attributes as if they were antagoists to my relashonship with God and my spiritual life. Failing to see that God gave me certian skills for a reason, I began to dislike these areas and began to wish more and more that I was different, looking at skills (save your applause, and Napolean Dynamite references for the end please) that others possessed that I generally lack (athletic skills, opposite sex skills, mechanical skills, bowhunting skills...ok, sorry, I couldn't resist) and coveting them instead of being thankful for the skills that I have that God has given me in order to use me.
Thus, my intelligence became something that I not only downplayed, but disowned. People often tell me that I'm smart, I get it alot...and I always try to shift the subject because I do not have enough affection for who I am. I do not accept it. But, I realize that it is crucial that I do, because it is who I am and I can't change that. I can't just stop thinking, I can't be like the guy who slugs out his classes hoping to pass, or the guy who could get As if he wanted to but just doesn't work for them (it is rare to find the person, and this includes myself, who can get As with little or no effort on his part). I can't identify with that because that's not who I am. If people think I am a different form of life and not relatible because of my grades, intelligence or hard work then I just have to accept that and not run from it.
Even as I write this I am concious of sounding prideful...allthough this is actually a very humbling thing for me to discuss. I need to get over my reservations, which are untimately rooted in a lack of trust in God. I need to trust God.
So I'll say it, by human standards, I'm smart. I'm not hiding from the fact any more. I refuse to contenue to disown who God has made me to be.
- Jordan
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Love Pt. 2
If you scroll back a few entries you will find a, for the most part, confused and disjoined entry on the topic of love. Well, I have learned a lot in the past week that has offered some explination for my issues reguarding love, particularly genuine and unconditional love.
Am I any less frustrated and confused about love now? Not really, but I think I am on the road to finally understanding some things about the subject. At DWC I came to some tentative conclusions based on things I learned from the speakers, as well as my friends that I got to talk to at length about the subject.
Ultimately, my struggle with love, particularly unconditional love, is rooted in my lack of love for myself and the person that God has created me to be. I do not often love myself, I am very critical of myself, very very hard on myself, there are certian things about my person or my character that I downright hate, not because they are all problems, but because I see the imperfections, and, being a perfectionist by nature, I wish to change them but to my utter consternation I cannot.
Of course, as my friend Sean pointed out, the topic of loving oneself can, on the surface, be thought of by many people in a very negitive way. Thus it's important to distingush that I am not talking about an egotistical or false love for myself, but simply a love that grows out of God's love and acceptance for me in spite of all that I do wrong and all of my sinful imperfections. If we do not love God, then we do not love ourselves (and thus struggle with a negitive self-image and insecurities that keep us from growing spiritually and emotionally), and if we do not love God, and ourselves, then we will be hard pressed to love others because we don't have that pool of love inside of us to draw from.
Think of the cycle that leads to the formation of a thunderstorm. In this example, we are represented by dry lakes, evaporated by the sin in our lives. The only way for our personal lake to be filled is water from God, we often attempt to fill our own lakes though our own means, a list of things we need to accomplish, good works, doing good deeds for others out of untimately selfish ambishion, but we cannot keep up with the evaporated forces of sin and our own fallen humanity. water represents love in this case. Our faith, trust, and desire to know God is like moisture on a hot day that rises and forms clouds. These clouds, though the love and grace of God (which in this case is represented by the atmospheric instability that allows storms to devlop, grow and become towering masses filled with tons of water, which represents the infinite amount of love that God has to bestow on us. This water pours out of the clouds in a torrential fashion, filling our lakes to the brim. The finite borders of my lake can only hold so much water until it is completely saturated. This water has no where to go but overflow and fill up the other lakes around us. This, in this way, we recieve an amazing amount of love from God and then it overflows and manifests itself in selfless love for others. The more that we recieve from God, the more we will pour it into the lives of others. If we are not searching after God and seeking to serve him, if we try to fill our lakes with sin or superfical good works, then we will not have the moisture necessary to ignite the downpour of divine love that we so desperately need to have in order to genuinely love others.
It is importiant here to have a visual picture of what I am saying or it may not click. I know that I think more visually than most people do, but still I am hopeful that the picture, and the point that goes along with it, makes sense to you. It is importiant to note that the closer we are in fellowship, the more likely we are to recieve love from each other, just as two lake that are located near each other are more likely to pour into each other when they expand in a heavy rain. If a group of people, or lakes, is actively seeking to grow closer to God together, then they are unquestionably going to be saturated with love for one another. This is really helping me visualize what I have been trying to figure out. I will probably use this example in the future and I am hopeful that I will contenue to learn not only how to love, but how to learn to experence love in a new way.
- Jordan
Am I any less frustrated and confused about love now? Not really, but I think I am on the road to finally understanding some things about the subject. At DWC I came to some tentative conclusions based on things I learned from the speakers, as well as my friends that I got to talk to at length about the subject.
Ultimately, my struggle with love, particularly unconditional love, is rooted in my lack of love for myself and the person that God has created me to be. I do not often love myself, I am very critical of myself, very very hard on myself, there are certian things about my person or my character that I downright hate, not because they are all problems, but because I see the imperfections, and, being a perfectionist by nature, I wish to change them but to my utter consternation I cannot.
Of course, as my friend Sean pointed out, the topic of loving oneself can, on the surface, be thought of by many people in a very negitive way. Thus it's important to distingush that I am not talking about an egotistical or false love for myself, but simply a love that grows out of God's love and acceptance for me in spite of all that I do wrong and all of my sinful imperfections. If we do not love God, then we do not love ourselves (and thus struggle with a negitive self-image and insecurities that keep us from growing spiritually and emotionally), and if we do not love God, and ourselves, then we will be hard pressed to love others because we don't have that pool of love inside of us to draw from.
Think of the cycle that leads to the formation of a thunderstorm. In this example, we are represented by dry lakes, evaporated by the sin in our lives. The only way for our personal lake to be filled is water from God, we often attempt to fill our own lakes though our own means, a list of things we need to accomplish, good works, doing good deeds for others out of untimately selfish ambishion, but we cannot keep up with the evaporated forces of sin and our own fallen humanity. water represents love in this case. Our faith, trust, and desire to know God is like moisture on a hot day that rises and forms clouds. These clouds, though the love and grace of God (which in this case is represented by the atmospheric instability that allows storms to devlop, grow and become towering masses filled with tons of water, which represents the infinite amount of love that God has to bestow on us. This water pours out of the clouds in a torrential fashion, filling our lakes to the brim. The finite borders of my lake can only hold so much water until it is completely saturated. This water has no where to go but overflow and fill up the other lakes around us. This, in this way, we recieve an amazing amount of love from God and then it overflows and manifests itself in selfless love for others. The more that we recieve from God, the more we will pour it into the lives of others. If we are not searching after God and seeking to serve him, if we try to fill our lakes with sin or superfical good works, then we will not have the moisture necessary to ignite the downpour of divine love that we so desperately need to have in order to genuinely love others.
It is importiant here to have a visual picture of what I am saying or it may not click. I know that I think more visually than most people do, but still I am hopeful that the picture, and the point that goes along with it, makes sense to you. It is importiant to note that the closer we are in fellowship, the more likely we are to recieve love from each other, just as two lake that are located near each other are more likely to pour into each other when they expand in a heavy rain. If a group of people, or lakes, is actively seeking to grow closer to God together, then they are unquestionably going to be saturated with love for one another. This is really helping me visualize what I have been trying to figure out. I will probably use this example in the future and I am hopeful that I will contenue to learn not only how to love, but how to learn to experence love in a new way.
- Jordan
Initiative
I lack initative...so much so that I just had to go ask someone how to spell it (and I'm usually pretty good at spelling things). This is one of the most and difficult things that I learned about myself at DWC. I mean, it was an obvious answer to the many things that I have been struggling and dealing with over the past years.
While I lack initative in general, I espeically struggle with iniatiting with people. As much as I love hanging out with people and just talking to anyone and everyone, I often struggle with approaching them. This manifests itself in social insecurity, one that is nearly paralyzing when it comes to initative evangelism, or even interviewing people for journalism classes, or having to ask people for favors, or money, or anything. It causes me so much unnesscary struggle and holds me back in a major way. If I want to go on a summer project, I will have to raise the money for it, and if I have to raise the money for it, then I will have to ask people, and that, as of now, is a very difficult thing for me.
I often wonder if I am too sensitive towards other people and what they are thinking, I think I am. I want to just be "nice" to people, and I often take this to extremes. I don't like bothering people. I don't like invading their space, not because I am an introvert, for the most part I'm not, but I'm simply afraid of them thinking poorly of me because I am bothering them. This is espeically a hindrence when it comes to outreach. I don't like when mormons or JWs solicit me, or when people try to sell me things, or in general when they bother me with I don't want to be bothered, so I assume that outreach targets (note the negitive words that I often associate with it) feel the same way and, trying to be "nice", I want to avoid putting them out. Thus, I avoid "confrontational evangelism", or selling things, or sometimes asking big favors of people like the plague.
But this is not what we are called to be. We are not called to be passive "nice guys" who sit around in our little circles and never "bother" people. We are called to initate. Jesus commanded us to do so. We cannot fullfill the great commision by just sitting around and being "nice" to people and not bothering to tell them of the truth that has meant so much to our lives, but they perhaps have not even heard of. Yet being initative is something that I am so far from being strong in. My lack of initative doesn't just affect my performance in school, or in relashonships, it affects my ability to fulfill my role on Earth as an initator for the Kingdom of God. With this paragraph in mind you can see that this issue is cause for a considerable amount of personal angst. I would love to just flip a switch and suddently have no reservations and become Mr. Initative but I can't...I don't have such a switch. All I have is this pervasive weakness that I am only just now taking steps to even acknowledge.
I don't know where this acknowledgement will go, or how I will act on it, but I believe that just the realization of this is a breakthrough for me, it explains so much about my weaknesses. I am hopeful that this will change me...that God will grow me in this area and give me boldness in approaching people. Perhaps, mabye, I will finally learn that not only is it not inappropriate to approach people with a request, or to share, but that it is often inappropriate not to.
Take it easy,
- Jordan
While I lack initative in general, I espeically struggle with iniatiting with people. As much as I love hanging out with people and just talking to anyone and everyone, I often struggle with approaching them. This manifests itself in social insecurity, one that is nearly paralyzing when it comes to initative evangelism, or even interviewing people for journalism classes, or having to ask people for favors, or money, or anything. It causes me so much unnesscary struggle and holds me back in a major way. If I want to go on a summer project, I will have to raise the money for it, and if I have to raise the money for it, then I will have to ask people, and that, as of now, is a very difficult thing for me.
I often wonder if I am too sensitive towards other people and what they are thinking, I think I am. I want to just be "nice" to people, and I often take this to extremes. I don't like bothering people. I don't like invading their space, not because I am an introvert, for the most part I'm not, but I'm simply afraid of them thinking poorly of me because I am bothering them. This is espeically a hindrence when it comes to outreach. I don't like when mormons or JWs solicit me, or when people try to sell me things, or in general when they bother me with I don't want to be bothered, so I assume that outreach targets (note the negitive words that I often associate with it) feel the same way and, trying to be "nice", I want to avoid putting them out. Thus, I avoid "confrontational evangelism", or selling things, or sometimes asking big favors of people like the plague.
But this is not what we are called to be. We are not called to be passive "nice guys" who sit around in our little circles and never "bother" people. We are called to initate. Jesus commanded us to do so. We cannot fullfill the great commision by just sitting around and being "nice" to people and not bothering to tell them of the truth that has meant so much to our lives, but they perhaps have not even heard of. Yet being initative is something that I am so far from being strong in. My lack of initative doesn't just affect my performance in school, or in relashonships, it affects my ability to fulfill my role on Earth as an initator for the Kingdom of God. With this paragraph in mind you can see that this issue is cause for a considerable amount of personal angst. I would love to just flip a switch and suddently have no reservations and become Mr. Initative but I can't...I don't have such a switch. All I have is this pervasive weakness that I am only just now taking steps to even acknowledge.
I don't know where this acknowledgement will go, or how I will act on it, but I believe that just the realization of this is a breakthrough for me, it explains so much about my weaknesses. I am hopeful that this will change me...that God will grow me in this area and give me boldness in approaching people. Perhaps, mabye, I will finally learn that not only is it not inappropriate to approach people with a request, or to share, but that it is often inappropriate not to.
Take it easy,
- Jordan
Rock And Roll McDonald's at Dallas Winter Conference
I spent the past week in Dallas at the Campus Crusade Dallas Winter Conference. I was blessed to go because money for a while was a problem but things pulled together in the end so I made the trip and spent six great days learning about God and myself along with 65 other Texas State students and hundreds of other students from other schools.
This is the point where I would normally spend a few paragraphs describing the conference, but my friend Sean has already done a good job of that in his blog ( http://seanraybuck.blogspot.com/ ) so thankfully I can just jump right into my thoughts and what I'm learning.
I have heard the term "Spiritual high" thrown around to describe the week. For most people, I'm sure that was the case. It was a good time and just a very positive experence. For myself though, it was also a very turbulent time spiritually and emotionally. I was a mess inside, dealing with a lot of the messes that I have built up over a lifetime of sinfulness and selfishness. My years before I became a christian were definitely not a joy ride and I still struggle with many of the after effects of the person that I once was (but no longer am, thanks to God).
I went to the Conference hoping that I would find answers to the questions that plague me. Instead, I was met with more questions...more things that I haven't even considered. In fact, the theme of the conference, "consider this", really pins down the point that I have reached. I have so many things to consider that it is overwhelming. With all of this to deal with, I didn't find the term "spiritual high" to be an accurate description of my time there. It was one of the best weeks of my life in a lot of ways, but it was also one of my worst in others. I am encouraged that I saw signs of growth and potential growth, but it was still painful at times. Dealing with years of problems in one week was (and still is) tough. I reached a state of spiritual shock near the end of the conference that I'm still reacting to. The problems that plague my thought pattern, critical and negitive thoughts, ignorance of God, selfishness, self-pity and others hit me hard thoughout the conference. I ended up having to have difficult conversations with God, difficult conversations with myself, and difficult conversations with friends about a host of issues that I did not enjoy dealing with.
I will deal with those issues here, at least the importiant ones, because I need to organize and articulate my thoughts on them, otherwise the importiant things that I need to learn will be lost amid a plethora of pointless thoughts.
Hopefully I did mention already that it was a good time overall and one of the most memorable weeks of my life. I got to know so many of my friends in a better way, I was encouraged in a lot of ways, I broke out of my shell in a lot of ways. And, ultimately, God broke open the hard shell around my hard heart that I've worked so hard to self-destructivley build to keep Him, and the people in my life, out. Both Matt Chandler and Rick James were excellent speakers, and the "men's time" was not only very positive, but left all of the guys with enough inside jokes to last for at least a semester.
Some thanks are in order: Thanks to Morgan for driving me up there and back and being a cool guy, thanks to Derek for being really encouraging when I needed it, thanks to Sam, Coal and Sam for being tight roommates and easy to get along with and get to know, thanks to Paul Wheatley for learning the dance from Napolean Dynamite, that was a spiritual experence in itself, thanks to everyone on Staff for helping me make it to the conference, Luna for inviting me to the show and being really accepting, thanks to all of the girls (the 331 crew and others) for being really cool and fun to hang out with, everyone in 839 (Sean, Derek, Colin, Ethan) for hanging out, Sean for being a good friend and talking though some difficult stuff with me and not just telling me what I wanted to hear...and everyone else who made it if you're not mentioned here it is merely because my fingers are really tired you were all just an amazing group to be a part of.
- Jordan
This is the point where I would normally spend a few paragraphs describing the conference, but my friend Sean has already done a good job of that in his blog ( http://seanraybuck.blogspot.com/ ) so thankfully I can just jump right into my thoughts and what I'm learning.
I have heard the term "Spiritual high" thrown around to describe the week. For most people, I'm sure that was the case. It was a good time and just a very positive experence. For myself though, it was also a very turbulent time spiritually and emotionally. I was a mess inside, dealing with a lot of the messes that I have built up over a lifetime of sinfulness and selfishness. My years before I became a christian were definitely not a joy ride and I still struggle with many of the after effects of the person that I once was (but no longer am, thanks to God).
I went to the Conference hoping that I would find answers to the questions that plague me. Instead, I was met with more questions...more things that I haven't even considered. In fact, the theme of the conference, "consider this", really pins down the point that I have reached. I have so many things to consider that it is overwhelming. With all of this to deal with, I didn't find the term "spiritual high" to be an accurate description of my time there. It was one of the best weeks of my life in a lot of ways, but it was also one of my worst in others. I am encouraged that I saw signs of growth and potential growth, but it was still painful at times. Dealing with years of problems in one week was (and still is) tough. I reached a state of spiritual shock near the end of the conference that I'm still reacting to. The problems that plague my thought pattern, critical and negitive thoughts, ignorance of God, selfishness, self-pity and others hit me hard thoughout the conference. I ended up having to have difficult conversations with God, difficult conversations with myself, and difficult conversations with friends about a host of issues that I did not enjoy dealing with.
I will deal with those issues here, at least the importiant ones, because I need to organize and articulate my thoughts on them, otherwise the importiant things that I need to learn will be lost amid a plethora of pointless thoughts.
Hopefully I did mention already that it was a good time overall and one of the most memorable weeks of my life. I got to know so many of my friends in a better way, I was encouraged in a lot of ways, I broke out of my shell in a lot of ways. And, ultimately, God broke open the hard shell around my hard heart that I've worked so hard to self-destructivley build to keep Him, and the people in my life, out. Both Matt Chandler and Rick James were excellent speakers, and the "men's time" was not only very positive, but left all of the guys with enough inside jokes to last for at least a semester.
Some thanks are in order: Thanks to Morgan for driving me up there and back and being a cool guy, thanks to Derek for being really encouraging when I needed it, thanks to Sam, Coal and Sam for being tight roommates and easy to get along with and get to know, thanks to Paul Wheatley for learning the dance from Napolean Dynamite, that was a spiritual experence in itself, thanks to everyone on Staff for helping me make it to the conference, Luna for inviting me to the show and being really accepting, thanks to all of the girls (the 331 crew and others) for being really cool and fun to hang out with, everyone in 839 (Sean, Derek, Colin, Ethan) for hanging out, Sean for being a good friend and talking though some difficult stuff with me and not just telling me what I wanted to hear...and everyone else who made it if you're not mentioned here it is merely because my fingers are really tired you were all just an amazing group to be a part of.
- Jordan
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