The Begining of a Marathon

6/27/05

After what was easily the longest day on the project, I worked to repair any bridges that I had damaged. My progressively (regressive) negative attitude on Saturday made me a very undesirable person to be around. Mike admitted to me that he didn’t want to hang out with me if that was going to continue to be the case. I was somewhat depressed by this but it made me realize (something that I was beginning to be aware of) is the cause of conflict and frustration in my case is usually internal and something that I have to deal with myself. I was ready (and had already been) to start pointing fingers and blaming everyone else on the project (including Mike, unjustifiably so) for me feeling slighted and not respected. Perhaps the problem has not been others, but my own pride…and arrogance…which was a label I was starting to attach to others in my mind. God I suck still in a lot of areas and as much as I want to be a likeable person (and I believe that I generally am) I still have some areas to strive for…of course I am not seeking for the praises of men…well, I am, but that should not be my goal. My goal should be working for the glory of the God and Savior that has completely and comprehensively transformed my life. But I often feel unmotivated and lazy spiritually…I often feel dead and lifeless. I won’t get into the details of Saturday (driving around L.A. with Mike, Crystal, and until I needed to take her home because she was feeling really bad, Jacklyn) and the Staff Hunt debacle. I will just admit that my attitude was a rapid downward spiral. Mike doesn’t really know me, the rest of the guys don’t know me yet either, what am I to expect them to think of me if I act so childish. Even if I can find and pick out flaws in them, that does not validate my behavior. Sunday ended a very intense and comprehensive orientation week. Now we were on our way to our respective ministry sites.