Initiative

I lack initative...so much so that I just had to go ask someone how to spell it (and I'm usually pretty good at spelling things). This is one of the most and difficult things that I learned about myself at DWC. I mean, it was an obvious answer to the many things that I have been struggling and dealing with over the past years.

While I lack initative in general, I espeically struggle with iniatiting with people. As much as I love hanging out with people and just talking to anyone and everyone, I often struggle with approaching them. This manifests itself in social insecurity, one that is nearly paralyzing when it comes to initative evangelism, or even interviewing people for journalism classes, or having to ask people for favors, or money, or anything. It causes me so much unnesscary struggle and holds me back in a major way. If I want to go on a summer project, I will have to raise the money for it, and if I have to raise the money for it, then I will have to ask people, and that, as of now, is a very difficult thing for me.

I often wonder if I am too sensitive towards other people and what they are thinking, I think I am. I want to just be "nice" to people, and I often take this to extremes. I don't like bothering people. I don't like invading their space, not because I am an introvert, for the most part I'm not, but I'm simply afraid of them thinking poorly of me because I am bothering them. This is espeically a hindrence when it comes to outreach. I don't like when mormons or JWs solicit me, or when people try to sell me things, or in general when they bother me with I don't want to be bothered, so I assume that outreach targets (note the negitive words that I often associate with it) feel the same way and, trying to be "nice", I want to avoid putting them out. Thus, I avoid "confrontational evangelism", or selling things, or sometimes asking big favors of people like the plague.

But this is not what we are called to be. We are not called to be passive "nice guys" who sit around in our little circles and never "bother" people. We are called to initate. Jesus commanded us to do so. We cannot fullfill the great commision by just sitting around and being "nice" to people and not bothering to tell them of the truth that has meant so much to our lives, but they perhaps have not even heard of. Yet being initative is something that I am so far from being strong in. My lack of initative doesn't just affect my performance in school, or in relashonships, it affects my ability to fulfill my role on Earth as an initator for the Kingdom of God. With this paragraph in mind you can see that this issue is cause for a considerable amount of personal angst. I would love to just flip a switch and suddently have no reservations and become Mr. Initative but I can't...I don't have such a switch. All I have is this pervasive weakness that I am only just now taking steps to even acknowledge.

I don't know where this acknowledgement will go, or how I will act on it, but I believe that just the realization of this is a breakthrough for me, it explains so much about my weaknesses. I am hopeful that this will change me...that God will grow me in this area and give me boldness in approaching people. Perhaps, mabye, I will finally learn that not only is it not inappropriate to approach people with a request, or to share, but that it is often inappropriate not to.

Take it easy,

- Jordan