BYYAAAHHHH!!!!!

Yes, the title is a reference to Howard Dean.

Hey everyone. I'm sitting in a computer lab. The computers are not being my friends. They never are though. That's okay though, it just means I'll have to take more time away from people later this semester in order to do the stuff that I'm not able to do tonight.

It's a quiet night in San Marcos, and getting colder (it was in the 80's today, which was great). I hope people are up to stuff later. My life is so strange, it's like I am half-asleep all of the time. And when I'm asleep I have these vivid dreams that make me feel as if I'm half awake. This basically is leading me to feel as if my life is one long dream with pros and cons. I don't know if that's the best thing. It makes me more numb to negatives, which is good in the near-term...but it also means I am less in touch with "reality" and the needs of those around me as well as people I don't know. It's not necessarily a breeding ground for spiritual activity either. I think I have begun to run from my feelings, emotions, problems and things that I might need to face by not running at all, but retreating into some kind of weird NON-drug induced haze. Individual days don't even seem to exist anymore. Time is just blurring. My days are running together and all of my thoughts, experiences and interactions seem to be tangled. Is this good?

Still, I can hold onto the following:

1. I am imperfect, but I'm not held to a standard of perfection
2. I can be less hard on myself and that is okay
3. I have amazing friends
4. Love exists, even if I am constantly on the outside of it...and at a loss to explain why
5. I can't stop thinking about Zlam Dunk
6. I live in a region, city, neighborhood and apartment that is the best situation I could imagine for myself at this point in my life.
7. Clarity by Jimmy Eat World will always be one of the greatest albums ever.
8. No matter how I feel in a given moment, it is not an eternity, and I won't feel that way forever
9. I am never justified to feel worried about anything
10. I need to get a handle on a seemingly inescapable cycle of self-doubt and self-loathing.
11. I need to find the money to finally buy a drum set, otherwise I will never get to play drums...even though I can.
12. I see more truth in a sunset than I have ever seen in any other person I have met...or myself.

I don't write a lot because I am way too vulnerably honest when I do. If I could write songs on guitar, I would just do that...and write them about people with other names, even though I would really be writing them about myself.

I'm looking way forward to the holidays. And winter road trips.