Wed...normal day, again. I was pretty tired but otherwise nothing unusual...actually, being tired isin't unusual either. I went to class, worked the crew for the "Bobcat Beat" newscast at Texas State (which went off smoothly even though it was our first time)...went to 242 Group...then it got a little weird. Mike and I went back to Austin right afterward (instead of the usual trip to Commons for dinner) to meet our friend Sarah and a friend of hers. We got some food and went to Mozart's, expecting to meet up with Mike Hagen, Stephanie Jiminez and some random people. I called Mike about 8:30, he said he was on his way he just had to walk to his car. I called him back at 8:45...he hadn't found his car...again at 9:00...still no car...15 minutes later he called and said he was pretty sure it had been stolen. And it was...freakin stolen, right off of the UT campus. I was pretty mad about it, and so was Mike of course. Freakin crap, that was his car...no car I knew could be more identified with it's owner than Mike's SI. Oh well, it's gone and his insurance is going to take care if it, but it's still a definite bummer.
We still got to hang out because Mike wanted to. We went downtown but decided to go back to near UT and we ended up chilling with at the Spider House (a coffee shop near the Drag) for a long time. It was Mike H, Mike C., Stephanie J., this girl Candace and a couple of her friends (they're from A&M). I had a lot of fun at the expense of their school and in Mike's words "stole the show" with my wacky attention grabbing antics. Yeah, I was full of crap but had them all laughing. I was also really tired but aside from that, the car theft thing, and the sheer weirdness, it was an allright night.
Thursday was weird because I worked, instead of going to CRU, which is what I usually do, that threw my entire time frame off.
Friday I watched Dan Reiter, Matt Luna, and J.P. plunge into the San Marcos River in 45 degree weather while riding an H.E.B. shopping cart. Safe to say, that was weird.
- Jordan
Monday, February 28, 2005
Friday, February 25, 2005
Knights of Columbus! This Week has been Freakin' Weird
I used to write about personal experences more in my old journal...I've gotten away from that lately but this week is too interesting not to write about.
A breif chronicle of one of the strangest weeks that I have experenced in a long freakin time:
Monday - No class in the morning, so I drove to school in the afternoon which was nice, to say the least. The day was pretty typical for a few hours, I worked on stuff, went to class, went to work. It was upon my arrival for work at Mozart's that things got weird. It was Heather (a cool shift leader). I was walking to clock in when Heather said: "ok Jordan, here's what's going on, we're closing the store (first time in six years that Mozart's has had to involuntarily close)...there was no one in the building and a couple dozen people on the deck who seemed almost as confused as I was. The confusion was probably brought on by the cloud of freon gas that had filled the front part of the store about twenty minutes earlier. Apparently the compressor for the bakery case essentially blew up, and a white cloud of gas filled the area, enveloping Heather...weird...it was her last night and she gets a cloud of freon in the face. A minute later the store was evacuated and my boss was on top of things. We waited outside for over an hour for the stuff to clear out (both Heather and my boss were really dizzy)...it would have probably been safe to reopen the store but in the interest of being safe we didn't...good thing. We got to chill out on the deck telling people that we were closed. I was pleasantly suprised at some of the reactions of people when they found out we were closed (ranging from genuine consternation to yelps of angish)...Mozart's is a very popular and well-loved place. We had a good conversation about that (my boss is a really cool guy)...I'll probably write about Mozart's itself, and mabye even my boss, in a future post. But yea, not an ordinary day at Mozart's and the first day in a weird week.
Tuesday - I ran...weird enough, but it was the distance, and where I ran which was really messed up. Tuesday had, once again, been fairly normal (apparently the weirdness likes to wait until around sunset to kick in), I got home from school. Mike went to work. I decided to take another attempt at jogging, where, as Ron Burgandy pointed out, you just run, for extended periods of time. I downed some gatorade and drove to the Congress Avenue Bridge (parking in the Statesman parking lot). I took off running down the town lake trail hoping that mabye, for the first time ever, I could run three miles without stopping. I ran along, managing to control my pace and breathing I made good progress as I admired all of the other people out trying to add an element of fitness to their lives, or at the very least enjoying the twilight hour in the beautiful city of Austin. Then it got weird...I crossed over the pedistrian bridge and was almost to Mopac when I realized that I still had alot left in the tank. So I kept running...I made it up a hill past Mopac and I realized that if I made it all the way to Mozart's I would have run around five miles...a seemingly impossible feat (but not so impossible...I just lack confidence in my physical abilities)...I had around two miles to go down Lake Austin Blvd...a long and fairly straght street that made the distance longer. I pushed and pushed myself and made it to the traffic light at Redbud Trail...just a few blocks more...I could do it...and I did...disproving myself. I love disproving myself...I was generally proud of myself. For me, running five miles is an olympian feat for me. I stumbled onto the deck at Mozart's...much to the suprise of my co-workers Becky and Matt who were sitting at a table. "I just ran here...*heavy breathing*... from the Congress Avenue Bridge...*more heavy breathing*..." I blurted...then I spent the next 30 minutes just walking around and doing some much deserved panting. Running to Mozart's was a surreal experence...it's out of the way, a place I could never image running to.
To be contenued...
A breif chronicle of one of the strangest weeks that I have experenced in a long freakin time:
Monday - No class in the morning, so I drove to school in the afternoon which was nice, to say the least. The day was pretty typical for a few hours, I worked on stuff, went to class, went to work. It was upon my arrival for work at Mozart's that things got weird. It was Heather (a cool shift leader). I was walking to clock in when Heather said: "ok Jordan, here's what's going on, we're closing the store (first time in six years that Mozart's has had to involuntarily close)...there was no one in the building and a couple dozen people on the deck who seemed almost as confused as I was. The confusion was probably brought on by the cloud of freon gas that had filled the front part of the store about twenty minutes earlier. Apparently the compressor for the bakery case essentially blew up, and a white cloud of gas filled the area, enveloping Heather...weird...it was her last night and she gets a cloud of freon in the face. A minute later the store was evacuated and my boss was on top of things. We waited outside for over an hour for the stuff to clear out (both Heather and my boss were really dizzy)...it would have probably been safe to reopen the store but in the interest of being safe we didn't...good thing. We got to chill out on the deck telling people that we were closed. I was pleasantly suprised at some of the reactions of people when they found out we were closed (ranging from genuine consternation to yelps of angish)...Mozart's is a very popular and well-loved place. We had a good conversation about that (my boss is a really cool guy)...I'll probably write about Mozart's itself, and mabye even my boss, in a future post. But yea, not an ordinary day at Mozart's and the first day in a weird week.
Tuesday - I ran...weird enough, but it was the distance, and where I ran which was really messed up. Tuesday had, once again, been fairly normal (apparently the weirdness likes to wait until around sunset to kick in), I got home from school. Mike went to work. I decided to take another attempt at jogging, where, as Ron Burgandy pointed out, you just run, for extended periods of time. I downed some gatorade and drove to the Congress Avenue Bridge (parking in the Statesman parking lot). I took off running down the town lake trail hoping that mabye, for the first time ever, I could run three miles without stopping. I ran along, managing to control my pace and breathing I made good progress as I admired all of the other people out trying to add an element of fitness to their lives, or at the very least enjoying the twilight hour in the beautiful city of Austin. Then it got weird...I crossed over the pedistrian bridge and was almost to Mopac when I realized that I still had alot left in the tank. So I kept running...I made it up a hill past Mopac and I realized that if I made it all the way to Mozart's I would have run around five miles...a seemingly impossible feat (but not so impossible...I just lack confidence in my physical abilities)...I had around two miles to go down Lake Austin Blvd...a long and fairly straght street that made the distance longer. I pushed and pushed myself and made it to the traffic light at Redbud Trail...just a few blocks more...I could do it...and I did...disproving myself. I love disproving myself...I was generally proud of myself. For me, running five miles is an olympian feat for me. I stumbled onto the deck at Mozart's...much to the suprise of my co-workers Becky and Matt who were sitting at a table. "I just ran here...*heavy breathing*... from the Congress Avenue Bridge...*more heavy breathing*..." I blurted...then I spent the next 30 minutes just walking around and doing some much deserved panting. Running to Mozart's was a surreal experence...it's out of the way, a place I could never image running to.
To be contenued...
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Dear God What a Tangled Web we Weave
I just sent the following letter to the Univeristy Star in response to the unfortunte example of (not) Christ's message that was presented at Texas State last week. I'll have more to say about Jed Smock and his kind later, but for now look over my letter and respond with any comments. I had a lot that I wanted to say, but was limited to 300 works.
Thanks,
- Jordan
---
This past week, many Christians, including myself, had to defend our beliefs from a man who spread a perverted message of hate while claiming to represent Jesus Christ.
The image that the “reverend” Jed Smock presented was not of Jesus Christ, but of a hateful, judgmental and bitter man who has apparently ignored Christ’s message for the sake of his ego. Many at Texas State are already distrustful of the Biblical message. Jed Smock only serves to add to the confusion of people searching for truth, and increase that distrust. Christ invoked a message of love for humankind, regardless of any variables, giving the command: “love your neighbor as yourself”. Christians are supposed to follow Christ’s example of love above all else. During his ministry, Jesus reserved the vast majority of his harsh words not for the people that are most likely perceived as “sinners”, but for the religious elite, the Pharisees, who claimed to be morally perfect, just as Smock does. They are the people who received the brunt of Christ’s judgment. Smock professes that he is a morally perfect person. This is not possible according to the Bible, which teaches that “all sin and fall short of the Glory of God”. Romans chapter 3 says: “there is no one righteous, not even one”. It is though faith and God’s grace, not by works or actions, Mr. Smock, that we are saved. Only God is without sin. By claiming to be sinless, Smock is not only being un-biblical, he’s being outright blasphemous by claiming moral equality with God.
I can only hope that students will see past Smock’s self-righteous display, and that their perception of God (whether they believe in God as real, or merely a man-made concept) will not be shaped by such a un-Christ-like person.
- Jordan
Thanks,
- Jordan
---
This past week, many Christians, including myself, had to defend our beliefs from a man who spread a perverted message of hate while claiming to represent Jesus Christ.
The image that the “reverend” Jed Smock presented was not of Jesus Christ, but of a hateful, judgmental and bitter man who has apparently ignored Christ’s message for the sake of his ego. Many at Texas State are already distrustful of the Biblical message. Jed Smock only serves to add to the confusion of people searching for truth, and increase that distrust. Christ invoked a message of love for humankind, regardless of any variables, giving the command: “love your neighbor as yourself”. Christians are supposed to follow Christ’s example of love above all else. During his ministry, Jesus reserved the vast majority of his harsh words not for the people that are most likely perceived as “sinners”, but for the religious elite, the Pharisees, who claimed to be morally perfect, just as Smock does. They are the people who received the brunt of Christ’s judgment. Smock professes that he is a morally perfect person. This is not possible according to the Bible, which teaches that “all sin and fall short of the Glory of God”. Romans chapter 3 says: “there is no one righteous, not even one”. It is though faith and God’s grace, not by works or actions, Mr. Smock, that we are saved. Only God is without sin. By claiming to be sinless, Smock is not only being un-biblical, he’s being outright blasphemous by claiming moral equality with God.
I can only hope that students will see past Smock’s self-righteous display, and that their perception of God (whether they believe in God as real, or merely a man-made concept) will not be shaped by such a un-Christ-like person.
- Jordan
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Let's Get Physical Pt. 2
I took my own advice and went for an 11 p.m. run around my mostly commercial South Austin neighborhood. I started by running around my apartment complex once (1.1 miles, I live in a huge Complex), and then over to 35, up to Stassney, and back to my building (or, around the neighborhood for those of you who have never been to my place, another 1.4 miles). 2.5 miles isin't bad I guess, it proves that I can't use being out of shape as an excuse. I got a bad stitch in my side that kept me from going farther...I'm sure the Dr. Pepper I downed at 10 p.m. had something to do with that. I need to work on my pre run routine.
It's boring, but it's my life.
- Jordan
It's boring, but it's my life.
- Jordan
So Sick and Tired of these Pictures of Me
I'm trying to figure out how to post pictures on my blog. The picture icon doesn't work for me. If anyone (*cough*...Michael Rice...*cough*) can share their knowledge with me I would appreicate it.:)
Americans Have Too Much Money and Misplaced Priorities
Americans spend $34 billion a year on their dogs.
I guess Bush asking for $87 billion to fund rebuilding and military efforts in Iraq dosen't sound so bad in comparison.
Well, anyway this isin't about politics, it's about...well...the question of "why?" People always ask how many people could be fed with the money spent military operations. Where are the people asking people to spend their billions on feeding the poor instead of giving their dogs a lifestyle that a vast majority of the world's human population doesn't have a chance at.
Yes, "animal people" really get under my skin. The story in the link explains why. If you don't think there is something wrong with that...then, man. I dunno. Many people will protest the way the Government spends a lot of money on the Military, but they won't take the iniative in their own lives with their own pocketbooks to make a differece.
"Tiger travels with her everywhere and has inspired Travels with Tiger, her business in high-end luxury goods for dogs, including a $5,700 green crocodile leather travel bag, sold at Bergdorf Goodman on Fifth Avenue in New York. You can buy the matching human purse, too. “It's like playing grown-up Barbie dolls,” she says of the little sweaters with fur trim ($295) and other clothes for dogs that she features."
How ironic, some animal died to make fur trim and $5,700 bag.
"Owners are spending tens of thousands of dollars on their dog's veterinary care, too, including kidney transplants and MRIs.
“We've seen invoices that run from $10,000 to $30,000 to treat a variety of conditions,” says Peter Weinstein, medical director for Veterinary Pet Insurance in Brea, Calif. The company has sold more than 360,000 pet insurance policies, vs. 157,000 in 2000. And about 1,100 U.S. companies offer VPI's pet insurance as an employee benefit".
40 million or so Americans do not have health insurance. Oh well. Life isin't fair. I guess that's the way it's going to be. I guess. Because people are that out of it.
- Jordan
I guess Bush asking for $87 billion to fund rebuilding and military efforts in Iraq dosen't sound so bad in comparison.
Well, anyway this isin't about politics, it's about...well...the question of "why?" People always ask how many people could be fed with the money spent military operations. Where are the people asking people to spend their billions on feeding the poor instead of giving their dogs a lifestyle that a vast majority of the world's human population doesn't have a chance at.
Yes, "animal people" really get under my skin. The story in the link explains why. If you don't think there is something wrong with that...then, man. I dunno. Many people will protest the way the Government spends a lot of money on the Military, but they won't take the iniative in their own lives with their own pocketbooks to make a differece.
"Tiger travels with her everywhere and has inspired Travels with Tiger, her business in high-end luxury goods for dogs, including a $5,700 green crocodile leather travel bag, sold at Bergdorf Goodman on Fifth Avenue in New York. You can buy the matching human purse, too. “It's like playing grown-up Barbie dolls,” she says of the little sweaters with fur trim ($295) and other clothes for dogs that she features."
How ironic, some animal died to make fur trim and $5,700 bag.
"Owners are spending tens of thousands of dollars on their dog's veterinary care, too, including kidney transplants and MRIs.
“We've seen invoices that run from $10,000 to $30,000 to treat a variety of conditions,” says Peter Weinstein, medical director for Veterinary Pet Insurance in Brea, Calif. The company has sold more than 360,000 pet insurance policies, vs. 157,000 in 2000. And about 1,100 U.S. companies offer VPI's pet insurance as an employee benefit".
40 million or so Americans do not have health insurance. Oh well. Life isin't fair. I guess that's the way it's going to be. I guess. Because people are that out of it.
- Jordan
Let's Get Physical
Once again I've failed myself. Well, more specifically, my body. I'm LAZY when it comes to doing more physical activity than my daily life requires. Sure I'll play ultimate, I work on my feet, I walk several miles a day when I'm at school, but I don't do more than is really required. Meaning I don't have a consistent habit of working out, running, anything besides sitting around and not doing much. Let's just say I make a lot of excuses for myself, and then complain when I weigh myself and the scale reads 160 (I'm 6 feet 3 inches tall, I'm definitely underweight). Well, there's nothing I can do about it I guess...that's what I tell myself anyway.
I live in a fantastic apartment complex with a great fitness center. I go to a good school which has a rec center that is more than adaquate. But until I stop making excuses, I'm not going to accomplish anything.
I make way too many excuses for myself.
I live in a fantastic apartment complex with a great fitness center. I go to a good school which has a rec center that is more than adaquate. But until I stop making excuses, I'm not going to accomplish anything.
I make way too many excuses for myself.
Friday, February 11, 2005
Big Trucks Pt. 2
Following my last post I got an e-mail from a good friend of mine named Dan Bakken. He brought up a very interesting and valid point, some people buy large vehicles for safety reasons.
My answer is that is a reason for buying one...espeically if parent's are buying one of their kid because they want them to have the best chance in an accident. However, I think it is a pretty dangerous trend...what happens when more people start buying hummers, then a Ford Explorer is no longer that safe...vehicles get larger and larger while the people who can only afford to drive small cars (i.e., myself) are put at more and more risk. I wish we could get out of this "bigger is better" mentality, especially in Texas. Oh well.
p.s. I didn't mean to sound as if I was targeting people who drive moderately sized trucks or S.U.V.s...I was mainly talking about huge jacked up trucks, hummers, huge S.U.Vs and the like. So yea, no offense meant to Derek or Sam...you're guys cars (a Jeep and a moderately sized truck) are not the kind of cars I was ranting about. Take it easy,
- Jordan
----
The e-mail:
Good post about the big gas guzzling trucks, just one thought:
What about the folks that buy larger vehicles for safety reasons? A
gigantic SUV or truck has a much better chance of surviving a crash
with an 18 wheeler than a Geo Metro.
Dan
My answer is that is a reason for buying one...espeically if parent's are buying one of their kid because they want them to have the best chance in an accident. However, I think it is a pretty dangerous trend...what happens when more people start buying hummers, then a Ford Explorer is no longer that safe...vehicles get larger and larger while the people who can only afford to drive small cars (i.e., myself) are put at more and more risk. I wish we could get out of this "bigger is better" mentality, especially in Texas. Oh well.
p.s. I didn't mean to sound as if I was targeting people who drive moderately sized trucks or S.U.V.s...I was mainly talking about huge jacked up trucks, hummers, huge S.U.Vs and the like. So yea, no offense meant to Derek or Sam...you're guys cars (a Jeep and a moderately sized truck) are not the kind of cars I was ranting about. Take it easy,
- Jordan
----
The e-mail:
Good post about the big gas guzzling trucks, just one thought:
What about the folks that buy larger vehicles for safety reasons? A
gigantic SUV or truck has a much better chance of surviving a crash
with an 18 wheeler than a Geo Metro.
Dan
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Big People in their Big Big Trucks
Prepare for a rant of biblical proportions.
I've been thinking a good deal lately about American culture as it relates to material consumptions. I often tend to single out my home state of Texas when I think about the problems I see, but honestly the case is pretty similar everywhere I go (allthough my travels have primarily been in the Western half of the U.S.). It's the same case, the best visable example, people driving really unessicarily large vehicles and using ridiculous amounts of gas to power their gigantic hunks of metal as they fly down the freeway at eighty-whatever miles per hour.
The question I ask every time I see a college student driving a Ford Excursion or a Tahoe, or a guy with a pick up track that is so huge and jacked up so high that if it ran over you it would just mess up your hair is.......why...why...I mean, there are a lot of things in life that I do not understand, but this transcends any possibility of me ever understanding...WHY? I mean, there is a compensation factor...the shortest guy that lived in my dorm last year drove the largest truck. The irony was not lost on me...but seriously, where in the world does the money come from for buying an expensive large vehicle, gas for that vehicle, and huge tires and whatever else is needed to give that vehicle more power to kill.
Then there's the amount of energy wasted on all of those extra seats. We have an "oil crisis". Who is really at fault for it? OPEC, terrorists? Nope. It's every good ol' boy, sorority girl, soccer mom or hick that is rushing to car lots across America (many younger people doing so with their parents money) to buy a vehicle that is bigger than the guy's next door. Do you think we would have a gas shortage if the people who didn't need gigantic vehicles bought Honda Accords? Think of how much cheaper gas would be...the difference would be staggering. This alone would cut U.S. gasoline consumption severely. But are people are selfish, so damn selfish, do damn intent on proving something, whatever it is, by owning a gigantic killing machine, not thinking about what this does to the economy or, more importiantly, the environment.
Of course I'm not blind to the fact that for some people these large autos are necessary, or at least serve a very practical purpose. Farmers and ranchers need trucks, however, Joe Suburban White Guy from the suburbs of Houston who attends college in Dallas doesn't...but in spite of that we have thousands of Joe White guys driving around in their 15 m.p.g. trucks with dozens of cubic feet of wasted space and untold gallons of wasted gas. Yeah, my friend Michael's family needed their Chevy Suburban, they had 7 kids. They would spend a lot on gas anyway. However, Jane Suburban White Girl doesn't need to use an entire gallon of gas to drive her freakin Chevy tahoe 10 minutes to school with room for her and six of her invisable friends.
This isin't just an issue of consumption, it's a reflection of a huge American cultural flaw. Americans are too selfish and self centered to think about others, or practicality, or waste, or the environment...people who drive Hummers (something that there is no reason for anyone to own unless you're planning on driving across enemy territory to plant a bomb to blow up an enemy supply line) should be sent 50 years into the future to see the havoc that this over consumption may potentially reek on our planet and mankind...then they should be flogged...okay mabye that's too harsh...I think being forced to drive a Geo for the rest of their lives might be more humane...but just barely.
Mabye that's what these people should do. Instead of plastering their hummers with yellow and flag colored ribbons and pretending to support the troops, mabye they should really support them by excercising their second amendment right to buy whatever massive assualt weapon they choose, ship their hummers over to Iraq, and go after insurgent strongholds. That's what I call supporting the troops. At least their hummers will already have more armor than some of the ones that our soldiers have been using for the past few months.
I have a lot more I could say about this...more complaining I could do. However I'm going to just stop for now and contenue this at another time. Please respond with your comments. If I was too harsh or inflammitory, well, I'm pissed about this, so I'm going to be, until people stop being idiots...allthough that's not something I'm really counting on happening for a while. I'm looking foward to getting my 2 door Honda Civic back from the shop this week and driving it with the satisfaction that, as I drive down the freeway, the guy to the left in his huge truck and the guy to my right in the Hummer are spending three times as much money on gas as I am. But then again, that's probably because they either have way too much money, or their parents don't mind footing the bill.
Can the craze over huge automobiles get any more ridiculious? The answer is found in the link, which can be accessed by clicking on the title of this post. I think it is a good example of what I'm saying.
Enjoy,
- Jordan
I've been thinking a good deal lately about American culture as it relates to material consumptions. I often tend to single out my home state of Texas when I think about the problems I see, but honestly the case is pretty similar everywhere I go (allthough my travels have primarily been in the Western half of the U.S.). It's the same case, the best visable example, people driving really unessicarily large vehicles and using ridiculous amounts of gas to power their gigantic hunks of metal as they fly down the freeway at eighty-whatever miles per hour.
The question I ask every time I see a college student driving a Ford Excursion or a Tahoe, or a guy with a pick up track that is so huge and jacked up so high that if it ran over you it would just mess up your hair is.......why...why...I mean, there are a lot of things in life that I do not understand, but this transcends any possibility of me ever understanding...WHY? I mean, there is a compensation factor...the shortest guy that lived in my dorm last year drove the largest truck. The irony was not lost on me...but seriously, where in the world does the money come from for buying an expensive large vehicle, gas for that vehicle, and huge tires and whatever else is needed to give that vehicle more power to kill.
Then there's the amount of energy wasted on all of those extra seats. We have an "oil crisis". Who is really at fault for it? OPEC, terrorists? Nope. It's every good ol' boy, sorority girl, soccer mom or hick that is rushing to car lots across America (many younger people doing so with their parents money) to buy a vehicle that is bigger than the guy's next door. Do you think we would have a gas shortage if the people who didn't need gigantic vehicles bought Honda Accords? Think of how much cheaper gas would be...the difference would be staggering. This alone would cut U.S. gasoline consumption severely. But are people are selfish, so damn selfish, do damn intent on proving something, whatever it is, by owning a gigantic killing machine, not thinking about what this does to the economy or, more importiantly, the environment.
Of course I'm not blind to the fact that for some people these large autos are necessary, or at least serve a very practical purpose. Farmers and ranchers need trucks, however, Joe Suburban White Guy from the suburbs of Houston who attends college in Dallas doesn't...but in spite of that we have thousands of Joe White guys driving around in their 15 m.p.g. trucks with dozens of cubic feet of wasted space and untold gallons of wasted gas. Yeah, my friend Michael's family needed their Chevy Suburban, they had 7 kids. They would spend a lot on gas anyway. However, Jane Suburban White Girl doesn't need to use an entire gallon of gas to drive her freakin Chevy tahoe 10 minutes to school with room for her and six of her invisable friends.
This isin't just an issue of consumption, it's a reflection of a huge American cultural flaw. Americans are too selfish and self centered to think about others, or practicality, or waste, or the environment...people who drive Hummers (something that there is no reason for anyone to own unless you're planning on driving across enemy territory to plant a bomb to blow up an enemy supply line) should be sent 50 years into the future to see the havoc that this over consumption may potentially reek on our planet and mankind...then they should be flogged...okay mabye that's too harsh...I think being forced to drive a Geo for the rest of their lives might be more humane...but just barely.
Mabye that's what these people should do. Instead of plastering their hummers with yellow and flag colored ribbons and pretending to support the troops, mabye they should really support them by excercising their second amendment right to buy whatever massive assualt weapon they choose, ship their hummers over to Iraq, and go after insurgent strongholds. That's what I call supporting the troops. At least their hummers will already have more armor than some of the ones that our soldiers have been using for the past few months.
I have a lot more I could say about this...more complaining I could do. However I'm going to just stop for now and contenue this at another time. Please respond with your comments. If I was too harsh or inflammitory, well, I'm pissed about this, so I'm going to be, until people stop being idiots...allthough that's not something I'm really counting on happening for a while. I'm looking foward to getting my 2 door Honda Civic back from the shop this week and driving it with the satisfaction that, as I drive down the freeway, the guy to the left in his huge truck and the guy to my right in the Hummer are spending three times as much money on gas as I am. But then again, that's probably because they either have way too much money, or their parents don't mind footing the bill.
Can the craze over huge automobiles get any more ridiculious? The answer is found in the link, which can be accessed by clicking on the title of this post. I think it is a good example of what I'm saying.
Enjoy,
- Jordan
Supermix 2K5 Pt. 2 (The Tweak)
Well, just as I posted that, I decided to tweak my tracklist again. I like "Tiny Cities Made of Ashes" enough to justify replacing "The Stars Are Projectors" (which I'm listening to right now and is an amazing song) and thus freeing up a few minutes so I can add "Promise" by Pedro the Lion, a song that means way too much to me to leave off.
I also have, I think, finally settled on "Take the Veil Cerpin Taxt" as my favorite Mars Volta song. It's amazing, that album is amazing. That's why I've had such a hard time picking a favorite song because the entire album is so complete and awesome. The same goes for MewithoutYou. As much as I like the new album, I've decided to go with Silencer which is off their first album. It's an unreal song. I love it.
The updated tracklist:
1. Slick Shoes - For Better, For Worse (2:53)
2. The Get Up Kids - Ten Minutes (3:12)
3. Death Cab for Cutie - We Laugh Indoors (4:58)
4. And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead - Mistakes and Regrets (3:46)
5. RX Bandits - Consequential Apathy (2:36)
6. Less than Jake - All My Best Friends are Metalheads (3:41)
7. The Impossibles - Erin with an "E" (3:27)
8. Thrice - Ultra Blue (3:02)
9. The Mars Volta - Take the Veil Cerpin Taxt (8:41)
10. Modest Mouse - Tiny Cities Made of Ashes (3:41)
11. The Shins - New Slang (3:51)
12. The New Amsterdams - Every Double Life (2:05)
13. Jimmy Eat World - Ten (3:48)
14. The Weakerthans - Song for an Elk's Lodge Last Call (2:44)
15. Streetlight Manifesto - A Better Place, A Better Time (6:28)
16. The Ataris - In Spite of the World (3:37)
17. MewithoutYou - Silencer (3:49)
18. At the Drive In - Cosmonaut (3:24)
19. Pedro the Lion - Promise (2:19)
20. Five Iron Frenzy - Every New Day (4:10)
If you want a copy just ask and I'll burn you one. Most of the people who read this should have my AIM s/n but just in case you don't it's: thriceshoes
Take it easy,
- Jordan
I also have, I think, finally settled on "Take the Veil Cerpin Taxt" as my favorite Mars Volta song. It's amazing, that album is amazing. That's why I've had such a hard time picking a favorite song because the entire album is so complete and awesome. The same goes for MewithoutYou. As much as I like the new album, I've decided to go with Silencer which is off their first album. It's an unreal song. I love it.
The updated tracklist:
1. Slick Shoes - For Better, For Worse (2:53)
2. The Get Up Kids - Ten Minutes (3:12)
3. Death Cab for Cutie - We Laugh Indoors (4:58)
4. And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead - Mistakes and Regrets (3:46)
5. RX Bandits - Consequential Apathy (2:36)
6. Less than Jake - All My Best Friends are Metalheads (3:41)
7. The Impossibles - Erin with an "E" (3:27)
8. Thrice - Ultra Blue (3:02)
9. The Mars Volta - Take the Veil Cerpin Taxt (8:41)
10. Modest Mouse - Tiny Cities Made of Ashes (3:41)
11. The Shins - New Slang (3:51)
12. The New Amsterdams - Every Double Life (2:05)
13. Jimmy Eat World - Ten (3:48)
14. The Weakerthans - Song for an Elk's Lodge Last Call (2:44)
15. Streetlight Manifesto - A Better Place, A Better Time (6:28)
16. The Ataris - In Spite of the World (3:37)
17. MewithoutYou - Silencer (3:49)
18. At the Drive In - Cosmonaut (3:24)
19. Pedro the Lion - Promise (2:19)
20. Five Iron Frenzy - Every New Day (4:10)
If you want a copy just ask and I'll burn you one. Most of the people who read this should have my AIM s/n but just in case you don't it's: thriceshoes
Take it easy,
- Jordan
Monday, February 07, 2005
Supermix 2K5
I spent some time over the second half of last year, compiling and putting together a cd with my all time favorite songs...limited to one per band so I could represent more of my favorite bands. I did several editions but after a few tries and re-tries I finally settled on a cd that, as of now, best represents my favorite music and contains some songs that really mean alot to me in a lot of ways. If any of you guys want a copy of it I'll be more than happy to burn one for you. It's the best way for me to answer the question "what kind of music do you like?". Also, it is a chance to share a part of my life and I feel that the cd gives a really good sense of who I am and what I'm like. Without further flatulation...here's the tracklist:
---
1. Slick Shoes - For Better, For Worse (2:53)
2. The Get Up Kids - Ten Minutes (3:12)
3. Death Cab for Cutie - We Laugh Indoors (4:58)
4. And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead - Mistakes and Regrets (3:46)
5. RX Bandits - Consequential Apathy (2:36)
6. Less than Jake - All My Best Friends are Metalheads (3:41)
7. The Impossibles - Erin with an "E" (3:27)
8. Thrice - Ultra Blue (3:02)
9. The Mars Volta - Eriatarka (6:20)
10. Modest Mouse - The Stars are Projectors (8:46)
11. The Shins - New Slang (3:51)
12. The New Amsterdams - Every Double Life (2:05)
13. Jimmy Eat World - Ten (3:48)
14. The Weakerthans - Song for an Elk's Lodge Last Call (2:44)
15. Streetlight Manifesto - A Better Place, A Better Time (6:28)
16. The Ataris - In Spite of the World (3:37)
17. At the Drive In - Cosmonaut (3:24)
18. MewithoutYou - January 1979 (3:26)
19. Five Iron Frenzy - Every New Day (4:10)
---
The hardest parts of putting together a cd like this are deciding which song to use (which is hard with some of my favorite bands), deciding what order to put them in, and, hardest of all, cutting some songs from the list in order to fit it all onto one cd.This is still definitely a work in progress, but it's much close to being a finished product than it's ever been. Then again, I don't think I'll ever have a finished product as far as this is concerned. That's what's so great about good music.
- Jordan
---
1. Slick Shoes - For Better, For Worse (2:53)
2. The Get Up Kids - Ten Minutes (3:12)
3. Death Cab for Cutie - We Laugh Indoors (4:58)
4. And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead - Mistakes and Regrets (3:46)
5. RX Bandits - Consequential Apathy (2:36)
6. Less than Jake - All My Best Friends are Metalheads (3:41)
7. The Impossibles - Erin with an "E" (3:27)
8. Thrice - Ultra Blue (3:02)
9. The Mars Volta - Eriatarka (6:20)
10. Modest Mouse - The Stars are Projectors (8:46)
11. The Shins - New Slang (3:51)
12. The New Amsterdams - Every Double Life (2:05)
13. Jimmy Eat World - Ten (3:48)
14. The Weakerthans - Song for an Elk's Lodge Last Call (2:44)
15. Streetlight Manifesto - A Better Place, A Better Time (6:28)
16. The Ataris - In Spite of the World (3:37)
17. At the Drive In - Cosmonaut (3:24)
18. MewithoutYou - January 1979 (3:26)
19. Five Iron Frenzy - Every New Day (4:10)
---
The hardest parts of putting together a cd like this are deciding which song to use (which is hard with some of my favorite bands), deciding what order to put them in, and, hardest of all, cutting some songs from the list in order to fit it all onto one cd.This is still definitely a work in progress, but it's much close to being a finished product than it's ever been. Then again, I don't think I'll ever have a finished product as far as this is concerned. That's what's so great about good music.
- Jordan
Why Can't We Be Friends? Why Can't We Be...
I’ve come to the conclusion that I really do not like the month of February. It’s hard to spell, school is dragging on but it’s too early to think about Spring Break, the weather usually sucks (by Texas standards), there are practically no good shows going on even in Austin (the calm before the storm of music that is South by Southwest), things are slower than usual at work, not a lot of people seem very happy. Stuff like that is why I just don’t see much to like about this month. One bright spot is the birthday of Derek Eacho, but there’s not too much else to cheer about...like the full cup of coffee that I just spilled all over the (fortunetly) coffee colored carpet at Mocha's and Java's. Good times? Not really. But what I really need to do is make the best of it.
Work, school, work, school, work, school. Thank God for relationships. They really save life from being extremely dull. Family, friends, and (allthough I don't often prioritize correctly) most importiantly, God. Where would I be without relationships? That thought is what drives me to cherish them and value them highly. That is why I put so much time and effort into building them. Of course, I seem to value close relationships greatly and more distiant relationships not nearly as highly. I seem to prefer a small close group of really good friends to a larger group of not so close friends. When I look at friendships I see them on different levels...of course this holds me back when I'm in a new group or meeting a new person.
Of course it's nothing personal, at least I don't intend it to be. I just seem to have a sense (that is usually proven right) when I am first getting to know a person of how good of friends I will end up being with that person. With almost all of my good friends in Austin, San Marcos or Temple, I knew within just a few minutes of knowing them that I would eventually be good friends with them. There have been (see post on negitivity) however, a few friendships that defied that. My intuition was proven wrong, usually because of a certian unfair bias that I mentally had. Sometimes I wonder if this "intuitive sense" is merely a self-fullfilling prophecy, mabye I have great potential friendships that I just torpedo because I think that they're not going to work. I often wonder if I do this when it comes to potential relashonships with girls. I see certian girls that I could have potential feelings for, but I always seem to find some reason not to take the iniative to...well, iniate.
But the whole girl topic is for another post. I have a hard time addressing it or thinking about it.
Work, school, work, school, work, school. Thank God for relationships. They really save life from being extremely dull. Family, friends, and (allthough I don't often prioritize correctly) most importiantly, God. Where would I be without relationships? That thought is what drives me to cherish them and value them highly. That is why I put so much time and effort into building them. Of course, I seem to value close relationships greatly and more distiant relationships not nearly as highly. I seem to prefer a small close group of really good friends to a larger group of not so close friends. When I look at friendships I see them on different levels...of course this holds me back when I'm in a new group or meeting a new person.
Of course it's nothing personal, at least I don't intend it to be. I just seem to have a sense (that is usually proven right) when I am first getting to know a person of how good of friends I will end up being with that person. With almost all of my good friends in Austin, San Marcos or Temple, I knew within just a few minutes of knowing them that I would eventually be good friends with them. There have been (see post on negitivity) however, a few friendships that defied that. My intuition was proven wrong, usually because of a certian unfair bias that I mentally had. Sometimes I wonder if this "intuitive sense" is merely a self-fullfilling prophecy, mabye I have great potential friendships that I just torpedo because I think that they're not going to work. I often wonder if I do this when it comes to potential relashonships with girls. I see certian girls that I could have potential feelings for, but I always seem to find some reason not to take the iniative to...well, iniate.
But the whole girl topic is for another post. I have a hard time addressing it or thinking about it.
Super (Insert Pun Here)
I gathered with some friends at a San Marcos apartment last night for the annual American ritual of watching the Super Bowl while eating various grilled meats. I'm a pretty big football fan and I had a vested (non-monetary) interest in the game. I've liked the New England Patriots ever since I was a kid (I remember rooting for them against the Packers in Super Bowl XXXI for example), on the other hand, The Dallas Cowboys are my favorite team which all but requires me to hate the Philadelphia Eagles.
Thus, I was extremely pleased with the game. I can't stand the Eagles...espeically Terrell Owens...what a jerk. Anyway it was a good time with some people that I hadn't seen in a long time. The various meats were good. The commercials were very average. The game was pretty good toward the end. It appeared as if the Eagles didn't realize that they could still win until after the two minute warning. It was pretty funny to watch. Anyway yea go football.
Thus, I was extremely pleased with the game. I can't stand the Eagles...espeically Terrell Owens...what a jerk. Anyway it was a good time with some people that I hadn't seen in a long time. The various meats were good. The commercials were very average. The game was pretty good toward the end. It appeared as if the Eagles didn't realize that they could still win until after the two minute warning. It was pretty funny to watch. Anyway yea go football.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Discs of Fury
One of the hardest tasks that I have ever undertaken in my life is trying to learn how to throw a Frisbee. It is, for me, unbelievably difficult to learn how to throw it with both distance and accuracy. I have both for about 15 feet and then after that my accuracy drops considerably. I watch so many of my friends effortlessly toss the disc, almost as if with their minds, to travel hundreds of feet with perfect balance and evenness, right to their intended target. For me however, I often miss targets that are 20 feet away.
I won’t go into the suspected reasons, or theories (almost all of my friends have a different explanation as to what I’m doing wrong) for why I have so much trouble with those little round things, it’s enough for this post to say that I have immense amounts of trouble with them and leave it at that.
My inability to make significant process throwing the Frisbee has led to significant displays of visual frustration and borderline rage on my part. Sure it “doesn’t matter”, and it’s “not a big deal”, but as a hyper-competitive person, whenever I see a bunch of people that I know doing something well, I want to do it just as well, or better, even if it is something as inconsequential as the ability to hurl a disc for more than 30 feet in the same direction.
So of course the embarrassment of my often frustrated actions only adds to the angst surrounding this constant struggle between man and disc. It seems to bring out the worst in me, a category previously reserved for Bowling. But, a conversation that I had with a good friend this past week helped me come to the conclusion that my struggle with the inanimate plastic disc has not been completely in vain. I am learning an important lesson though it.
I’ve often thought that I was learning a number of lessons during my now two-year-long endeavor, “life sucks”, “you can’t be good at everything”, “you suck at throwing the Frisbee and always will”…but none of those were the real lesson. The real lesson has always been one that I have had a difficult time learning and grasping. The lesson that there are many areas in my life where purely relying on myself only leads to fruitless results and frustration. Ultimately (no pun intended), I must be surrounded by, and immersed in community, reaching beyond myself to seek help in growing in all areas of life, otherwise I will stagnate and become frustrated, wondering why I am still in the same place, and situation.
I began to consider this on a cool night late last semester. I was warming up with some of my best friends before our Thursday night ritual of midnight Ultimate Frisbee. I enjoy Ultimate much more than throwing the Frisbee normally, or playing disc golf, because you can actually have a big impact in the game without ever having to toss the Frisbee more than 20 feet.This night I was having a particularly hard time remembering the 20 or so ways that I’ve been told are the correct way to throw the Frisbee. I have always lamented these reasons because I have an extremely difficult time transmitting verbal instructions into physical actions. The way I learn doesn’t facilitate that. I learn very differently than people who seem more athletically inclined than I am.
This night however, one of my good friends, Derek Eacho, got it. Agreeing with my protests that I needed to be physically shown how to throw the disc, not just watch someone throw it while they say something that I completely don’t understand to explain what they just somehow did. He physically moved my arms in the correct throwing motion and for the first time ever I actually significantly improved at throwing the Frisbee after someone else’s instructions. And there is my lesson, it was not until I had submitted to have someone else physically help me throw it that I finally grew in my ability to do so. I feel that is an important thing that I need to apply to my everyday life. Because of my fallen and imperfect nature, anything that I try to do on my own is ultimately flawed and doomed to fail. However, when we seek after God, we have less room for error, and those flaws are less prominent, when we do so in community. It is in community that we are best suited for growth. Fellowship and accountability are two of God's greatest gifts to mankind, I think. No, I'm sure. They're so important.
If this is the only major less I learn from my months of often extreme frustration with the disc, then I will consider it to be worth it. This is a huge thing that I need to learn. I've got to end the belief that I can acheieve anything on my own and I don't need the help of others. It's just not true and it's gotten me into a lot of holes in my life.
- Jordan
I won’t go into the suspected reasons, or theories (almost all of my friends have a different explanation as to what I’m doing wrong) for why I have so much trouble with those little round things, it’s enough for this post to say that I have immense amounts of trouble with them and leave it at that.
My inability to make significant process throwing the Frisbee has led to significant displays of visual frustration and borderline rage on my part. Sure it “doesn’t matter”, and it’s “not a big deal”, but as a hyper-competitive person, whenever I see a bunch of people that I know doing something well, I want to do it just as well, or better, even if it is something as inconsequential as the ability to hurl a disc for more than 30 feet in the same direction.
So of course the embarrassment of my often frustrated actions only adds to the angst surrounding this constant struggle between man and disc. It seems to bring out the worst in me, a category previously reserved for Bowling. But, a conversation that I had with a good friend this past week helped me come to the conclusion that my struggle with the inanimate plastic disc has not been completely in vain. I am learning an important lesson though it.
I’ve often thought that I was learning a number of lessons during my now two-year-long endeavor, “life sucks”, “you can’t be good at everything”, “you suck at throwing the Frisbee and always will”…but none of those were the real lesson. The real lesson has always been one that I have had a difficult time learning and grasping. The lesson that there are many areas in my life where purely relying on myself only leads to fruitless results and frustration. Ultimately (no pun intended), I must be surrounded by, and immersed in community, reaching beyond myself to seek help in growing in all areas of life, otherwise I will stagnate and become frustrated, wondering why I am still in the same place, and situation.
I began to consider this on a cool night late last semester. I was warming up with some of my best friends before our Thursday night ritual of midnight Ultimate Frisbee. I enjoy Ultimate much more than throwing the Frisbee normally, or playing disc golf, because you can actually have a big impact in the game without ever having to toss the Frisbee more than 20 feet.This night I was having a particularly hard time remembering the 20 or so ways that I’ve been told are the correct way to throw the Frisbee. I have always lamented these reasons because I have an extremely difficult time transmitting verbal instructions into physical actions. The way I learn doesn’t facilitate that. I learn very differently than people who seem more athletically inclined than I am.
This night however, one of my good friends, Derek Eacho, got it. Agreeing with my protests that I needed to be physically shown how to throw the disc, not just watch someone throw it while they say something that I completely don’t understand to explain what they just somehow did. He physically moved my arms in the correct throwing motion and for the first time ever I actually significantly improved at throwing the Frisbee after someone else’s instructions. And there is my lesson, it was not until I had submitted to have someone else physically help me throw it that I finally grew in my ability to do so. I feel that is an important thing that I need to apply to my everyday life. Because of my fallen and imperfect nature, anything that I try to do on my own is ultimately flawed and doomed to fail. However, when we seek after God, we have less room for error, and those flaws are less prominent, when we do so in community. It is in community that we are best suited for growth. Fellowship and accountability are two of God's greatest gifts to mankind, I think. No, I'm sure. They're so important.
If this is the only major less I learn from my months of often extreme frustration with the disc, then I will consider it to be worth it. This is a huge thing that I need to learn. I've got to end the belief that I can acheieve anything on my own and I don't need the help of others. It's just not true and it's gotten me into a lot of holes in my life.
- Jordan
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Irresistable Change
There's a sign along Interstate 35 between Austin and San Antonio that boldly proclaims a community that, for decades, has been "Gently resisting change". Well, of course that is a facade, the community changed a lot when an investor purchased most of the buildings in the hamlet and turned it into a small tourist center full of manufactured Texas "culture". This story is not about that community, it is about my life...how I resisted change, change to my plans, my life, change that came from anywhere besides myself. However, while I was strongly resisting, I was on the path being changed regardless.
Of course I resisted...who likes change? Who wants to admit that their plans, lifestyle, the entire personal code of ethics that they have lived by are ultimately inadequate. I never wanted to entertain the idea that, no matter how hard I tried, I could not control my life.
I grew up assuming that I was saved...not really knowing what I was saved from. I just assumed that, on my own, I could do whatever I wanted, achieve whatever I wanted, that I could do the things necessary to save me from whatever. I had plenty of "knowledge" of the Bible, of Christian thought, but I never really believed it. I would often reject truthful things because they conflicted with my plans, with my beliefs, with my selfishness.
Oh man, selfishness, what a horrible thing, but it was my best friend growing up. I was selfish, every action, every thought, "good" or bad, was done with the intention of bringing the most benefit possible to myself. I cannot recall ever doing something for someone without first making sure that I would benefit in some way, that it was "worth it". I wanted to look good, I wanted other people to think highly of me. It didn't matter what the consequences were for everyone else. I was extremely competitive, but, because of my family's persistent financial difficulties (I spent most of my childhood below "middle class", my sports activities, were limited. So, I expressed my competitive nature in many other ways. I was a very "bad sport", but not only that, I was a chronically argumentative and angry kid.
My story of growing up is far from a "Sex, Drugs and Rock N' Roll" story. However, I didn't drink or do drugs for any reason other than to benefit myself, that is, make myself look as much like a good moral person as possible. I was just as sinful as anyone (still am of course), but I didn't look at it that way at the time. I was "better" than people around me because I did the "right" things. I had some experience with church, but my family stopped going when I was 12, further hampering any spiritual input into my life. I didn't grow up with spiritual leadership or strong guidance in this area of my life. I wasn't around consistent fellowship and so I sank further into a spiritual quagmire of, well, nothing.
Being filled with nothing, I was a very unsatisfied teenager. I was always depressed, nothing could cure that it. On top of that my parents (who are vastly different now and I love them greatly) were fairly strict and overprotective. The oldest in a family often has to deal with this to some degree. I naturally became more rebellious (inwardly and in a passive agressive way) and self-focused. I often hated life, hated others, hated myself. I had friends but only a couple of them ever discussed spiritual stuff with me. I played along, assuming that I had already done enough and didn't have to worry about God. God was off doing his own thing, saving people so that they could be legalistic, make up a lot of extra-biblical rules, tell others to live by them while they spend their time judging others, as well as being hypocrites. That was the representation of God that I got from most of the "christians" that I encountered in life.
At age 15 I came as close to killing myself as I ever will. I had been grounded for a very long time and, faced with this new level of "tough love", I sank further into my negative hateful thought process. I think it was that summer that I hit my low point...although on the other hand I think every second of my life before I came to truly know Christ were equally low points. I remember, walking near the house on another 105 degree day (1998 was a hot year), trying to think of the best way to finish myself off, when I saw am image of my father crying at my funeral. It was a look of such stunning anguish, it broke my heart. It was the most realistic thing to ever flash into my mind. If I were to have a gun in my hand at that point I would have dropped it, just as quickly I dropped the thought of killing myself. From then on, I realized that my life had some purpose.
That purpose would remain lost on me for the next several years. My sense of purpose would be a confused and ultimately self-twisted idea that my purpose in life was to be successful, rich, powerful, and awesome. I saw every person on Earth as placed in a system where we were all ranked, 1 though 6 billion. My goal was to be number one and I needed to, and could, do whatever it took to reach that spot.
To be continued...
Of course I resisted...who likes change? Who wants to admit that their plans, lifestyle, the entire personal code of ethics that they have lived by are ultimately inadequate. I never wanted to entertain the idea that, no matter how hard I tried, I could not control my life.
I grew up assuming that I was saved...not really knowing what I was saved from. I just assumed that, on my own, I could do whatever I wanted, achieve whatever I wanted, that I could do the things necessary to save me from whatever. I had plenty of "knowledge" of the Bible, of Christian thought, but I never really believed it. I would often reject truthful things because they conflicted with my plans, with my beliefs, with my selfishness.
Oh man, selfishness, what a horrible thing, but it was my best friend growing up. I was selfish, every action, every thought, "good" or bad, was done with the intention of bringing the most benefit possible to myself. I cannot recall ever doing something for someone without first making sure that I would benefit in some way, that it was "worth it". I wanted to look good, I wanted other people to think highly of me. It didn't matter what the consequences were for everyone else. I was extremely competitive, but, because of my family's persistent financial difficulties (I spent most of my childhood below "middle class", my sports activities, were limited. So, I expressed my competitive nature in many other ways. I was a very "bad sport", but not only that, I was a chronically argumentative and angry kid.
My story of growing up is far from a "Sex, Drugs and Rock N' Roll" story. However, I didn't drink or do drugs for any reason other than to benefit myself, that is, make myself look as much like a good moral person as possible. I was just as sinful as anyone (still am of course), but I didn't look at it that way at the time. I was "better" than people around me because I did the "right" things. I had some experience with church, but my family stopped going when I was 12, further hampering any spiritual input into my life. I didn't grow up with spiritual leadership or strong guidance in this area of my life. I wasn't around consistent fellowship and so I sank further into a spiritual quagmire of, well, nothing.
Being filled with nothing, I was a very unsatisfied teenager. I was always depressed, nothing could cure that it. On top of that my parents (who are vastly different now and I love them greatly) were fairly strict and overprotective. The oldest in a family often has to deal with this to some degree. I naturally became more rebellious (inwardly and in a passive agressive way) and self-focused. I often hated life, hated others, hated myself. I had friends but only a couple of them ever discussed spiritual stuff with me. I played along, assuming that I had already done enough and didn't have to worry about God. God was off doing his own thing, saving people so that they could be legalistic, make up a lot of extra-biblical rules, tell others to live by them while they spend their time judging others, as well as being hypocrites. That was the representation of God that I got from most of the "christians" that I encountered in life.
At age 15 I came as close to killing myself as I ever will. I had been grounded for a very long time and, faced with this new level of "tough love", I sank further into my negative hateful thought process. I think it was that summer that I hit my low point...although on the other hand I think every second of my life before I came to truly know Christ were equally low points. I remember, walking near the house on another 105 degree day (1998 was a hot year), trying to think of the best way to finish myself off, when I saw am image of my father crying at my funeral. It was a look of such stunning anguish, it broke my heart. It was the most realistic thing to ever flash into my mind. If I were to have a gun in my hand at that point I would have dropped it, just as quickly I dropped the thought of killing myself. From then on, I realized that my life had some purpose.
That purpose would remain lost on me for the next several years. My sense of purpose would be a confused and ultimately self-twisted idea that my purpose in life was to be successful, rich, powerful, and awesome. I saw every person on Earth as placed in a system where we were all ranked, 1 though 6 billion. My goal was to be number one and I needed to, and could, do whatever it took to reach that spot.
To be continued...
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