Lost In Negitivity.

I am currently lost in a sea of thoughts, many of them negitive. I struggle often when my overall keen sense of optimism is turned off and replaced with negitive thoughts. These thoughts are often about other people, not just people I know, but people in general. I see people and make judgements about them without even meeting or talking to them. Often I am best at this behind the wheel...judging people by the way they drive or the bumper stickers on their car (Nascar stickers = drunk idiot douchebag redneck etc...)...I am also good at making quick baseless judgements about people based on the clothes they wear, the greek letters on their shirt, their accent, the music they listen to cours this isin't right but it appeals to my ego.

My ego, in this area, is often taken down a peg everytime I actually meet someone that I have made a preconcieved negitive judgement against...and that person actually turns out to not only be a cool person, but a good friend. This also proves to me that just because I think something, that doesn't make it true, accurate or right. This is a major issue for me, one that consistently holds me back in social circles, and in life overall.

The problem in this area, among many, is that I have absolutely zero accountability in it. I never have any checks on these thoughts, no one is inside my head while I think them and I am very good at hiding them, and acting nice. If I voice them, I come across as a jerk, so I often keep them to myself. I do not have the apparent ability to deal with them on my own, to fight them, to tell myself that it is wrong to be egotistical and judge other's weaknesses or differences in light of my falsely percieved strengths. It's wrong, but I am often too weak and I eagerly accept the fact that "it's the way I am and I cannot change".

So there is the quandry of my situation. I am too weak to change on my own, too spiritually weak to trust God with them, and at the same time no one can help me with them because I do not have anyone that I can really talk about this with. I have no accountability in my thought life. Thoughts are not just an issue of lust or misplaced affection for me, they are what shape how I view everything...they affect every aspect of my life...so I hide them. I don't want to hide them, I want help. I can't fix this issue on my own. I need help. I don't know where to turn with them. I'm afraid that if I go to people with what I'm really thinking that I'll be thought of as a jerk, a bad person, an unlikable person...rejected. I fear rejection...it is my absolute greatest fear.

The friends, who also served as spiritual guides in my life, that I've had from the past few years that I could talk about stuff like this with are gone...married, in the army, moved back to another country etc...The friends I have now with which I can discuss things like this openly are spiritual peers, they have problems in their own life that they have to figure out and me trying to use them to fix my own (which I have sometimes done) would be (and is) wrong...and would make it harder for them to deal with the problems in their life. I need a spiritual leader in my life but I have such a hard time accepting leadership.

So I'm stuck...at least in my mind I am, and I don't know what to do I feel hopeless. All of my negitivity only leads to a hopeless feeling.

- Jordan