Or mabye the title would be better put as "Bus Rider of Doom".
My limited experence with the Capital Metro buses, Austin's fairly superb public bus system, have been interesting. Austin has a great bus system yes, but it also has a lot of really weird people that ride on that bus system, making any trip on the bus a pretty interesting one.
Of course, there was the time the bus freakin broke down. It was the route 30 bus that runs from Downtown to the Barton Creek Mall. I decided to take it to the Zilker Park area while I had new tires put on my car (ironically, the cost was identical to that of the ipod that I don't own). I stood with a bunch of people who were late for work, and waited for another one. Fortunately I didn't have to work until 7. An interesting thing about the breakdown is that it was one of the newest buses.
Then there's tonight, which features the continuance of my car’s apparently chronic case of breaking down, always a completely different problem than the one that had been fixed six weeks earlier. I left it at work, hoping that the skills of a car-genius known as "Matt" will magically heal it in the next few days, and walked to the nearest bus stop (about a mile and a half). I took that to Guadalupe so I could get on the "1" bus that goes straight to my apartment. I don't mind riding the bus, I'm not really afraid of "weird" people. However, things on the bus got a little too weird. After stopping at 6th and Congress the bus was near seating capacity, a couple of people were standing. I sat, quietly and peacefully reading the paper when I heard the bus driver, a thirty-something African-American woman (who, by the skilled administrative tone in her voice, has certainly done some parenting in her life) telling a couple of riders to settle down. I looked across the aisle to see two older men, one far older, both apparently either drunk or needing to be, shouting at each other. Apparently some argument between the two was spilling into a shouting match…essentially a verbal cockfight. One guy emphatically stating that he was a Vietnam veteran, while the other obviously older guy shouting that he was a Korean War Veteran (since it happened earlier on America’s timeline, I guess it means he’s better or something)…It was sad but I, and almost everyone else, were getting a little uneasy, the Hispanic guy next to them especially so. I had already had a long day so I stepped off the bus, and then back on when I saw that one of the guys had gotten off the bus. The older guy told the bus driver that it wasn’t his fault, saying “he started it”, in the same way that I did to my mom when I was six, and pointing at the younger vet. The younger vet then dated himself, and his logic, by blaming it on the “Mexican” guy. I guess that makes sense if you’re an apparent alcoholic and grew up in the 50’s.
The long and the short of the story is that they were separated, and the rest of the ride home was noticeably quiet. It was a really interesting thing to observe. It’s got me thinking a great deal about life, bitterness, and the human condition. I guess I should get used to this sort of think if I’m going to Los Angeles this summer.
- Jordan
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Pope Benedict XVI
My thoughts on the choice of Archbishop John Ratzinger as the new pope:
I'm not Catholic so it doesn't affect me all that much but I was personally hoping that would go with someone who's less of a hardliner (but still not too compromising). I kind of thought one of the Latin American candidates would have been good for the church too allthough from what I'm reading it seems that Cathloics there are overall happy with the choice, espeically due to his adherence to traditionalist orthodoxy. He seems like a good guy but I'm not a huge fan of some of the archaic policies. Time does change things. I'm not talking about having someone who would be a leftist, because if church actions stray from church teaching then there would be less unity and more division, I think.
I hope that he will reach out to Protestant groups the way that John Paul II did...but from some of his statements it sounds like he'll be less likely to do that. I believe the two main groups have made phenomenal reconcilitory progress in the past few decades (just look at the unilaterally positive response to "The Passion of the Christ" from both groups), but there is still a great deal to be done. From a Protestant perspective I think that it is possible because ultimately Catholics and Protestants agree on the single most importiant point (and I believe, the only crucial point to the Christian faith...the unified response to the "Passion" proves this) which is of course Salvation though the death and ressurection of Jesus. Beyond that though, the two sides have some extremely significant differences. I really don't want to see the relashonship between the two main parts of the Church to regress when so much has been done to reverse a bitter and divided history.
- Jordan
I'm not Catholic so it doesn't affect me all that much but I was personally hoping that would go with someone who's less of a hardliner (but still not too compromising). I kind of thought one of the Latin American candidates would have been good for the church too allthough from what I'm reading it seems that Cathloics there are overall happy with the choice, espeically due to his adherence to traditionalist orthodoxy. He seems like a good guy but I'm not a huge fan of some of the archaic policies. Time does change things. I'm not talking about having someone who would be a leftist, because if church actions stray from church teaching then there would be less unity and more division, I think.
I hope that he will reach out to Protestant groups the way that John Paul II did...but from some of his statements it sounds like he'll be less likely to do that. I believe the two main groups have made phenomenal reconcilitory progress in the past few decades (just look at the unilaterally positive response to "The Passion of the Christ" from both groups), but there is still a great deal to be done. From a Protestant perspective I think that it is possible because ultimately Catholics and Protestants agree on the single most importiant point (and I believe, the only crucial point to the Christian faith...the unified response to the "Passion" proves this) which is of course Salvation though the death and ressurection of Jesus. Beyond that though, the two sides have some extremely significant differences. I really don't want to see the relashonship between the two main parts of the Church to regress when so much has been done to reverse a bitter and divided history.
- Jordan
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Work
I was talking with a former co-worker who just got back from spending a few weeks in a place known as Italy. While catching up with her I mentioned that I was working alot and said "work is a part of my life right now"...to which she replied: "It's probably going to be that way the rest of your life". 'Good point', I thought.
Work is a part of life, a big one...and except for an extremely slim minority of aristocratic history, humans have had to work, alot...often just to survive. In my case, I'm fortunte that work means just paying rent, bills, car expenses, and food...the fortunte part is that none of those things (except for food, which I would still be able to get in some way) directly affect my survival...only less crucial stuff like school and hanging out.
This has been on my mind because I have been working a lot lately. Well, 30 hours a week is a lot when you're in the midst of the most busy part of the college semseter as well. I'm tired, tired of doing things and yet I have to and will always have to. If I don't do things my life will be a waste and that's something I don't ever want to happen.
Work is a part of life, a big one...and except for an extremely slim minority of aristocratic history, humans have had to work, alot...often just to survive. In my case, I'm fortunte that work means just paying rent, bills, car expenses, and food...the fortunte part is that none of those things (except for food, which I would still be able to get in some way) directly affect my survival...only less crucial stuff like school and hanging out.
This has been on my mind because I have been working a lot lately. Well, 30 hours a week is a lot when you're in the midst of the most busy part of the college semseter as well. I'm tired, tired of doing things and yet I have to and will always have to. If I don't do things my life will be a waste and that's something I don't ever want to happen.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Tom Delay
I recently realized that my political views have in a subtle way become very independent. They are some what in flux as I am learning and thinking about what I think and believe a great deal. I take a more conservative stance on some issues, and a more liberal one on others...which I guess makes me a moderate, I declared myself to be an independent. Moderation is a huge change for me considering my background. One of the people that has encouraged this moderation is House Majority Leader Tom Delay (R-Sugar Land).
In Delay you have someone that I truly despise, a career politician, a seemingly and increasingly corrupt politician (read the link, which like most stories will probably be dismissed by Delay and his conservative allies as "the partisan liberal media" trying to attack him)...the more I read and the more I learn the more I believe that Delay is not only capable of ethics violations, I would be shocked, knowing the ruthless, dog eat dog partisan way that he operates, if he isin't guilty of even more.
This is a man that bullied the Texas Legislature into a rare mid-decade redistricting plan, and was open and proud of the fact that it was a purely partisan attempt to elect as many Republcan congressmen as possible, with absolutely no reguard to the representation rights of voters in communities that have been literally torn apart in a congressional represnation sense. "We're trying to elect as many Republicans as possible"...the opposition did everything they could to stop it but it passed and has so far survived legal challanges (but faces many more).
The worst victim of course, is Austin, punished for it's liberal voting patterns. Austin is now offically the largest city in America that is not truly represented in Washington. Lloyd Doggett is the only legistator based in Austin, and his "fajita district", one of three, streches all the way to McAllen. The rest of the city is split between four other districts, one that streches to Houston and the other to New Mexico. I'm surpsied Delay didn't just push for a resoultion authorizing the President to use military force against the city. It's so bad that I couldn't tell by looking at the state map, which district I live in. It happened to be Doggett's, other parts of the city are represented by people who don't know or don't care about Austin. It wasn't until I moved to Austin (from San Marcos) last summer that I realized how absolutely wrong this is...and I'm not even a Democrat. Honestly I find the divisional, polarized, obsessive, rampant partisan nature of our Government for which Delay is the poster boy, increasingly infuriating.
Delay cares only about his party...not about his Country, not about the people he represents. Really, I think he just cares about his self-righteous self. Good job Tom, your the number one reason that his person from an extremely conservative background and community no longer will even consider idenfifying himself with your party.
And now Delay is being snowed under with reports that he's broken countless ethics rules...and I hope they bury him.
That's my political rant of the week.
- Jordan
In Delay you have someone that I truly despise, a career politician, a seemingly and increasingly corrupt politician (read the link, which like most stories will probably be dismissed by Delay and his conservative allies as "the partisan liberal media" trying to attack him)...the more I read and the more I learn the more I believe that Delay is not only capable of ethics violations, I would be shocked, knowing the ruthless, dog eat dog partisan way that he operates, if he isin't guilty of even more.
This is a man that bullied the Texas Legislature into a rare mid-decade redistricting plan, and was open and proud of the fact that it was a purely partisan attempt to elect as many Republcan congressmen as possible, with absolutely no reguard to the representation rights of voters in communities that have been literally torn apart in a congressional represnation sense. "We're trying to elect as many Republicans as possible"...the opposition did everything they could to stop it but it passed and has so far survived legal challanges (but faces many more).
The worst victim of course, is Austin, punished for it's liberal voting patterns. Austin is now offically the largest city in America that is not truly represented in Washington. Lloyd Doggett is the only legistator based in Austin, and his "fajita district", one of three, streches all the way to McAllen. The rest of the city is split between four other districts, one that streches to Houston and the other to New Mexico. I'm surpsied Delay didn't just push for a resoultion authorizing the President to use military force against the city. It's so bad that I couldn't tell by looking at the state map, which district I live in. It happened to be Doggett's, other parts of the city are represented by people who don't know or don't care about Austin. It wasn't until I moved to Austin (from San Marcos) last summer that I realized how absolutely wrong this is...and I'm not even a Democrat. Honestly I find the divisional, polarized, obsessive, rampant partisan nature of our Government for which Delay is the poster boy, increasingly infuriating.
Delay cares only about his party...not about his Country, not about the people he represents. Really, I think he just cares about his self-righteous self. Good job Tom, your the number one reason that his person from an extremely conservative background and community no longer will even consider idenfifying himself with your party.
And now Delay is being snowed under with reports that he's broken countless ethics rules...and I hope they bury him.
That's my political rant of the week.
- Jordan
When You Wake Up I'll Be Gone
The Get Up Kids, one of my all time favorite bands (you've probably seen me wearing the shirt) are breaking up. It's sad, for me at least, but they've had a great 10 year run and I finally got to see them last year. Their music has meant alot to me. They will be missed.
They appreciated their fans so much, wrote genuine music, were class acts..espeicially Matt Pryor (lead singer), played an incredible live show, and appreciated their fans like few other bands do (repeated for emphasis).
I'm really pretty sad about the news. I have so many good memories attached to their music. The music world needs more bands that have the qualites that this band has.
Thanks for the music and the memories guys.
- Jordan
They appreciated their fans so much, wrote genuine music, were class acts..espeicially Matt Pryor (lead singer), played an incredible live show, and appreciated their fans like few other bands do (repeated for emphasis).
I'm really pretty sad about the news. I have so many good memories attached to their music. The music world needs more bands that have the qualites that this band has.
Thanks for the music and the memories guys.
- Jordan
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Expletives and Explinations
Much in the same way America lost the race to put a man in space to the Soviets, by waiting too long to take the risk to act on their capabilities and ideas...so I have also lost the race, of sorts, to write a post on the topic of profanity to Michael Warren Rice.( http://dailyrice.blogspot.com/ ) Losing to Mr. Rice is not necessarily an insulting thing of course, but still, I hate to lose.
I have a problem with profanity. I say problem in the sense that in a culturally realitive way whenever I react to stress, anger, shock, suprise, disapointment and related things by dropping a random set of cutting expletives. This problem has actually worsened in the past couple of years. I am by no means a "casual" swearer, and the colorfulness of my language is a pretty direction reflection of how I am on the "happiness/sadness" scale. I tend to show restraint when I am around people that I want to like me (which is most people), but it seems that my ability to restrain myself even around them is getting weaker.
There is the question of what is profanity, and is it wrong? Or is it merely wrong because a culture says it is so...and does this in turn make it wrong? I can't answer that question. I don't know enough to, I can't assume anything. All I know is that this is a "problem" for me, and I need to correct it but I don't seem willing to take a step in that direction.
More on this coming soon.
I have a problem with profanity. I say problem in the sense that in a culturally realitive way whenever I react to stress, anger, shock, suprise, disapointment and related things by dropping a random set of cutting expletives. This problem has actually worsened in the past couple of years. I am by no means a "casual" swearer, and the colorfulness of my language is a pretty direction reflection of how I am on the "happiness/sadness" scale. I tend to show restraint when I am around people that I want to like me (which is most people), but it seems that my ability to restrain myself even around them is getting weaker.
There is the question of what is profanity, and is it wrong? Or is it merely wrong because a culture says it is so...and does this in turn make it wrong? I can't answer that question. I don't know enough to, I can't assume anything. All I know is that this is a "problem" for me, and I need to correct it but I don't seem willing to take a step in that direction.
More on this coming soon.
San Marcos, Drink It In, It Always Goes Down Easy. Founded By the Germans in 1905...
Another post, another Anchorman related title...but the similarities between the names of San Marcos and San Diego (mainly the word San, a name which scholars maintain the translation to was lost centuries ago...allright I'll stop, eventually)
This, if you haven't guessed yet, is a post about San Marcos. I have been wanting to write about this subject (San Marcos) for a long time. I have lived there (Sophmore/Junior year of Texas State...2003-04), and I chose to leave it, as many Texas State upperclassmen do, to live in Austin this year for various reasons...mainly oppurtunities to make money and support myself and the expenses necessary for remaining in school (rent/food/etc)...but also for other reason.
So here, uncensored and unabridged, is my dialouge on San Marcos. Enjoy.
---
I like San Marcos...for the most part. I'll admit to that. I lived there on campus at Texas State University and despite the smallness of the town (and the realitive largeness of the school in the middle of it) I got along pretty well. I guess I'm starting with the things that I like about the place because I don't want this to be construed as a bitter and negitive rant and giving the impression that I hate the town...I definitely don't.
San Marcos is a beautiful town...by Texas standards it's a very beautiful town. It's the antithesis of the city I grew up around, Temple...which was an allright place but like most Texas towns it's very spread out, suburbanized and rather plain and boring. San Marcos is definitely not...it's dense, scenic, and clean. The buildings in San Marcos basically look really nice, and most notably it's on the edge of the beautiful Texas Hill Country. San Marcos has a special feel to it. It has a great deal of potentinal. This post isin't about Texas State (allthough as a part of San Marcos, Texas State is a part of what I am talking about) but I'll say that the campus is very beautiful as well. My favorite college campus in Texas that I've visited...well, I'm biased. I like UT alot...espeically the area around UT...definitely when compared with the dictionary definition of an ugly campus that sprawls across College Station (sorry Dan, I couldn't resist the oppurtunity).
Other good things, for a town of 35,000 San Marcos has a good number of cool places to hang out, great parks, a couple of cool coffee shops, nearby outdoor stuff, and of course, the river. But, as with any smaller town, it's saving grace, at least to a city-loving person like myself, is it's proximity to a much larger and far more dynamic and interesting city...Austin. Downtown Austin is only 25 miles away and that was always the number one thing I would mention when people would ask me if I liked it in San Marcos. "It's really cool, downtown Austin is only 25 miles away" I would state. It sounds like an insult (but it's really not) when I say that the best thing about San Marcos is Austin. In my opinion that's the truth and I'll explain it toward the end of this post.
But then there is a cauldron of rather ugly issues that lie beneath the quaint surface of the town. I think I'm going to speak to these in another post that will likely be titled "What's Wrong With San Marcos?". The living in Austin versus San Marcos as a Texas State Student issue, an issue that is often met with silence by most in the community, will be dealt with in another entry as well. I have my reasons for my decision to live in Austin, and I have theories as to why thousands and thousands of fellow upperclassmen have made the same decision, and they are theories that do not reflect well on San Marcos. I'll leave this one as a nice, sunny, and for the most part positive post about a generally nice town.
This, if you haven't guessed yet, is a post about San Marcos. I have been wanting to write about this subject (San Marcos) for a long time. I have lived there (Sophmore/Junior year of Texas State...2003-04), and I chose to leave it, as many Texas State upperclassmen do, to live in Austin this year for various reasons...mainly oppurtunities to make money and support myself and the expenses necessary for remaining in school (rent/food/etc)...but also for other reason.
So here, uncensored and unabridged, is my dialouge on San Marcos. Enjoy.
---
I like San Marcos...for the most part. I'll admit to that. I lived there on campus at Texas State University and despite the smallness of the town (and the realitive largeness of the school in the middle of it) I got along pretty well. I guess I'm starting with the things that I like about the place because I don't want this to be construed as a bitter and negitive rant and giving the impression that I hate the town...I definitely don't.
San Marcos is a beautiful town...by Texas standards it's a very beautiful town. It's the antithesis of the city I grew up around, Temple...which was an allright place but like most Texas towns it's very spread out, suburbanized and rather plain and boring. San Marcos is definitely not...it's dense, scenic, and clean. The buildings in San Marcos basically look really nice, and most notably it's on the edge of the beautiful Texas Hill Country. San Marcos has a special feel to it. It has a great deal of potentinal. This post isin't about Texas State (allthough as a part of San Marcos, Texas State is a part of what I am talking about) but I'll say that the campus is very beautiful as well. My favorite college campus in Texas that I've visited...well, I'm biased. I like UT alot...espeically the area around UT...definitely when compared with the dictionary definition of an ugly campus that sprawls across College Station (sorry Dan, I couldn't resist the oppurtunity).
Other good things, for a town of 35,000 San Marcos has a good number of cool places to hang out, great parks, a couple of cool coffee shops, nearby outdoor stuff, and of course, the river. But, as with any smaller town, it's saving grace, at least to a city-loving person like myself, is it's proximity to a much larger and far more dynamic and interesting city...Austin. Downtown Austin is only 25 miles away and that was always the number one thing I would mention when people would ask me if I liked it in San Marcos. "It's really cool, downtown Austin is only 25 miles away" I would state. It sounds like an insult (but it's really not) when I say that the best thing about San Marcos is Austin. In my opinion that's the truth and I'll explain it toward the end of this post.
But then there is a cauldron of rather ugly issues that lie beneath the quaint surface of the town. I think I'm going to speak to these in another post that will likely be titled "What's Wrong With San Marcos?". The living in Austin versus San Marcos as a Texas State Student issue, an issue that is often met with silence by most in the community, will be dealt with in another entry as well. I have my reasons for my decision to live in Austin, and I have theories as to why thousands and thousands of fellow upperclassmen have made the same decision, and they are theories that do not reflect well on San Marcos. I'll leave this one as a nice, sunny, and for the most part positive post about a generally nice town.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
I'm Completely Miserable San Marcos: An Open Letter To My Friends at Texas State University
Note: The title of this post is an Anchorman reference, and for the most part is intended in a joking matter...I am not, personally "completely miserable"...I highly recommend seeing the film if you haven't yet, then you'll understand many of the things that I say.
Dear friends,
This is a GENERAL letter, not written to any one person, but to a GROUP. As a rule, please do not take anything that is said here personally, because none of it is meant personally, at all. The goal of this is to just be honest and hopefully give a better understanding of where I am coming from on stuff, and of my situation, and how I feel about things.
First off, I apprecaite and love all of you guys very much. If I didn't, I wouldn't be hanging out with you. In fact, I wouldn't be writing this. In this entry I am going to be completely honest. I am not going to censor myself in anyway.
My time is a very valuable to me. I have a lot to do. It takes far more effort for me to hang out with people than it does for the average student. I'm taking upper level classes, working 20-30 hours a week to pay ALL of my bills, living in Austin so I can have that job to pay rent and stay in school and future internship, and trying to maintain a very high G.P.A. that I'm assuming will help me out in the long run. At the same time, I'm trying to keep up with what is an often fragile (or so it seems) relashonship with God...and raising money to go to L.A. this summer is already taking a great deal of time. This dosen't leave me with a lot of free time...so if I'm spending it with you, that means a lot, or at least to me it means a lot, or else I wouldn't be doing it. Many of my friends do not need to work, are taking basic classes still or do not devote as much time to studying as I do...which gives them much more time to hang out and in general I theorize that their supply/demand ratio of free time makes it much easier for them to "get to know" other people and hang out with them. In short...in comparison to me I think it is just hard for some people to realize how devoted I really am to all of my friends and how importiant I think they are. Because I'm around a little less, but to be around that much takes so much concentrated effort. I have to plan out way in advance when I can spend time with people. It's not the way I want it, but it's the way it is.
When I don't feel accepted in return, it hurts. I need acceptance...of course I shouldn't be looking for it anywhere but from God...but I do...because I'm human and I'm wired in that flawed way. I understand that I have my share of shortcomings, that I can be hard-headed, critical, that my personality is one rooted in dominance, that I like to be in charge, that I can say offensive things without thinking, that I am very self-centerd...but that doesn't change the fact that I deeply want to feel accepted. I want people to meet me where I am and accept me? Is that so difficult? What am I doing wrong? I need to know. What needs to change?...I often do not realize when I am doing something wrong until somebody TELLS me...if no one tells me I assume they haven't cared about me and that is the reason. When I don't get invited to things, when I have to go way out of my way to find out what is going on, it doesn't exactly strengthen my fragile self-esteem and my finely tuned sense of acceptance...or the lack thereof. I love communication and fellowship, but only if it is reciprocated. If it is not, then I am quickly discouraged and I'm life with two options: lash out or withdraw. As temporarily satisfying as lashing out would be, I usually choose withdrawl, or worse, passive agressive actions designed to manipulate and hurt the people that I feel have shunned me.
I've been told that the problem is internal...and ulimately it is. But this doesn't mean that it cannot be positively affected by EXTERNAL sources. Many of the major behavioral changes that I have experenced in my life can be traced back to a single moment of a friend caring enough to tell me about something...just a simple sentence in most cases can spark a revolution in my personality. Only a simple act of compassion and real genuine love is often enough to help me change.
I understand that I don't often listen enough...that's why sometimes it takes several times of someone telling me something for me to act on it. However, I am becoming a better listener and in this area I am going to naturally listen because I am clueless on what to do about it.
I've been told that I need to do more to be involved and "get to know" people in the group...but how much more can I do? I crave fellowship and community so badly that I sacrifice much needed study time, much needed sleep, gas, money, whatever to hang out with "the group" and to spend time getting to know them. I shouldn't be required to personally know everyone in CRU for example, in order to be invited to something that involves over 20 people in the group, 10 of whom are likely to be good friends of mine. As much as the internal nature of the problem that I have is the dominant reason, this doesn't justify anything. I still want to be loved, I still want to be accepted...and I don't believe there is anything wrong with that and I don't think I should feel bad for wanting that, or for feeling hurt when I sense that I am contenually rejected and essentially given little value as percieved by the group as a whole.
Please, again, do not think I am speaking personally to anyone. I am smart enough to distinguish between individuals and groups...I am also smart enough to know that most of what I think and feel is a lie...and that I am greatly loved. What I need help with is actions that fight these negitive thoughts, not reenforce them. Not being invited by anyone to Ethan's party (this is no fault of any single person, please don't think I am blaming any single person) is the latest in a series of events that have greatly reenforced my growing sense of self-doubt and negitive thinking that ultimately is also directed at myself. I need to see people making some sort of effort, genuine effort, to make me feel like I am worth something to them...otherwise I am going to become more discouraged in this area. Because I can't make myself stop being this way, I don't have the power to. I need help. I need you guys, I need you guys to show me that I matter to you. I know untimately the only being that I truly NEED to matter to is God, but I am human, I have emotions, I have a sense of self-worth. I am imperfect...I feel that I need approval from my friends and because of this emotionally based "need", I am greatly affected by it. This letter is not about the Friday's party either...allthough that event has served as the catalyst for me writing this because my tolearnace for the status quo has reached it's end as of today. I have felt like this many times, but I haven't expressed it, at least to more than one person...and that is my fault. This all is ultimately my fault and I feel miserable about it.
Please show me that I don't need to jump though any more hoops to feel accepted, included, and loved. Please help me guys. I'm not as emotionally strong as I like to seem. I'm being honest here because it's the only way I think I can truly shed light on what I am feeling here. I have to be vunerable because otherwise how will anyone know? I love you guys, honestly. Otherwise I wouldn't be cutting my already inadaquate amount of sleep that I will get tonight by another hour.
Those of you who read this: Derek, Sean, Micheal etc...I really appreciate you guys. Honestly. I promise this is not directed personally toward any of you guys. It's to everyone in the mass of people that can generally be known as "CRU"...an amazing group of people that I wish I could be fully included and welcomed into someday, instead of the constant limited and peripheral feeling that haunts my association with the group.
- Jordan
Dear friends,
This is a GENERAL letter, not written to any one person, but to a GROUP. As a rule, please do not take anything that is said here personally, because none of it is meant personally, at all. The goal of this is to just be honest and hopefully give a better understanding of where I am coming from on stuff, and of my situation, and how I feel about things.
First off, I apprecaite and love all of you guys very much. If I didn't, I wouldn't be hanging out with you. In fact, I wouldn't be writing this. In this entry I am going to be completely honest. I am not going to censor myself in anyway.
My time is a very valuable to me. I have a lot to do. It takes far more effort for me to hang out with people than it does for the average student. I'm taking upper level classes, working 20-30 hours a week to pay ALL of my bills, living in Austin so I can have that job to pay rent and stay in school and future internship, and trying to maintain a very high G.P.A. that I'm assuming will help me out in the long run. At the same time, I'm trying to keep up with what is an often fragile (or so it seems) relashonship with God...and raising money to go to L.A. this summer is already taking a great deal of time. This dosen't leave me with a lot of free time...so if I'm spending it with you, that means a lot, or at least to me it means a lot, or else I wouldn't be doing it. Many of my friends do not need to work, are taking basic classes still or do not devote as much time to studying as I do...which gives them much more time to hang out and in general I theorize that their supply/demand ratio of free time makes it much easier for them to "get to know" other people and hang out with them. In short...in comparison to me I think it is just hard for some people to realize how devoted I really am to all of my friends and how importiant I think they are. Because I'm around a little less, but to be around that much takes so much concentrated effort. I have to plan out way in advance when I can spend time with people. It's not the way I want it, but it's the way it is.
When I don't feel accepted in return, it hurts. I need acceptance...of course I shouldn't be looking for it anywhere but from God...but I do...because I'm human and I'm wired in that flawed way. I understand that I have my share of shortcomings, that I can be hard-headed, critical, that my personality is one rooted in dominance, that I like to be in charge, that I can say offensive things without thinking, that I am very self-centerd...but that doesn't change the fact that I deeply want to feel accepted. I want people to meet me where I am and accept me? Is that so difficult? What am I doing wrong? I need to know. What needs to change?...I often do not realize when I am doing something wrong until somebody TELLS me...if no one tells me I assume they haven't cared about me and that is the reason. When I don't get invited to things, when I have to go way out of my way to find out what is going on, it doesn't exactly strengthen my fragile self-esteem and my finely tuned sense of acceptance...or the lack thereof. I love communication and fellowship, but only if it is reciprocated. If it is not, then I am quickly discouraged and I'm life with two options: lash out or withdraw. As temporarily satisfying as lashing out would be, I usually choose withdrawl, or worse, passive agressive actions designed to manipulate and hurt the people that I feel have shunned me.
I've been told that the problem is internal...and ulimately it is. But this doesn't mean that it cannot be positively affected by EXTERNAL sources. Many of the major behavioral changes that I have experenced in my life can be traced back to a single moment of a friend caring enough to tell me about something...just a simple sentence in most cases can spark a revolution in my personality. Only a simple act of compassion and real genuine love is often enough to help me change.
I understand that I don't often listen enough...that's why sometimes it takes several times of someone telling me something for me to act on it. However, I am becoming a better listener and in this area I am going to naturally listen because I am clueless on what to do about it.
I've been told that I need to do more to be involved and "get to know" people in the group...but how much more can I do? I crave fellowship and community so badly that I sacrifice much needed study time, much needed sleep, gas, money, whatever to hang out with "the group" and to spend time getting to know them. I shouldn't be required to personally know everyone in CRU for example, in order to be invited to something that involves over 20 people in the group, 10 of whom are likely to be good friends of mine. As much as the internal nature of the problem that I have is the dominant reason, this doesn't justify anything. I still want to be loved, I still want to be accepted...and I don't believe there is anything wrong with that and I don't think I should feel bad for wanting that, or for feeling hurt when I sense that I am contenually rejected and essentially given little value as percieved by the group as a whole.
Please, again, do not think I am speaking personally to anyone. I am smart enough to distinguish between individuals and groups...I am also smart enough to know that most of what I think and feel is a lie...and that I am greatly loved. What I need help with is actions that fight these negitive thoughts, not reenforce them. Not being invited by anyone to Ethan's party (this is no fault of any single person, please don't think I am blaming any single person) is the latest in a series of events that have greatly reenforced my growing sense of self-doubt and negitive thinking that ultimately is also directed at myself. I need to see people making some sort of effort, genuine effort, to make me feel like I am worth something to them...otherwise I am going to become more discouraged in this area. Because I can't make myself stop being this way, I don't have the power to. I need help. I need you guys, I need you guys to show me that I matter to you. I know untimately the only being that I truly NEED to matter to is God, but I am human, I have emotions, I have a sense of self-worth. I am imperfect...I feel that I need approval from my friends and because of this emotionally based "need", I am greatly affected by it. This letter is not about the Friday's party either...allthough that event has served as the catalyst for me writing this because my tolearnace for the status quo has reached it's end as of today. I have felt like this many times, but I haven't expressed it, at least to more than one person...and that is my fault. This all is ultimately my fault and I feel miserable about it.
Please show me that I don't need to jump though any more hoops to feel accepted, included, and loved. Please help me guys. I'm not as emotionally strong as I like to seem. I'm being honest here because it's the only way I think I can truly shed light on what I am feeling here. I have to be vunerable because otherwise how will anyone know? I love you guys, honestly. Otherwise I wouldn't be cutting my already inadaquate amount of sleep that I will get tonight by another hour.
Those of you who read this: Derek, Sean, Micheal etc...I really appreciate you guys. Honestly. I promise this is not directed personally toward any of you guys. It's to everyone in the mass of people that can generally be known as "CRU"...an amazing group of people that I wish I could be fully included and welcomed into someday, instead of the constant limited and peripheral feeling that haunts my association with the group.
- Jordan
Unraveling Conclusions
I've come to a few conclusions in my life...but just because they are conclusions doesn't mean they are the truth, nor are they immune to change.
1. Most actions are done with the perception of others in mind, reguardless of how hard a person tries to avoid this pattern.
2. All human love is conditional.
The second one is the most depressing...and I hope it isin't true.
I've been somewhat consistently depressed lately. That's unusual for my "new self".
1. Most actions are done with the perception of others in mind, reguardless of how hard a person tries to avoid this pattern.
2. All human love is conditional.
The second one is the most depressing...and I hope it isin't true.
I've been somewhat consistently depressed lately. That's unusual for my "new self".
Monday, April 04, 2005
Time to Chill Out, Sonically, With These Laid Back Tunes
I love making mix cds. I also love music that I can chill out to. With that in mind, I've put together a mix of extremely awesome yet chilled out songs to chill out to. For those of you keeping score at home; here is the tracklist.
1. Modest Mouse - Sleepwalkin'(3:23)
2. Elliott Smith - Pitseleh (3:22)
3. Slowreader - Fallen On the World (3:11)
4. American Football - But The Regrets Are Killing Me (3:54)
5. The Appleseed Cast - Bird of Paradise (2:24) (instrumental)
6. The Postal Service - There's Never Enough Time (3:33)
7. The New Amsterdams - Picture In The Paper (2.59)
8. The Weakerthans - One Great City! (2.54)
9. The Shins - New Slang (3:51) (This song always ends up on my mix cds)
10. The Microphones - After N. Young (1:16)
11. American Football - You Know I Should Be Leaving Soon (3:43)(Instrumental)
12. Pedro The Lion - Of Up And Coming Monarchs (3:02)
13. The Get Up Kids - Campfire Kansas (3:03)
14. The Appleseed Cast - A Tree For Trials (1.28)
15. Jimmy Eat World - 12.23.95 (3:53)
16. Death Cab For Cutie - Debate Exposes Doubt (4:36)
Oh yea, Sean (Raybuck), in case you're wondering, this is the cd that I was jamming out to in the car on Sunday...yea, there you have it.
1. Modest Mouse - Sleepwalkin'(3:23)
2. Elliott Smith - Pitseleh (3:22)
3. Slowreader - Fallen On the World (3:11)
4. American Football - But The Regrets Are Killing Me (3:54)
5. The Appleseed Cast - Bird of Paradise (2:24) (instrumental)
6. The Postal Service - There's Never Enough Time (3:33)
7. The New Amsterdams - Picture In The Paper (2.59)
8. The Weakerthans - One Great City! (2.54)
9. The Shins - New Slang (3:51) (This song always ends up on my mix cds)
10. The Microphones - After N. Young (1:16)
11. American Football - You Know I Should Be Leaving Soon (3:43)(Instrumental)
12. Pedro The Lion - Of Up And Coming Monarchs (3:02)
13. The Get Up Kids - Campfire Kansas (3:03)
14. The Appleseed Cast - A Tree For Trials (1.28)
15. Jimmy Eat World - 12.23.95 (3:53)
16. Death Cab For Cutie - Debate Exposes Doubt (4:36)
Oh yea, Sean (Raybuck), in case you're wondering, this is the cd that I was jamming out to in the car on Sunday...yea, there you have it.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Art Is Hard
I guess this is my offical Donald Miller entry. I didn't expect to run into him. I wanted to meet the guy but he had to go somewhere after I saw him speak on Thursday. If you don't know who he is, he's the author of two somewhat profound books called "Blue Like Jazz" and "Searching for God Knows What"...which my friend Michael Rice ( http://dailyrice.blogspot.com/ ) astutely calls: "required reading for the high-school youth group members and semi-cool-20-something Christian types". I first heard about Blue Like Jazz from my friend Jon who at the time was, ironically, co-leading a small group of high school youth along with a semi-cool-20-something christian type at his church (Actually he bordered more on the complete cool side but I'm trying to compliment Rice here on a observational job well done).
Miller spoke this week at the University of Texas. I got to go one night and he was a good speaker, very conversational, funny and insightful, just like his books. I read Searching for God Knows What on the plane back from Seattle a couple of weeks ago and I found it very appropriate subject matter that complimented a lot of the things that I've been mentally restling with in the realms of Christian "religion" and "spirituality" and the importiance of the relashonal aspect of faith...relashonship with God and fellowship, the many things that can be learned, though relashonships with peers.
I didn't get to attend for his final speaking engagement on Friday...so I didn't expect that I would meet him. I mainly just wanted to shake his hand and tell him that I appreciate his books. Today I was working at Mozart's, not thinking about much except rearranging the bakery cases next to the bar. I had been looking down for several minutes trying to finish because we were approaching our normal level of Sunday Afternoon sales activity that can be best described as a feverish. I got things arranged like I wanted and looked up and there just three feet away across the counter was the extremely recognizable face of Don Miller. Now I'm not the type that goes nuts over celebreties, even people who can be described as such in a very loose way within the context of a small like minded group (as defined by Michael Rice above)...but I was nevertheless pretty startled. Suprised enough at least to blurt "holy s--t"...just quietly enough that I don't think he heard it (allthough if he did I would be funny to have those words as the introduction to my first conversation with the man). (My language gets colorful when I am either angry or just suprised (this will be the topic of another thread about a certian character flaw involving my choice of words in certian situations).
To make a long story short (because it really isin't a long story anyway, allthough with all of these parenthetical references it seems to be turning into one)...I got to meet him, tell him that I really appreciate his books, mention that he had meet several friends of mine (which prompted a request that I deliver a shout out for him, so if you guys are reading this and you met him on Friday, he says hi). I also got to make him an espresso shake...and I made sure that it was a good one.
In retrospect I wouldn't have been suprised if he had dropped in during one of the days he was speaking. Miller often speaks and writes glowingly of the time he spends in coffee shops, and we've got the best darn coffee (and setting) in Austin so of course he would show up eventually. I just thought he had left town by now...but hey, it's Austin, I can understand someone staying longer than they had to.
Thus ends my only foray into name dropping for the week.
In case you're curious about the title, it doesn't have anything directly to do with the entry. I'm just listening to Cursive and it's a cool title for a song so I went with it. Allthough I do consider Miller's books to be artistic in the way that they draw from personal experences to make good points, something that is hard to do, just like art. Of course, at Mozart's, I tend to make drinks that are good enough that mabye you could call them art. Derek Eacho, Ethan Graham and Don Miller have all consumed the art of Jordan Stewart this week. If you're thinking that this paragraph is self serving, then you are right. But I'm just joking around...mostly.
- Jordan
Miller spoke this week at the University of Texas. I got to go one night and he was a good speaker, very conversational, funny and insightful, just like his books. I read Searching for God Knows What on the plane back from Seattle a couple of weeks ago and I found it very appropriate subject matter that complimented a lot of the things that I've been mentally restling with in the realms of Christian "religion" and "spirituality" and the importiance of the relashonal aspect of faith...relashonship with God and fellowship, the many things that can be learned, though relashonships with peers.
I didn't get to attend for his final speaking engagement on Friday...so I didn't expect that I would meet him. I mainly just wanted to shake his hand and tell him that I appreciate his books. Today I was working at Mozart's, not thinking about much except rearranging the bakery cases next to the bar. I had been looking down for several minutes trying to finish because we were approaching our normal level of Sunday Afternoon sales activity that can be best described as a feverish. I got things arranged like I wanted and looked up and there just three feet away across the counter was the extremely recognizable face of Don Miller. Now I'm not the type that goes nuts over celebreties, even people who can be described as such in a very loose way within the context of a small like minded group (as defined by Michael Rice above)...but I was nevertheless pretty startled. Suprised enough at least to blurt "holy s--t"...just quietly enough that I don't think he heard it (allthough if he did I would be funny to have those words as the introduction to my first conversation with the man). (My language gets colorful when I am either angry or just suprised (this will be the topic of another thread about a certian character flaw involving my choice of words in certian situations).
To make a long story short (because it really isin't a long story anyway, allthough with all of these parenthetical references it seems to be turning into one)...I got to meet him, tell him that I really appreciate his books, mention that he had meet several friends of mine (which prompted a request that I deliver a shout out for him, so if you guys are reading this and you met him on Friday, he says hi). I also got to make him an espresso shake...and I made sure that it was a good one.
In retrospect I wouldn't have been suprised if he had dropped in during one of the days he was speaking. Miller often speaks and writes glowingly of the time he spends in coffee shops, and we've got the best darn coffee (and setting) in Austin so of course he would show up eventually. I just thought he had left town by now...but hey, it's Austin, I can understand someone staying longer than they had to.
Thus ends my only foray into name dropping for the week.
In case you're curious about the title, it doesn't have anything directly to do with the entry. I'm just listening to Cursive and it's a cool title for a song so I went with it. Allthough I do consider Miller's books to be artistic in the way that they draw from personal experences to make good points, something that is hard to do, just like art. Of course, at Mozart's, I tend to make drinks that are good enough that mabye you could call them art. Derek Eacho, Ethan Graham and Don Miller have all consumed the art of Jordan Stewart this week. If you're thinking that this paragraph is self serving, then you are right. But I'm just joking around...mostly.
- Jordan
Observations on Driving Patters/The Circle(s) of Life
(Keep reading and stick with this one, I promise that it has a real point and resolves itself toward the end)
Every few weeks or so, a seemingly unimpactful five or six word sentence has a profound effect on the way that I think.
I was riding in my car today in San Marcos with my good friend Sean. As we approached a traffic light; Sean made the following comment: “You have really weird driving patterns”. I guess I do, in fact, I definitely do. However, if this is to have any real reason or point, I need to put it in context.
We had just finished with “Bobcat Build”…an amazing and huge community service project at Texas State involving something like 1,000 students and a huge orchestrated effort to send the students to various projects around the modestly sized community. Sean and I worked with the CRU group. Our project was painting the interior of a building that is home to an after school program for at risk youth. There were between 30 and 35 of us so the job went fast and we ended up playing Dodgeball as the paint was drying. Free hot dogs (a food product that will be the subject of a future entry on how some cultures tend to view food in certain other cultures as disgusting) were being served at the Bobcat Stadium we returned to the meeting site at the Bobcat Village apartments. It was along the route between there and the stadium that Sean made his (mostly likely unintentionally) profound comment.
I guess some familiarity with the urban geography of San Marcos is needed to understand, well, the urban geography in San Marcos. Essentially, the route I took to the stadium was a little longer, and completed a circle, which prompted Sean to make the comment. He’s an observant guy, he observed that I’ve often driven “in circles”, so to speak. I always enter the apartment complex where he lives though one entrance and I always leave though the other, which creates a circuitous route. I plan almost all of my road trips in a similar way, something I mentioned to Sean in acknowledgement that his observation was correct. My Spring Break trip included a long road trip which created a very well rounded circle on the map spanning 4 states and 2 Canadian provinces. I tend to follow this “weird” pattern whether I’m driving across international borders or simply visiting a friend’s apartment. When I’m navigating for a friend as they drive, and they miss a turn, my most frequently offered solution is to “circle the block”…I would rather do that then try to turn around and go back the way I came. One thing I despise on a trip is taking the same route twice when a different route (that’s not too much of a detour) can be taken on the return leg of the journey. I occasionally, just for whatever reason, drive though the west gate of my apartment complex even though my building is located right next to the east gate and it’s (no exaggeration here) a one mile drive around the circumference of the complex. I don’t follow this route nearly as often, because it’s ridiculous, but the fact that I’ve even gone this far a couple of times is telling that this really is persistent pattern. Essentially, the basic conclusion is that I like driving in circles.
The operative word in the previous sentence is “basic”. About 30 minutes later I was walking with Sean and other members of our group. Then I stopped. What he said had revealed something very precise and very important about myself that I had thought about at times, but had never truly realized the scope of how it governs my actions. I like resolution. This preference for resolution affects a holistic range of the decisions that I make. I used to state that I like finishing things, and that is true, I like when something, a task I have, or a bad song on the radio, is done. Today I realized that is a small part of my personality in comparison to the tenet that acts as an umbrella shading many aspects of my actions, decisions and personality. I like resolution. I drive in circles because, in a purely geographical sense, circles resolve. I like albums that can best be described as great albums, not merely as a collection of good songs, because the different tracks tie together and the album resolves at the end (for a good example of this, listen to album entitled “Progress” by the RX Bandits). I enjoy the sound of jazz but cannot pay too much attention to it or I become quickly frustrated at the lack of resolution. I, for the most part, dislike arguments but I love when they end in a peaceful resolution of acceptance of each side’s mutual right to exist and have opinions. I love the moment in a sporting event when the game clock reaches zero and a clear winner is determined. No more is this resolution so sharp than in the climactic goal in sudden death overtime of a playoff hockey game…which happens to be my favorite thing in sports…and not coincidentally so. I love finishing projects, so much so that the desire to finish alone motivates me even when it is hard to find enjoyment in any aspect of the processes involved in the project. My desire to accomplish goals, to finish what I start, is often powerful enough to override my often extreme lack of initiative in starting toward those goals.
It’s clear to me at least that a few conventionally formed words linked together in a conventional phrase can have a very unconventional impact. I learn so much from just random conversations about anything. I learn so much from people, just talking to people, about anything. I would love nothing more than to just spend a week in a coffee shop in Central Austin with a few of my best friends talking about anything that comes to mind. As long as we sit in a circle, return from the shop a different way than we came, and, most importantly, all of our conversations resolve at some point.
- Jordan
Every few weeks or so, a seemingly unimpactful five or six word sentence has a profound effect on the way that I think.
I was riding in my car today in San Marcos with my good friend Sean. As we approached a traffic light; Sean made the following comment: “You have really weird driving patterns”. I guess I do, in fact, I definitely do. However, if this is to have any real reason or point, I need to put it in context.
We had just finished with “Bobcat Build”…an amazing and huge community service project at Texas State involving something like 1,000 students and a huge orchestrated effort to send the students to various projects around the modestly sized community. Sean and I worked with the CRU group. Our project was painting the interior of a building that is home to an after school program for at risk youth. There were between 30 and 35 of us so the job went fast and we ended up playing Dodgeball as the paint was drying. Free hot dogs (a food product that will be the subject of a future entry on how some cultures tend to view food in certain other cultures as disgusting) were being served at the Bobcat Stadium we returned to the meeting site at the Bobcat Village apartments. It was along the route between there and the stadium that Sean made his (mostly likely unintentionally) profound comment.
I guess some familiarity with the urban geography of San Marcos is needed to understand, well, the urban geography in San Marcos. Essentially, the route I took to the stadium was a little longer, and completed a circle, which prompted Sean to make the comment. He’s an observant guy, he observed that I’ve often driven “in circles”, so to speak. I always enter the apartment complex where he lives though one entrance and I always leave though the other, which creates a circuitous route. I plan almost all of my road trips in a similar way, something I mentioned to Sean in acknowledgement that his observation was correct. My Spring Break trip included a long road trip which created a very well rounded circle on the map spanning 4 states and 2 Canadian provinces. I tend to follow this “weird” pattern whether I’m driving across international borders or simply visiting a friend’s apartment. When I’m navigating for a friend as they drive, and they miss a turn, my most frequently offered solution is to “circle the block”…I would rather do that then try to turn around and go back the way I came. One thing I despise on a trip is taking the same route twice when a different route (that’s not too much of a detour) can be taken on the return leg of the journey. I occasionally, just for whatever reason, drive though the west gate of my apartment complex even though my building is located right next to the east gate and it’s (no exaggeration here) a one mile drive around the circumference of the complex. I don’t follow this route nearly as often, because it’s ridiculous, but the fact that I’ve even gone this far a couple of times is telling that this really is persistent pattern. Essentially, the basic conclusion is that I like driving in circles.
The operative word in the previous sentence is “basic”. About 30 minutes later I was walking with Sean and other members of our group. Then I stopped. What he said had revealed something very precise and very important about myself that I had thought about at times, but had never truly realized the scope of how it governs my actions. I like resolution. This preference for resolution affects a holistic range of the decisions that I make. I used to state that I like finishing things, and that is true, I like when something, a task I have, or a bad song on the radio, is done. Today I realized that is a small part of my personality in comparison to the tenet that acts as an umbrella shading many aspects of my actions, decisions and personality. I like resolution. I drive in circles because, in a purely geographical sense, circles resolve. I like albums that can best be described as great albums, not merely as a collection of good songs, because the different tracks tie together and the album resolves at the end (for a good example of this, listen to album entitled “Progress” by the RX Bandits). I enjoy the sound of jazz but cannot pay too much attention to it or I become quickly frustrated at the lack of resolution. I, for the most part, dislike arguments but I love when they end in a peaceful resolution of acceptance of each side’s mutual right to exist and have opinions. I love the moment in a sporting event when the game clock reaches zero and a clear winner is determined. No more is this resolution so sharp than in the climactic goal in sudden death overtime of a playoff hockey game…which happens to be my favorite thing in sports…and not coincidentally so. I love finishing projects, so much so that the desire to finish alone motivates me even when it is hard to find enjoyment in any aspect of the processes involved in the project. My desire to accomplish goals, to finish what I start, is often powerful enough to override my often extreme lack of initiative in starting toward those goals.
It’s clear to me at least that a few conventionally formed words linked together in a conventional phrase can have a very unconventional impact. I learn so much from just random conversations about anything. I learn so much from people, just talking to people, about anything. I would love nothing more than to just spend a week in a coffee shop in Central Austin with a few of my best friends talking about anything that comes to mind. As long as we sit in a circle, return from the shop a different way than we came, and, most importantly, all of our conversations resolve at some point.
- Jordan
Friday, April 01, 2005
Question Three: "Why Would Jesus Be A Democrat/Why Would Jesus Be A Republican?"
This is one of the least importiant debates that we could have, yet it garners so much attention. People naively spout of some policy that proves Jesus's American political party affiliation. I will now illustrate how ridiculious this really is.
Most commonly in this part of this country, people see Jesus as a leading firebrand Southern Baptist conservative giving a speech at the G.O.P. convention about something called moral values and protecting the Upper Middle Class suburban family from losing tax dollars to lower class inner city people who, as the God of the Universe, obviously dosen't love as much because they don't have as much material stuff...later that week Jesus Christ (R-Texas) is shown on Fox News taking a break from turning water into sparking grape juice to ride his Elephant (he's not a democrat, remember) into the palm branch covered streets of Washington D.C. to help pass an 11th hour Constitutional Amendendment banning gay marrage, because that's why he died on the cross and was ressurected remember?...to keep gay people from getting married. The next day, he's baptized in the Potomac by Tom DeLay and a dove descends from heaven and hands DeLay a check for five million dollars so he can keep doing the Lord's work. He spends days in the White House planning his Second Coming, the word "Shock and Awe" is used as many times as divinely possible, he promises to use divinely guided smart bombs that will spare American citizens while he dispenses the divine justice that the rest of the World diserves. Of course the rest of his time on Capitol Hill is spent fighting for the removal of environmental restrictions on industries, because stewardship wasn't meant to be applied to creation, and material wealth is more importiant. A high wealth disparity is a biblical principle too, remember that parable about the one guy getting ten talents, while the other guy got five and the last guy got one, probably because he's lazy, the kind of person that liberals would want to give a free ride on welfare, but not Jesus. Wealth should trickle down from the wealthy to the middle and lower classes, if they work hard enough for their talent, of course this is much more work than the guy who got ten talents should be required to do, but that's because God has blessed him more so he doesn't have to work hard or worry about those who are poorer. This is because that is how God's love works, it's showered on the wealthy, and then it gradually trickles down to the middle and lower classes.
However, some invision a liberal Democratic Jesus standing behind a podium announcing a "War on Poverty", which, of course unlike LBJ's, would work...because hey, he's Jesus. His other accomplishments include dismantaling the crimial justice system saying: "Judge not or you too will be judged"...and then signing an affidavit renouncing all of the things that he said that made it into the Bible that dealt with consequences for sin. Jesus (D-Canada) signs a treaty saying that when he comes back to Earth he agrees not to ride into battle on a white horse with a huge sword, without first seeking the approval of the United Nations, and the support of Heaven's European allies. He signs massive tax increases for the weathly because the equal distribution of wealth suddently matters to Him. He is a pro-choice feminist because He somehow forgot to mention in the Bible that life doesn't begin until exactly nine months after conception, and that women are exactly like men in every way, they were just made to look, think and act differently...but saying so is not politically correct so Jesus keeps that on the down low. He authors a bill that gives preference in addmittance to heaven to non-whites because without government help they are less capable of following God than whites, but at his press conference he doesn't mention that, instead he states that as victims of hardship perpetrated by whites, Affirmative Salvation makes up for this, because decisions based on skin color are fine as long as they even out before the End Times. He dosen't believe that the book that He authored is completely factual and should be interpeted literally. Most of it is up for man to interpet the way he wants because he really didn't write it anyway, he just had a bunch of ghostwriters claim that he told them what to write.
I'm having a lot of generalized fun at the expense of this pointless, misguided and stupid debate...but I am also trying to hammer home how absolutely absurd this question is...how absoultely absurd it is to try to shape God to fit your political agenda. Yes, I'm using somewhat exaggerated generalizations, but they are not the the most exaggerated, or generalized things that have ever been said. As absurd as they sound, I have heard something to each effect from the mouths of various politicans and activists. I wish these were isolated incidents, but they're not, not in America...this is the philosophy that runs much of our Government...from the White House to City Councils. This is the frightening assumption of countless Christians who can't seperate their stance on Tax Policy from Theology.
I'm not saying any of this to attack anyone's political beliefs. I am at a poltical identity crisis right now myself...and this issue is the main catalyst actually. I don't think that the self-serving platforms of either party, or minor parties, are divinely inspired nor do I think that God can be manipulated into support any agenda. This is the one question that does not need to be answered. But it most definitely needs to be addressed. I will explain the political side to my thoughts in other threads. I just want people to open their eyes to what they are doing...to the way that they are abusing the Biblical message, and how counter-productive the akward forced marrage of politics and religion has been.
I was glad to see that, on the board, many people felt the same way that I do. It gives me hope for my generation, that they might be willing to break this destructive trend.
- Jordan
Most commonly in this part of this country, people see Jesus as a leading firebrand Southern Baptist conservative giving a speech at the G.O.P. convention about something called moral values and protecting the Upper Middle Class suburban family from losing tax dollars to lower class inner city people who, as the God of the Universe, obviously dosen't love as much because they don't have as much material stuff...later that week Jesus Christ (R-Texas) is shown on Fox News taking a break from turning water into sparking grape juice to ride his Elephant (he's not a democrat, remember) into the palm branch covered streets of Washington D.C. to help pass an 11th hour Constitutional Amendendment banning gay marrage, because that's why he died on the cross and was ressurected remember?...to keep gay people from getting married. The next day, he's baptized in the Potomac by Tom DeLay and a dove descends from heaven and hands DeLay a check for five million dollars so he can keep doing the Lord's work. He spends days in the White House planning his Second Coming, the word "Shock and Awe" is used as many times as divinely possible, he promises to use divinely guided smart bombs that will spare American citizens while he dispenses the divine justice that the rest of the World diserves. Of course the rest of his time on Capitol Hill is spent fighting for the removal of environmental restrictions on industries, because stewardship wasn't meant to be applied to creation, and material wealth is more importiant. A high wealth disparity is a biblical principle too, remember that parable about the one guy getting ten talents, while the other guy got five and the last guy got one, probably because he's lazy, the kind of person that liberals would want to give a free ride on welfare, but not Jesus. Wealth should trickle down from the wealthy to the middle and lower classes, if they work hard enough for their talent, of course this is much more work than the guy who got ten talents should be required to do, but that's because God has blessed him more so he doesn't have to work hard or worry about those who are poorer. This is because that is how God's love works, it's showered on the wealthy, and then it gradually trickles down to the middle and lower classes.
However, some invision a liberal Democratic Jesus standing behind a podium announcing a "War on Poverty", which, of course unlike LBJ's, would work...because hey, he's Jesus. His other accomplishments include dismantaling the crimial justice system saying: "Judge not or you too will be judged"...and then signing an affidavit renouncing all of the things that he said that made it into the Bible that dealt with consequences for sin. Jesus (D-Canada) signs a treaty saying that when he comes back to Earth he agrees not to ride into battle on a white horse with a huge sword, without first seeking the approval of the United Nations, and the support of Heaven's European allies. He signs massive tax increases for the weathly because the equal distribution of wealth suddently matters to Him. He is a pro-choice feminist because He somehow forgot to mention in the Bible that life doesn't begin until exactly nine months after conception, and that women are exactly like men in every way, they were just made to look, think and act differently...but saying so is not politically correct so Jesus keeps that on the down low. He authors a bill that gives preference in addmittance to heaven to non-whites because without government help they are less capable of following God than whites, but at his press conference he doesn't mention that, instead he states that as victims of hardship perpetrated by whites, Affirmative Salvation makes up for this, because decisions based on skin color are fine as long as they even out before the End Times. He dosen't believe that the book that He authored is completely factual and should be interpeted literally. Most of it is up for man to interpet the way he wants because he really didn't write it anyway, he just had a bunch of ghostwriters claim that he told them what to write.
I'm having a lot of generalized fun at the expense of this pointless, misguided and stupid debate...but I am also trying to hammer home how absolutely absurd this question is...how absoultely absurd it is to try to shape God to fit your political agenda. Yes, I'm using somewhat exaggerated generalizations, but they are not the the most exaggerated, or generalized things that have ever been said. As absurd as they sound, I have heard something to each effect from the mouths of various politicans and activists. I wish these were isolated incidents, but they're not, not in America...this is the philosophy that runs much of our Government...from the White House to City Councils. This is the frightening assumption of countless Christians who can't seperate their stance on Tax Policy from Theology.
I'm not saying any of this to attack anyone's political beliefs. I am at a poltical identity crisis right now myself...and this issue is the main catalyst actually. I don't think that the self-serving platforms of either party, or minor parties, are divinely inspired nor do I think that God can be manipulated into support any agenda. This is the one question that does not need to be answered. But it most definitely needs to be addressed. I will explain the political side to my thoughts in other threads. I just want people to open their eyes to what they are doing...to the way that they are abusing the Biblical message, and how counter-productive the akward forced marrage of politics and religion has been.
I was glad to see that, on the board, many people felt the same way that I do. It gives me hope for my generation, that they might be willing to break this destructive trend.
- Jordan
Question Two: "What Are The Paths To God?"
Almost any Christian, reguardless of demonination or affiliation, will give the same answer...but without really thinking about it. Of course I believe that answer as well, but we almost assume that it is so easily understandable that all we need to do is say it the way we learned in evangelism class...and it will be an effective answer. To a skeptical and unbelieving world (two states of mind that I understand very well) it's not, it's too easy, too simple, too unbeliveable...but untimately it's too true. Despite it's truth we tend to relate it in a ho-hum "yeah he's the real deal...I guess" sort of way. We need to be strongly grounded in our most central and crucial Biblical beliefs...we need to answer this question for ourselves and answer it as if we are truly convinced. Miller's main point this evening was that despite all of our theology and explinations and points and lists, the ultimate dynamic of our salvation comes though the simple precept of our relashonship with God...it's a relashonal dynamic that is the crucial point...but we try to make it so much more (I will talk about this in a future entry because it represents the culmination of hours of frustration over religion and actions versus my relashonship with God). Miller related a story of a girl that came up to him and asked him "Why can you say that Jesus is the answer? Why haven't you studied other religions just as much as Christiantity before coming to this conclusion". Miller's answer: "If I've fallen in love with a woman, I don't need to sleep with fifty others to know that she is the one". Very simple, sharp, but very true. In our search for closeness with God we have done so many things to make the path to God more complicated, more filled with rules and tricks to master. We've taken the simple task of a spiritual relashonship and turned it into a system where we need to become neo-pharasees in order to be a Christian. Nothing could be farther from the teachings of Christ.
Question One: How Has God Blessed You?
This question is importiant mainly because, while we try to make God fit our plans and agendas, we rarely seem to recognize His direct work in the good things that happen in our lives. This is the section of the board that, naturally, had the most positive atmosphere and responses. For the time being I am going to give more attention to the other questions, because they are much more rarely asked in evangelical circles.
Questions that Need to be Addressed More than they Need to be Answered
My previous entry did not resolve itself. That was my full intention. Where does that resolution happen? Usually an answer is given that points to religion (in this I'm including Christianity)...however, that's not the answer I'm going to embrace here.
Tonight I went to hear Donald Miller, the author of two good and somewhat profound books (Blue like Jazz and Searching for God Knows What), speak...and he did. This post isin't necessarily about that however (allthough I will address some of his posts in other entries because many of them oddly parallel conclusions that I am begining to reach about the concepts behind...in general...the religious aspects of "Christiantity"). I read the second book on the plane back from Seattle, and it helped being together many of the countless mind boggling thoughts that went though my head on that trip. So no disservice meant to Mr. Miller...he was a good speaker and I have plenty to say about topics that he specifically addressess in a future post (and in those posts I will make more of an effort to shorten any parenthetical references which have tended to run a little long in this entry).
My focus for this entry is something that gained much of my attention at Gregory Plaza this evening, before Don Miller spoke. It was a huge board, set up along the sidewalk, a board with large words written in English in with many different colored pens and markers, by very different people.
The board had four sections. Written across each section was a question. Four total. They are four questions that I believe are crucial to evaluating the entire process of Christian interaction with the world that we have been made to interact with.
Evaluation, whether the subject is theology, politics, evangelism tactics, or even styles of corporate worship, is something that I feel is greatly feared by the christian community. God forbid (pun mostly intended) that we find that we've been wrong about something. The absence of evaluation and critical examinations of the "church" lends it to methods of religious action that are archaic, ineffective, and most importiantly, equally as spiritually unfullfilling as the things that I mentioned in the previous entry. Each of the four questions highlights the general theme of subjects that I hopefully will devote entire entries to.
Tonight I went to hear Donald Miller, the author of two good and somewhat profound books (Blue like Jazz and Searching for God Knows What), speak...and he did. This post isin't necessarily about that however (allthough I will address some of his posts in other entries because many of them oddly parallel conclusions that I am begining to reach about the concepts behind...in general...the religious aspects of "Christiantity"). I read the second book on the plane back from Seattle, and it helped being together many of the countless mind boggling thoughts that went though my head on that trip. So no disservice meant to Mr. Miller...he was a good speaker and I have plenty to say about topics that he specifically addressess in a future post (and in those posts I will make more of an effort to shorten any parenthetical references which have tended to run a little long in this entry).
My focus for this entry is something that gained much of my attention at Gregory Plaza this evening, before Don Miller spoke. It was a huge board, set up along the sidewalk, a board with large words written in English in with many different colored pens and markers, by very different people.
The board had four sections. Written across each section was a question. Four total. They are four questions that I believe are crucial to evaluating the entire process of Christian interaction with the world that we have been made to interact with.
Evaluation, whether the subject is theology, politics, evangelism tactics, or even styles of corporate worship, is something that I feel is greatly feared by the christian community. God forbid (pun mostly intended) that we find that we've been wrong about something. The absence of evaluation and critical examinations of the "church" lends it to methods of religious action that are archaic, ineffective, and most importiantly, equally as spiritually unfullfilling as the things that I mentioned in the previous entry. Each of the four questions highlights the general theme of subjects that I hopefully will devote entire entries to.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Fugazi, Metro, The University of Texas, The American Dream
What do these things have in common? Not much...but they all share a part of my evening. I'm going to go in reverse order. As with most days recently I've had so much to think and process that I have a hard time centralizing on a single thing to write about. I've tried just writing about everything at once, but that usually ends in disaster.
I'm currently listening to Fugazi while writing at the Metro coffee shop type place (24 hours and very bright, which is good for studying so I think I've found a good study spot, it would be nicer if I went to UT but that's a topic of another entry)
That knocks out two of the things in my title, well, three. I've also established my location across the street from the dynamic campus known as UT. It's a facinating place...I interact with hundreds of UT students a day when I'm at work...but that interaction rarely goes beyond "what can I get for you, small or large, did you say you want that decaf?, would you like whipped cream on that, yea it's really good with it, here's your change, thank you very much/take it easy/thanks man etc..." I don't really know very many of then, yet I live in Austin. The issue there of course is I attend another school...in the same area, but in a way detached. For the purpose of my plans and my life I have attached the two, and so have thousands of other people.
Did I mention that UT is dynamic? There are many uses for that word, and almost all of them describe the school. Such a diverse population, literally the entire planet is represented here. The ideas here are progressive, perhaps too progressive for the real world. So many people, searching. It's not unlike Texas State in that respect, but where the students are looking for answers are though more varied means here. Right next door the Church of Scientology attempts to answer those questions for students, and some students believe that the answers are next door. My uncle did, and he disapeared for two years, reappeared, moved to LA, got married, has a succesful job and a seemingly happy life. I guess he found those answers, or mabye not...no now that I think about it no amount of outward visable success can guarantee true happiness. In fact, now that I think about it, virtually nothing in the physical world can. However there are 6.4 billion people on this planet that spend their lives trying to find it...some do, but it's almost never found in a gated community, in the polling place, behind door number three or in a shoe contract.
Our "manifest destined" material drivern unfettered mega-capitalist society...for all of his precedent shattering enormity and hype, has never made a single person truly happy. I know that is the truth, but it's hard to imagine, as a human with a human brain wanting to do human things, how that is. For many people, what we have is the theoretical secret to life. The "American Dream", which, as far as I can tell, includes at least most if not all of the following: A house in a safe suburban neighborhood with a fully occupied two car garage and another slightly used but good looking car for the oldest of your 2.3 kids that just turned 16 parked out on the street, nearby schools that are ranked "above satisfactory" by state standards, a green lawn that in certian parts of the country takes gallons of water from a seemingly infinite supply to maintain, closets full of more clothes than will ever be worn, plenty of entertianment oriented objects displaying the latest distractions from pop culture in a liquid crystal display with surround sound, membership in a nice church that meets in a shiny new building with a huge electronic sign out front that attracts the attention from other typically nice looking suburbanites who are commuting on what is...of course...the outermost loop around the city...a church where you can go and feel good about yourself and not have to worry about sin or the poor or being generous and honest without expecting something in return, season tickets to at least one local pro sports team, a couple of yellow ribbon car magnets kept in a drawer so that in the event that the one on the Chevy Tahoe falls off it can quickly be replaced before a member of the family begins to feel unpatriotic and guilty for not doing more to support the troops...wherever the hell they are...while at the same time being thankful that they won't have to worry about either of their kids going off to some who knows where country because that's what poor kids are supposed to do because they have no other option."...that, in a nutshell, is the image I think of when I think of the "American Dream"...but nothing I listed above has the power to make someone truly happy. Some of the most unhappy and suicidal teenagers grow to be that way when they realize that the suburban promise of the "American Dream" doesn't do anything beyond making their pointless lives more generally physically comfortable than the immigrant family that just moved in fifteen miles down the freeway toward downtown.
I'm currently listening to Fugazi while writing at the Metro coffee shop type place (24 hours and very bright, which is good for studying so I think I've found a good study spot, it would be nicer if I went to UT but that's a topic of another entry)
That knocks out two of the things in my title, well, three. I've also established my location across the street from the dynamic campus known as UT. It's a facinating place...I interact with hundreds of UT students a day when I'm at work...but that interaction rarely goes beyond "what can I get for you, small or large, did you say you want that decaf?, would you like whipped cream on that, yea it's really good with it, here's your change, thank you very much/take it easy/thanks man etc..." I don't really know very many of then, yet I live in Austin. The issue there of course is I attend another school...in the same area, but in a way detached. For the purpose of my plans and my life I have attached the two, and so have thousands of other people.
Did I mention that UT is dynamic? There are many uses for that word, and almost all of them describe the school. Such a diverse population, literally the entire planet is represented here. The ideas here are progressive, perhaps too progressive for the real world. So many people, searching. It's not unlike Texas State in that respect, but where the students are looking for answers are though more varied means here. Right next door the Church of Scientology attempts to answer those questions for students, and some students believe that the answers are next door. My uncle did, and he disapeared for two years, reappeared, moved to LA, got married, has a succesful job and a seemingly happy life. I guess he found those answers, or mabye not...no now that I think about it no amount of outward visable success can guarantee true happiness. In fact, now that I think about it, virtually nothing in the physical world can. However there are 6.4 billion people on this planet that spend their lives trying to find it...some do, but it's almost never found in a gated community, in the polling place, behind door number three or in a shoe contract.
Our "manifest destined" material drivern unfettered mega-capitalist society...for all of his precedent shattering enormity and hype, has never made a single person truly happy. I know that is the truth, but it's hard to imagine, as a human with a human brain wanting to do human things, how that is. For many people, what we have is the theoretical secret to life. The "American Dream", which, as far as I can tell, includes at least most if not all of the following: A house in a safe suburban neighborhood with a fully occupied two car garage and another slightly used but good looking car for the oldest of your 2.3 kids that just turned 16 parked out on the street, nearby schools that are ranked "above satisfactory" by state standards, a green lawn that in certian parts of the country takes gallons of water from a seemingly infinite supply to maintain, closets full of more clothes than will ever be worn, plenty of entertianment oriented objects displaying the latest distractions from pop culture in a liquid crystal display with surround sound, membership in a nice church that meets in a shiny new building with a huge electronic sign out front that attracts the attention from other typically nice looking suburbanites who are commuting on what is...of course...the outermost loop around the city...a church where you can go and feel good about yourself and not have to worry about sin or the poor or being generous and honest without expecting something in return, season tickets to at least one local pro sports team, a couple of yellow ribbon car magnets kept in a drawer so that in the event that the one on the Chevy Tahoe falls off it can quickly be replaced before a member of the family begins to feel unpatriotic and guilty for not doing more to support the troops...wherever the hell they are...while at the same time being thankful that they won't have to worry about either of their kids going off to some who knows where country because that's what poor kids are supposed to do because they have no other option."...that, in a nutshell, is the image I think of when I think of the "American Dream"...but nothing I listed above has the power to make someone truly happy. Some of the most unhappy and suicidal teenagers grow to be that way when they realize that the suburban promise of the "American Dream" doesn't do anything beyond making their pointless lives more generally physically comfortable than the immigrant family that just moved in fifteen miles down the freeway toward downtown.
Monday, March 28, 2005
Moderation
Is a good thing and I've decided to embrace it. More on this later I'm just putting this here so I remember to write about it.
- Jordan
- Jordan
Saturday, March 26, 2005
26 things I don't like about Texas
A couple of disclaimers here:
One - I generally like Texas, and often talk about the things that I like about the state
Two - Texas is a huge state, very few things can be true of the entire state so alot of what I'm saying are extreme generalizations.
Here goes:
1) People driving ridiculiously huge vehicles
2) Too many people claiming that it's the best place on Earth (it's not)
3) So many people who claim to hold "conservative" political views...mainly because their parent's do...and George W. is their "homeboy".
4) A culture that makes, in a lot of places, Christianity a "thing to do" and nothing more.
5) The hyper-suburbanization of the State...espeically in Dallas-Fort Worth and double-espeically in Houston.
6) Houston
7) In general the Eastern fourth of the State...the one part of the state that tries hard to identify itself with the awful, backward, ignorant, closed minded phenomenon that is/was the "old south"...while the rest of the State strives to allign itself with the progressive vision of the modern Southwest.
8) Texas A&....DAN KINIRY IS AN AWESOME HUMAN BEING!!!
9) The utter disreguard for the environmental future of the State (this of course excludes Austin).
10) Tom Delay
11) The marrage of academics and athletic preformance, as well as people measuring schools purely on the proformace of their athetic teams...espeically in football...and giving academics very little reguard when choosing a school
12) The Houston Texans and the illegitimate arrogance of their fans...I mean, they're the last people in the sports world that should be arrogant about anything.
13) Truck commericals by Detroit-based Domestic auto manufacters that all but insult the state's intellegence and appeal to the lowest common hick denominator
14) The people who buy all of the huge trucks that make those annoying commericals a "success"
15) People buying huge trucks when they don't need them...espeically common among East Texans, but prevelent in any rural area of the State
16) Waco, the worst city in Texas over 100,000 people (I've been to all of them except Beaumont...from what I've heard about Beaumont though it might give Waco a run for this title).
17) Legalism in many of the state's churches
18) The frightening marrage of politics (The Republican Party) and religon (The church in Texas).
19) The idealogical homogeniety that dominates many parts of the state.
20) The crappy states that border Texas (I mean, when New Mexico is the best state that borders your state...that really sucks)
21) The lack of any semblence of good mass transit systems (exceptions are the DART light rail in Dallas and the good bus system in Austin)
22) The archaic rules that shape the State's government.
23) The disgustingly political redistricting plan that made Austin the largest city in the U.S. without true congressional represntation just because it votes a way that Tom Delay doesn't agree with.
24) The lottery, damn you Ann Richards for unleashing this plague on our state and lying to us saying that it would exclusivley fund the state's school system.
25) Texas Tech fans.
26) The outright worship of High School Football...I'm as big a football fan as the next guy...but it gets just too ridiculous here.
One - I generally like Texas, and often talk about the things that I like about the state
Two - Texas is a huge state, very few things can be true of the entire state so alot of what I'm saying are extreme generalizations.
Here goes:
1) People driving ridiculiously huge vehicles
2) Too many people claiming that it's the best place on Earth (it's not)
3) So many people who claim to hold "conservative" political views...mainly because their parent's do...and George W. is their "homeboy".
4) A culture that makes, in a lot of places, Christianity a "thing to do" and nothing more.
5) The hyper-suburbanization of the State...espeically in Dallas-Fort Worth and double-espeically in Houston.
6) Houston
7) In general the Eastern fourth of the State...the one part of the state that tries hard to identify itself with the awful, backward, ignorant, closed minded phenomenon that is/was the "old south"...while the rest of the State strives to allign itself with the progressive vision of the modern Southwest.
8) Texas A&....DAN KINIRY IS AN AWESOME HUMAN BEING!!!
9) The utter disreguard for the environmental future of the State (this of course excludes Austin).
10) Tom Delay
11) The marrage of academics and athletic preformance, as well as people measuring schools purely on the proformace of their athetic teams...espeically in football...and giving academics very little reguard when choosing a school
12) The Houston Texans and the illegitimate arrogance of their fans...I mean, they're the last people in the sports world that should be arrogant about anything.
13) Truck commericals by Detroit-based Domestic auto manufacters that all but insult the state's intellegence and appeal to the lowest common hick denominator
14) The people who buy all of the huge trucks that make those annoying commericals a "success"
15) People buying huge trucks when they don't need them...espeically common among East Texans, but prevelent in any rural area of the State
16) Waco, the worst city in Texas over 100,000 people (I've been to all of them except Beaumont...from what I've heard about Beaumont though it might give Waco a run for this title).
17) Legalism in many of the state's churches
18) The frightening marrage of politics (The Republican Party) and religon (The church in Texas).
19) The idealogical homogeniety that dominates many parts of the state.
20) The crappy states that border Texas (I mean, when New Mexico is the best state that borders your state...that really sucks)
21) The lack of any semblence of good mass transit systems (exceptions are the DART light rail in Dallas and the good bus system in Austin)
22) The archaic rules that shape the State's government.
23) The disgustingly political redistricting plan that made Austin the largest city in the U.S. without true congressional represntation just because it votes a way that Tom Delay doesn't agree with.
24) The lottery, damn you Ann Richards for unleashing this plague on our state and lying to us saying that it would exclusivley fund the state's school system.
25) Texas Tech fans.
26) The outright worship of High School Football...I'm as big a football fan as the next guy...but it gets just too ridiculous here.
Bombarded with Thoughts
I came back from the break overwhelmed with so many ideas, thoughts, musings and what have you. I was excited, because I had so many things to write about.
But I'm realizing that they're all so jumbled in my mind that I can't possibly focus on one of them...and it's frustrating, because so much is going on in my head right now and I need to share it.
I had a good talk with a friend the other day about many of those thoughts...but even still I'm lost in the fray.
So much to think about, I can hardly concentrate on a single thing.
- Jordan
But I'm realizing that they're all so jumbled in my mind that I can't possibly focus on one of them...and it's frustrating, because so much is going on in my head right now and I need to share it.
I had a good talk with a friend the other day about many of those thoughts...but even still I'm lost in the fray.
So much to think about, I can hardly concentrate on a single thing.
- Jordan
Monday, March 21, 2005
Post Trip: I Saw So Many Freakin Trees That My Retina Nearly Exploded
I'm back, I landed last night. A few things are very apparent...Central Texas is much flatter than the Pacific Northwest, and there are fewer trees, far fewer...and they are not nearly so huge.
Also, it's a lot warmer here.
I digress...alot, so I would not be able to talk about the whole trip in a single post. I'm planning on writing several of them based on my experences.
Not counting airport stopovers I visited 4 states, two (Canadian) provinces, and we drove 2,037 miles on our hardcore roadtrip of rockage 2K5.
I made the trip with my good friend Dan Bakken who grew up with me in Temple, Texas but now lives in Idaho where he goes to school at New St. Andrews College...in Seattle we stayed with his very nice and hospitable grandparents who happened to live right next to the airport.
Places visited:
Seattle - Rocks without question, except people drive much much slower there than I'm used to. Nice town, very green, lots of trees and water and more trees and nearby mountians. The city has a great vibe, not unlike Austin in that respect. everything is developed with space in mind which I like. My friend and I were walking and just randomly walked by the Sub Pop office. Very cool. It was suprisingly hard to find a good independent coffee place...I guess Seattle is more of a mecca for Corporate coffee than coffee in general now. The Space Needle was an expensive trip but worth the view.
I was doing cool stuff from the moment I landed. Dan picked me up and ferried me around town to give me a sense of the place, which it did. We went back to his grandparents house and they fed us dinner. Dan's grandparents are awesome to say the least...they had plenty of hospitiality to share. We went out and drove around town again, hanging out and stuff. We went downtown. Saw a street fight involving a couple dozen people. Seattle is surpsingly not a very active town at night, everything closes really early, that was suprising.
Seattle Day 2 - So much stuff on day 2, too much to write about: We parked downtown and spent the day on foot. It was an unseasonably beautiful day there (or so the locals said...the weather was definitely nice) We went up in the Space needle, found some coffee at this really good place on 4th street, found the Sub Pop office (randomly...which made it even cooler), lunch at Unconventional Pizza...pretty good, visited the Seattle Library which is easily the coolest library building, mabye the coolest building, I've ever seen, met up with some of Dan's friends, went to the Seafood market, the first Starb***s (it was interesting to see where the Evil Empire began), The Waterfront along Puget sound (very cool). For dinner Dan, this cool dude Ryan and I decided to splurge and enjoy life so we went to this place downtown called McCormick and Shmicks...yea it was the most I had ever spent on a single meal but the food was incredible...we had really good times that day. We walked around downtown some more...it was 8 PM and most things were already closed so we decided to call it a night. It had already been a really awesome day.
Vancouver - I've read a few times that Vancouver is considered to be the most beautiful city in North America. After vising, based on the other cities I've visited, I have to agree.
Without question Vancouver lived up to the hype that it recieves. The city is extremely beautiful. Stanley Park is a jewel and West Vancouver is a really cool area. Downtown rocked, that's where our hotel was. The view from just about anywhere there was incredible. The people were VERY nice and friendly. It was like a really beautiful place with people at least as nice as people in Texas.
Dan and I drove up early that morning. Ryan decided to come along and followed along in his car. We had a minor delay at the border, you know, Canadians...just kidding it was pretty routine and it was my first time into Canada and I'm from Texas...I would have stopped myself too. We at first had a hard time finding a bank (to get some Canadian bills)...well, we found a few but they were downtown and parking there is pretty lousy. We got those Canadian bills and went to Stanley Park...we walked around there for a couple of hours, it was pretty enrapturing (is that a word, I think so). Then we drove over to West Vancouver and hung out there. It's a really cool part of town that has a small town feel. Vancouver is beautiful...did I mention that? Mountians right next to the coast, beautiful trees...and for the most part beautiful buildings. The city is very dense by North American standards and fits into it's environment really well. For dinner we went to Boston's Pizza, really good stuff, had some Canadian beer (also good stuff). Ryan decided to stay the night there and we looked around downtown Vancouver. Dan bought a cigar from a certian country that Americans aren't allowed to buy cigars from. Some guy tried to size us up for a good mugging (asking us if we had change to see how much money we had...which wasn't a whole lot and the shop onwer tipped us off as to what he was doing). The shop also sold more bongs and various other paraphenlia than I could possibly have imagined. I'm comfortable in cities, even somewhat rough areas like downtown Vancouver at night. Dan seemed to be much less so but that's understandable we live in very different areas....Vancouver is a beautiful town but it has some problems. Most noticably a major drug/heroin problem. The city is the site for a controversial iniative to give free heroin to addicts in hopes that they won't do dangerous things or O.D. or anything like that...I'm wary of the idea, I will write an entry on it later. It's a city of contrasts, a very diverse city. Overally a very nice city. At least two people asked us if we were looking for weed (which is plentiful and not as criminalized there, but still illegal)...something that I'm used to but Dan wasn't. Interesting times. We went back to the hotel and crashed there. The next morning we left early, but not as early as we wanted to.
British Columbia - We drove right across the place. The Cascades, Kamloops, Revelstoke, Glacier National Park. It rained most of the way but changed to snow at times. B.C. is an extremely beautiful place...probably the most overall beautiful place on the continent.
Calgary - We drove across the Canadian Rockies at night in the snow which was fairly adventurous to say the least. Calgary looked like a nice city but it was cold (8 F).
The Canadian Rockies/Banff National Park - Words cannot describe the incomprehensible beauty of this place.
B.C./Montana/Idaho - We cut though Eastern British Columbia and re-entered the States in Northwest Montana...we drove along this lake there, I forget the name, but it was snowing and everything was white and it was incredible. We cut over to Idaho, stopping to watch an amazing sunset over a large lake, to the quaint little college town of Moscow (Idaho) where my friend goes to school and stayed the night there.
Washington/Oregon/Mt. Saint Helens - Yes, the Mount St. Helens. We drove across the mostly empty expanse to the columbia river. We drove along the Oregon side of the river and things got beautiful again past this town called The Dalles. Oregon struck me as an interesting place, with interesting people (emphasis on interesting), they don't allow you to pump your own gas there. All stations are self-serve, I think it's to promote job creation, I'm not sure...but it was really strange because I've always pumped my own gas. I guess it goes against my independent minded Texas mentality. We drove on to Portland. I would have loved to stop there it looked like a really nice city but we were short on time. We crossed the Columbia (again) and drove up these really beautiful but really windy roads to the St. Helens area. We saw this forest service road on the map that was "closed in winter" but since it had been a dry warm winter we decided to chance it. Well, about 20 miles (and 50 minutes later) down the road a guy from the Forest Service waved us over and told us the road was closed. But, he stopped us right were the best view of the volcano, the side that exploded in 1980, could be seen. It was awesome, beautiful, amazing, watching the sun set there. We took lots of pictures. There was a layer of volcanic ash on the road from recent mini-eruptions, along with snow and some large rocks. We drove back down the road and got on I-5 to Seattle, finally ending a really long road trip.
Vashon Island Washington - The last day we took a ferry with my friend Dan's grandparents to their little cottage on the shore on Vashon Island. Vashon is a beautiful place, a good sized island in Puget Sound. It was a great retreat and a great way to unwind after the eventful stuff from the road trip. I could describe what the Northwest is like but it's hard to if you haven't been there. Not much in Texas gives you a base for visualizing it. Everying is so green. So much stuff grows. I kept asking Dan if certian plants grew there naturally and of course the answer was yet. I was espeically intrigued by the ferns and moss...moss grows everywhere there. We hung out along the shore there even though it was raining pretty consistently and it was colder than I am used to. We took the ferry back, had dinner and I began to pack for the airport.
Seattle Tacoma International Airport - My flight was overbooked. Delta was offering a $400 travel voucher, a free hotel stay, and some other hookups for anyone willing to fly out the next day. I really didn't want to get on the plane that night and I didn't have anything to do in Austin the next day so I volunteered and they put me up in a nearby hotel. My thinking was with all of the adventure on the trip, why not have a little more. I flew back to Austin the next day with no problems...oh, I forgot to mention one part of the deal was that I got to fly first class. That was an unreal experence, something I never thought I would do. Definietly good times.
Very good times.
- Jordan
Also, it's a lot warmer here.
I digress...alot, so I would not be able to talk about the whole trip in a single post. I'm planning on writing several of them based on my experences.
Not counting airport stopovers I visited 4 states, two (Canadian) provinces, and we drove 2,037 miles on our hardcore roadtrip of rockage 2K5.
I made the trip with my good friend Dan Bakken who grew up with me in Temple, Texas but now lives in Idaho where he goes to school at New St. Andrews College...in Seattle we stayed with his very nice and hospitable grandparents who happened to live right next to the airport.
Places visited:
Seattle - Rocks without question, except people drive much much slower there than I'm used to. Nice town, very green, lots of trees and water and more trees and nearby mountians. The city has a great vibe, not unlike Austin in that respect. everything is developed with space in mind which I like. My friend and I were walking and just randomly walked by the Sub Pop office. Very cool. It was suprisingly hard to find a good independent coffee place...I guess Seattle is more of a mecca for Corporate coffee than coffee in general now. The Space Needle was an expensive trip but worth the view.
I was doing cool stuff from the moment I landed. Dan picked me up and ferried me around town to give me a sense of the place, which it did. We went back to his grandparents house and they fed us dinner. Dan's grandparents are awesome to say the least...they had plenty of hospitiality to share. We went out and drove around town again, hanging out and stuff. We went downtown. Saw a street fight involving a couple dozen people. Seattle is surpsingly not a very active town at night, everything closes really early, that was suprising.
Seattle Day 2 - So much stuff on day 2, too much to write about: We parked downtown and spent the day on foot. It was an unseasonably beautiful day there (or so the locals said...the weather was definitely nice) We went up in the Space needle, found some coffee at this really good place on 4th street, found the Sub Pop office (randomly...which made it even cooler), lunch at Unconventional Pizza...pretty good, visited the Seattle Library which is easily the coolest library building, mabye the coolest building, I've ever seen, met up with some of Dan's friends, went to the Seafood market, the first Starb***s (it was interesting to see where the Evil Empire began), The Waterfront along Puget sound (very cool). For dinner Dan, this cool dude Ryan and I decided to splurge and enjoy life so we went to this place downtown called McCormick and Shmicks...yea it was the most I had ever spent on a single meal but the food was incredible...we had really good times that day. We walked around downtown some more...it was 8 PM and most things were already closed so we decided to call it a night. It had already been a really awesome day.
Vancouver - I've read a few times that Vancouver is considered to be the most beautiful city in North America. After vising, based on the other cities I've visited, I have to agree.
Without question Vancouver lived up to the hype that it recieves. The city is extremely beautiful. Stanley Park is a jewel and West Vancouver is a really cool area. Downtown rocked, that's where our hotel was. The view from just about anywhere there was incredible. The people were VERY nice and friendly. It was like a really beautiful place with people at least as nice as people in Texas.
Dan and I drove up early that morning. Ryan decided to come along and followed along in his car. We had a minor delay at the border, you know, Canadians...just kidding it was pretty routine and it was my first time into Canada and I'm from Texas...I would have stopped myself too. We at first had a hard time finding a bank (to get some Canadian bills)...well, we found a few but they were downtown and parking there is pretty lousy. We got those Canadian bills and went to Stanley Park...we walked around there for a couple of hours, it was pretty enrapturing (is that a word, I think so). Then we drove over to West Vancouver and hung out there. It's a really cool part of town that has a small town feel. Vancouver is beautiful...did I mention that? Mountians right next to the coast, beautiful trees...and for the most part beautiful buildings. The city is very dense by North American standards and fits into it's environment really well. For dinner we went to Boston's Pizza, really good stuff, had some Canadian beer (also good stuff). Ryan decided to stay the night there and we looked around downtown Vancouver. Dan bought a cigar from a certian country that Americans aren't allowed to buy cigars from. Some guy tried to size us up for a good mugging (asking us if we had change to see how much money we had...which wasn't a whole lot and the shop onwer tipped us off as to what he was doing). The shop also sold more bongs and various other paraphenlia than I could possibly have imagined. I'm comfortable in cities, even somewhat rough areas like downtown Vancouver at night. Dan seemed to be much less so but that's understandable we live in very different areas....Vancouver is a beautiful town but it has some problems. Most noticably a major drug/heroin problem. The city is the site for a controversial iniative to give free heroin to addicts in hopes that they won't do dangerous things or O.D. or anything like that...I'm wary of the idea, I will write an entry on it later. It's a city of contrasts, a very diverse city. Overally a very nice city. At least two people asked us if we were looking for weed (which is plentiful and not as criminalized there, but still illegal)...something that I'm used to but Dan wasn't. Interesting times. We went back to the hotel and crashed there. The next morning we left early, but not as early as we wanted to.
British Columbia - We drove right across the place. The Cascades, Kamloops, Revelstoke, Glacier National Park. It rained most of the way but changed to snow at times. B.C. is an extremely beautiful place...probably the most overall beautiful place on the continent.
Calgary - We drove across the Canadian Rockies at night in the snow which was fairly adventurous to say the least. Calgary looked like a nice city but it was cold (8 F).
The Canadian Rockies/Banff National Park - Words cannot describe the incomprehensible beauty of this place.
B.C./Montana/Idaho - We cut though Eastern British Columbia and re-entered the States in Northwest Montana...we drove along this lake there, I forget the name, but it was snowing and everything was white and it was incredible. We cut over to Idaho, stopping to watch an amazing sunset over a large lake, to the quaint little college town of Moscow (Idaho) where my friend goes to school and stayed the night there.
Washington/Oregon/Mt. Saint Helens - Yes, the Mount St. Helens. We drove across the mostly empty expanse to the columbia river. We drove along the Oregon side of the river and things got beautiful again past this town called The Dalles. Oregon struck me as an interesting place, with interesting people (emphasis on interesting), they don't allow you to pump your own gas there. All stations are self-serve, I think it's to promote job creation, I'm not sure...but it was really strange because I've always pumped my own gas. I guess it goes against my independent minded Texas mentality. We drove on to Portland. I would have loved to stop there it looked like a really nice city but we were short on time. We crossed the Columbia (again) and drove up these really beautiful but really windy roads to the St. Helens area. We saw this forest service road on the map that was "closed in winter" but since it had been a dry warm winter we decided to chance it. Well, about 20 miles (and 50 minutes later) down the road a guy from the Forest Service waved us over and told us the road was closed. But, he stopped us right were the best view of the volcano, the side that exploded in 1980, could be seen. It was awesome, beautiful, amazing, watching the sun set there. We took lots of pictures. There was a layer of volcanic ash on the road from recent mini-eruptions, along with snow and some large rocks. We drove back down the road and got on I-5 to Seattle, finally ending a really long road trip.
Vashon Island Washington - The last day we took a ferry with my friend Dan's grandparents to their little cottage on the shore on Vashon Island. Vashon is a beautiful place, a good sized island in Puget Sound. It was a great retreat and a great way to unwind after the eventful stuff from the road trip. I could describe what the Northwest is like but it's hard to if you haven't been there. Not much in Texas gives you a base for visualizing it. Everying is so green. So much stuff grows. I kept asking Dan if certian plants grew there naturally and of course the answer was yet. I was espeically intrigued by the ferns and moss...moss grows everywhere there. We hung out along the shore there even though it was raining pretty consistently and it was colder than I am used to. We took the ferry back, had dinner and I began to pack for the airport.
Seattle Tacoma International Airport - My flight was overbooked. Delta was offering a $400 travel voucher, a free hotel stay, and some other hookups for anyone willing to fly out the next day. I really didn't want to get on the plane that night and I didn't have anything to do in Austin the next day so I volunteered and they put me up in a nearby hotel. My thinking was with all of the adventure on the trip, why not have a little more. I flew back to Austin the next day with no problems...oh, I forgot to mention one part of the deal was that I got to fly first class. That was an unreal experence, something I never thought I would do. Definietly good times.
Very good times.
- Jordan
Saturday, March 12, 2005
The Northwest
I probably won't make any entries for the next week or so. I'm going to the Pacific Northwest to take a road trip that my friend Dan Bakken and I have been planning for years. I'm flying to Seattle, staying with his family, then we're driving up to Vancouver British Columbia (Canada), across the Canadian Rockies (weather permitting) to Calgary (where the low temperature is forcast to be -2 F), down though Western Montana to Idaho (where Dan goes to school and we again have a place to stay). And then back to Seattle. Much is planned and I'm very excited. It's the first Spring Break trip I've ever taken.
See you guys next weekend.
- Jordan
See you guys next weekend.
- Jordan
Sunday, March 06, 2005
10 Random Opinionated Thoughts On Life
1) The new Trail of Dead album is disapointing --
It's not that it's bad...but it's just not them and it doesn't really measure up to the greatness of their previous albums. It's more crass, less passionate, more conventional, less loud (in a bad way), more lethargic. I dunno, mabye I'm just too picky when it comes to my favorite bands. Madonna and Source Tags are amazing...so was the EP that came out between Source Tags and this album, it gave me some hope that this album would be part of a contenual improvement.
2) Garden State (the movie) Is overrated --
It's not that, again, it's a bad film, it's pretty good. However, I do not see how it is the greatest film ever made...as some people in a fit of blind obsession have claimed it is. It's simply another movie about another twenty-something guy who doesn't know who he is or where he's going and is trying to find out what those two things are. It's no different than the Graduate in that sense. The film never really resolves, and honestly really isin't that deep. It has some really funny moments, but as an overall film I didn't get into is as much as seemingly everyone else did.
3) The Texas Department of Transportation is absoultely ridiculously stupid for knocking down the Westbound entrance ramp to Ben White between Congress and I-35 --
I guess this is one of those "you have to be there to understand" things.
4) Texas State University students need to start caring more about the school's athletic teams --
Instead of wearing other more prominient athletic school's stuff, we should concentrate on going to our own games, cheering for our own teams, and supporting the program so that someday mabye we can compete with Texas and Texas A&M instead of dreaming or pretending while treating our school like it's a second class instituion...when it's not.
5) Antibiotics leave a weird taste in my mouth --
Everytime I've taken them, I've had the same weird taste. It's weird
6) People seem to use wet weather as an excuse to drive in an unbelievably and irrationally bad way --
Everytime it rains, more people pull in front of me, run red lights, and run stop sings, things that you can't blame on the rain, only on just being thoughtless and careless.
Hey Chris, good to see you in the Blogosphere
7) The "Blogoshpere" is a stupid name, for anything. Blogging is overrated...that could be point 8...
8) Blogging is overrated. Yea, sure it's a new medium where "everyone has a voice"...but a lot of those voices are crappy and full of...well, crap. To think that the average blogger has the same media power as Peter Jennings is just wrong. Peter Jennings is Canadian...who would have thought.
9) Conan O'Brien is a genius and should already be hosting the tonight show instead of Leno.
10) The gas price hikes are purely being manufactured by business and investment instrests to make a profit. Even with increased consumption in China, there's no reason for prices to jump like they have except for the fact that investors are focing them up and holding the economic growth of the U.S. hostage. I would like to think that the Bush Adminstration would do something about it but who am I kidding.
It's not that it's bad...but it's just not them and it doesn't really measure up to the greatness of their previous albums. It's more crass, less passionate, more conventional, less loud (in a bad way), more lethargic. I dunno, mabye I'm just too picky when it comes to my favorite bands. Madonna and Source Tags are amazing...so was the EP that came out between Source Tags and this album, it gave me some hope that this album would be part of a contenual improvement.
2) Garden State (the movie) Is overrated --
It's not that, again, it's a bad film, it's pretty good. However, I do not see how it is the greatest film ever made...as some people in a fit of blind obsession have claimed it is. It's simply another movie about another twenty-something guy who doesn't know who he is or where he's going and is trying to find out what those two things are. It's no different than the Graduate in that sense. The film never really resolves, and honestly really isin't that deep. It has some really funny moments, but as an overall film I didn't get into is as much as seemingly everyone else did.
3) The Texas Department of Transportation is absoultely ridiculously stupid for knocking down the Westbound entrance ramp to Ben White between Congress and I-35 --
I guess this is one of those "you have to be there to understand" things.
4) Texas State University students need to start caring more about the school's athletic teams --
Instead of wearing other more prominient athletic school's stuff, we should concentrate on going to our own games, cheering for our own teams, and supporting the program so that someday mabye we can compete with Texas and Texas A&M instead of dreaming or pretending while treating our school like it's a second class instituion...when it's not.
5) Antibiotics leave a weird taste in my mouth --
Everytime I've taken them, I've had the same weird taste. It's weird
6) People seem to use wet weather as an excuse to drive in an unbelievably and irrationally bad way --
Everytime it rains, more people pull in front of me, run red lights, and run stop sings, things that you can't blame on the rain, only on just being thoughtless and careless.
Hey Chris, good to see you in the Blogosphere
7) The "Blogoshpere" is a stupid name, for anything. Blogging is overrated...that could be point 8...
8) Blogging is overrated. Yea, sure it's a new medium where "everyone has a voice"...but a lot of those voices are crappy and full of...well, crap. To think that the average blogger has the same media power as Peter Jennings is just wrong. Peter Jennings is Canadian...who would have thought.
9) Conan O'Brien is a genius and should already be hosting the tonight show instead of Leno.
10) The gas price hikes are purely being manufactured by business and investment instrests to make a profit. Even with increased consumption in China, there's no reason for prices to jump like they have except for the fact that investors are focing them up and holding the economic growth of the U.S. hostage. I would like to think that the Bush Adminstration would do something about it but who am I kidding.
Big College Werds
Today at work I used the word "frenetic"...but not only did I use it, I used it in context, in a normal situation, in a normal nonchalant fashion and I used it with the full knowledge of what it meant.
My statment: "The past few Sunday afternoons here have been really frenetic".
This brought me to an epiphany of sorts. I realized that the farther along my college "Career" has progressed, the more propensity I have had to use big words to describe things in normal situations where smaller, easier spelled words would have sufficed. I could have just said, "the past few sundays have been freakin' crazy", but nope, I had to drop another big "college word"...as I call them.
It is almost as if my life has become entangled in the strange linguistic world of the "Daily Rice" (see link).
Of course the casual use of an extended vocabulary is a normal thing to me...or at least it seems like it should be. I'm a very verbally minded person pursuing a very verbally oriented degree. The funny thing is that I often try to limit my vocabulary when I'm talking to other people, not because I think they're not as smart, but because I don't want to come across as a "smart ass". I dislike the akward feeling of saying a word that I understand, in context, only to get a weird confused look from the other (often younger) person that I'm talking to. The same thing happens at work when talking to customers...espeically since a good deal of them are from other countries and have somewhat limited (allthough they do a good job with what they have) English skills.
A good example is this entry...I've used some big words in a casual fashion. It's not because I'm trying to in order to sound smart, it's because I'm not putting the usual brakes on the words I use. I'm writing in the way that seems "normal" to me. Often, in order to feel included, I will speak or write in a way that is really not reflective of myself, but of the common denominator of intellectualism that I feel I need to maintain in order to acheive the level of "popularity" or acceptance that I want. I did not realize, until just a few months ago, that I look at intellegence, particularly mine, in an often not so positive light. I think however, that this is a sign of a deeper spiritual problem that I have in the area of self-acceptance and self-image. I'm sure that I will write more on this in the future. Hopefully, I will write about it in a way that more truly reflects the verbally gifted person that God as created me to be.
I just want to be vulnerable. I don't want to worry about what others think of me anymore. I'm tired of it. It's a horrible and restrictive prison.
- Jordan
(p.s., I know that some words that appear in my blog are misspelled, that's because I'm actually just an average speller and I don't run a spell check on my entries. Not sure why, I just don't.)
My statment: "The past few Sunday afternoons here have been really frenetic".
This brought me to an epiphany of sorts. I realized that the farther along my college "Career" has progressed, the more propensity I have had to use big words to describe things in normal situations where smaller, easier spelled words would have sufficed. I could have just said, "the past few sundays have been freakin' crazy", but nope, I had to drop another big "college word"...as I call them.
It is almost as if my life has become entangled in the strange linguistic world of the "Daily Rice" (see link).
Of course the casual use of an extended vocabulary is a normal thing to me...or at least it seems like it should be. I'm a very verbally minded person pursuing a very verbally oriented degree. The funny thing is that I often try to limit my vocabulary when I'm talking to other people, not because I think they're not as smart, but because I don't want to come across as a "smart ass". I dislike the akward feeling of saying a word that I understand, in context, only to get a weird confused look from the other (often younger) person that I'm talking to. The same thing happens at work when talking to customers...espeically since a good deal of them are from other countries and have somewhat limited (allthough they do a good job with what they have) English skills.
A good example is this entry...I've used some big words in a casual fashion. It's not because I'm trying to in order to sound smart, it's because I'm not putting the usual brakes on the words I use. I'm writing in the way that seems "normal" to me. Often, in order to feel included, I will speak or write in a way that is really not reflective of myself, but of the common denominator of intellectualism that I feel I need to maintain in order to acheive the level of "popularity" or acceptance that I want. I did not realize, until just a few months ago, that I look at intellegence, particularly mine, in an often not so positive light. I think however, that this is a sign of a deeper spiritual problem that I have in the area of self-acceptance and self-image. I'm sure that I will write more on this in the future. Hopefully, I will write about it in a way that more truly reflects the verbally gifted person that God as created me to be.
I just want to be vulnerable. I don't want to worry about what others think of me anymore. I'm tired of it. It's a horrible and restrictive prison.
- Jordan
(p.s., I know that some words that appear in my blog are misspelled, that's because I'm actually just an average speller and I don't run a spell check on my entries. Not sure why, I just don't.)
Saturday, March 05, 2005
itunes Top 25 (Response to Paul Wheatley's Entry)
"Ok. I want everyone who reads this to be vulnerable. No editing. No kidding. Post your Top 25 Most Played from your iTunes in the comments section. Just do it. Remark on mine as you deem necessary. I'm ready. Be brutal. Ask questions. Let's make it a dialogue."
Extremely good idea...if you have itunes on your computer...which I do...I've always had it hoping to get an Ipod or something similar...which I haven't...that will be the title of a future entry.
My top 25, as of 03/04/05, no editing:
1. Every Double Life* - The New Amsterdams - Never You Mind - 31 - 12/30/04
2. Transistor - 311 - Transistor - 27 - 2/15/05
3. We Laugh Indoors* - Death Cab for Cutie - 25 - 12/2/05
4. Cosmonaut* - At the Drive In - Relashonship of Command - 24 - 2/9/05
5. 405 (Accoustic) - Death Cab for Cutie - 24 - 12/30/04
6. One By One All Day - The Shins - Oh, Inverted World - 23 - 2/11/05
7. Lockdown - Less than Jake - Losing Streak - 22 - 2/4/05
8. Pretend to Be The Same - Slick Shoes - The Biggest and the Best - 22 - 12/2/04
9. Mistakes and Regrets* - And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead - Madonna - 21 - 11/21/04
10. In Spite of the World* - The Ataris - Blue Skies, Broken Hearts, Next 12 Exits - 21 - 3/1/05
11. Company Calls - Death Cab for Cutie - We Have the Facts and We're Voting Yes - 21 - 2/7/05
12. What Happens Next - Slick Shoes - Burnout - 21 - 2/7/05
13. All My Best Friends Are Metalheads* - Less than Jake - Hello Rockview - 20 - 2/4/05
14. Pepper - Millencolin - Pennybridge Pionners - 20 - 1/17/05
15. San Francisco - Mu330 - s/t - 20 - 2/28/05
16. Responsible - Slick Shoes - Burnout - 20 - 1/24/05
17. A Better Place, A Better Time* - Streetlight Manifesto - Everything Goes Numb - 20 - 2/28/05
18. Look What Happened - Less than Jake - Borders and Boundaries - 19 - 2/9/2005
19. Food (A.K.A. Aren't You Hungry - Reggie and the Full Effect - 19 - 10/27/05
20. For Better, For Worse* - Slick Shoes - Burnout - 19 - 2/4/05
21. A Movie Script Ending - Death Cab For Cutie - The Photo Album - 18 - 12/8/04
22. Erin With An "E"* - The Impossibles - Anthology - 18 - 1/31/05
23. Sugar in Your Gas Tank - Less Than Jake - Losing Streak - 18 - 1/17/05
24. Consequential Apathy* - RX Bandits - Progress - 18 - 12/5/04
25. Fighting In A Sack - The Shins - Chutes Too Narrow - 18 - 2/11/05
*Appears on my all time favorite songs mix...see earlier entry
Some preliminary notes:
It is importiant to remember that I do not have an ipod...this list only represents songs that I've listened to while at my computer. When I'm at my computer I am either studying, blogging, or making mix cds. Thus, my list is biased towards good study songs or songs that are on mix cds that I have made. I occasionaly get "obsessed" with a single song, but most often that happens while I am listening to a cd in the car or on my portable cd player, and not at the computer. However, this does explain why "Tranistor" is at #2, I was just sitting at the computer, putting it on a mix, and I ended up playing it for an hour straght because I was rocking out.
Because I listen mostly to cds, some bands that I listen to more than others are way underrepresented (RX Bandits highest song is #24, but I listen to them as much as anyone, no Mars Volta yet I spent the whole summer listening to them last year). But, if you keep the limitations in line, then this is a pretty good representation of the music I listen to while at the computer. You'll also note that many of the songs are also on my all time favorites mix cd...which can be explained both by the fact that I was listening to them to put on in the right order on the mix, as well as the fact that I can listen to those songs over and over again and not get tired of them.
Extremely good idea...if you have itunes on your computer...which I do...I've always had it hoping to get an Ipod or something similar...which I haven't...that will be the title of a future entry.
My top 25, as of 03/04/05, no editing:
1. Every Double Life* - The New Amsterdams - Never You Mind - 31 - 12/30/04
2. Transistor - 311 - Transistor - 27 - 2/15/05
3. We Laugh Indoors* - Death Cab for Cutie - 25 - 12/2/05
4. Cosmonaut* - At the Drive In - Relashonship of Command - 24 - 2/9/05
5. 405 (Accoustic) - Death Cab for Cutie - 24 - 12/30/04
6. One By One All Day - The Shins - Oh, Inverted World - 23 - 2/11/05
7. Lockdown - Less than Jake - Losing Streak - 22 - 2/4/05
8. Pretend to Be The Same - Slick Shoes - The Biggest and the Best - 22 - 12/2/04
9. Mistakes and Regrets* - And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead - Madonna - 21 - 11/21/04
10. In Spite of the World* - The Ataris - Blue Skies, Broken Hearts, Next 12 Exits - 21 - 3/1/05
11. Company Calls - Death Cab for Cutie - We Have the Facts and We're Voting Yes - 21 - 2/7/05
12. What Happens Next - Slick Shoes - Burnout - 21 - 2/7/05
13. All My Best Friends Are Metalheads* - Less than Jake - Hello Rockview - 20 - 2/4/05
14. Pepper - Millencolin - Pennybridge Pionners - 20 - 1/17/05
15. San Francisco - Mu330 - s/t - 20 - 2/28/05
16. Responsible - Slick Shoes - Burnout - 20 - 1/24/05
17. A Better Place, A Better Time* - Streetlight Manifesto - Everything Goes Numb - 20 - 2/28/05
18. Look What Happened - Less than Jake - Borders and Boundaries - 19 - 2/9/2005
19. Food (A.K.A. Aren't You Hungry - Reggie and the Full Effect - 19 - 10/27/05
20. For Better, For Worse* - Slick Shoes - Burnout - 19 - 2/4/05
21. A Movie Script Ending - Death Cab For Cutie - The Photo Album - 18 - 12/8/04
22. Erin With An "E"* - The Impossibles - Anthology - 18 - 1/31/05
23. Sugar in Your Gas Tank - Less Than Jake - Losing Streak - 18 - 1/17/05
24. Consequential Apathy* - RX Bandits - Progress - 18 - 12/5/04
25. Fighting In A Sack - The Shins - Chutes Too Narrow - 18 - 2/11/05
*Appears on my all time favorite songs mix...see earlier entry
Some preliminary notes:
It is importiant to remember that I do not have an ipod...this list only represents songs that I've listened to while at my computer. When I'm at my computer I am either studying, blogging, or making mix cds. Thus, my list is biased towards good study songs or songs that are on mix cds that I have made. I occasionaly get "obsessed" with a single song, but most often that happens while I am listening to a cd in the car or on my portable cd player, and not at the computer. However, this does explain why "Tranistor" is at #2, I was just sitting at the computer, putting it on a mix, and I ended up playing it for an hour straght because I was rocking out.
Because I listen mostly to cds, some bands that I listen to more than others are way underrepresented (RX Bandits highest song is #24, but I listen to them as much as anyone, no Mars Volta yet I spent the whole summer listening to them last year). But, if you keep the limitations in line, then this is a pretty good representation of the music I listen to while at the computer. You'll also note that many of the songs are also on my all time favorites mix cd...which can be explained both by the fact that I was listening to them to put on in the right order on the mix, as well as the fact that I can listen to those songs over and over again and not get tired of them.
Girls Part I
Girls...so many songs (and albums) have been written by frustrated males on the subject. Among them: Blue Skies, Broken Hearts by the Ataris is a good summnation of my feelings at the moment, mainly because certian songs are about the frustrating part of not getting the girl, rather than just breakup songs. Since I don't have any songwriting tools (or the lack of self-conciousness) at hand, writing a few entries about the subject will have to suffice. Of course, the last thing that music needs is more Carraba-esque girl songs anyway, so God may be sparing the world a favor by limiting my "talent" in this area.
I've come to a young, yet transitional point in my life where I have realized that girls have become such a frustrating subject, an incomprehensible consternation filled subject that my mindset towards the female sex is quickly becoming sharply more masogyinistic (anti-female). This frigtens me, one, because I am not gay, and two, because I'm called to love people, including girls, even the girls that treat me like I'm worthless, won't give me the time of day, think I'm not good enough for them, etc...at least this is the perception that I have of the perception that girls in general have towards me. The problem, while this may not be true, I have yet to see any hard evidence that it is not.
I'm sure the problem ultimately is my fault...due to my personal inadaquacies, failings, weaknesses in my spiritual life...but then of course I often see people with the same failings have success with girls and wonder why I can't have the same.
I've come to a young, yet transitional point in my life where I have realized that girls have become such a frustrating subject, an incomprehensible consternation filled subject that my mindset towards the female sex is quickly becoming sharply more masogyinistic (anti-female). This frigtens me, one, because I am not gay, and two, because I'm called to love people, including girls, even the girls that treat me like I'm worthless, won't give me the time of day, think I'm not good enough for them, etc...at least this is the perception that I have of the perception that girls in general have towards me. The problem, while this may not be true, I have yet to see any hard evidence that it is not.
I'm sure the problem ultimately is my fault...due to my personal inadaquacies, failings, weaknesses in my spiritual life...but then of course I often see people with the same failings have success with girls and wonder why I can't have the same.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Great Oden's Raven! (Weird Week Pt. 2)
Wed...normal day, again. I was pretty tired but otherwise nothing unusual...actually, being tired isin't unusual either. I went to class, worked the crew for the "Bobcat Beat" newscast at Texas State (which went off smoothly even though it was our first time)...went to 242 Group...then it got a little weird. Mike and I went back to Austin right afterward (instead of the usual trip to Commons for dinner) to meet our friend Sarah and a friend of hers. We got some food and went to Mozart's, expecting to meet up with Mike Hagen, Stephanie Jiminez and some random people. I called Mike about 8:30, he said he was on his way he just had to walk to his car. I called him back at 8:45...he hadn't found his car...again at 9:00...still no car...15 minutes later he called and said he was pretty sure it had been stolen. And it was...freakin stolen, right off of the UT campus. I was pretty mad about it, and so was Mike of course. Freakin crap, that was his car...no car I knew could be more identified with it's owner than Mike's SI. Oh well, it's gone and his insurance is going to take care if it, but it's still a definite bummer.
We still got to hang out because Mike wanted to. We went downtown but decided to go back to near UT and we ended up chilling with at the Spider House (a coffee shop near the Drag) for a long time. It was Mike H, Mike C., Stephanie J., this girl Candace and a couple of her friends (they're from A&M). I had a lot of fun at the expense of their school and in Mike's words "stole the show" with my wacky attention grabbing antics. Yeah, I was full of crap but had them all laughing. I was also really tired but aside from that, the car theft thing, and the sheer weirdness, it was an allright night.
Thursday was weird because I worked, instead of going to CRU, which is what I usually do, that threw my entire time frame off.
Friday I watched Dan Reiter, Matt Luna, and J.P. plunge into the San Marcos River in 45 degree weather while riding an H.E.B. shopping cart. Safe to say, that was weird.
- Jordan
We still got to hang out because Mike wanted to. We went downtown but decided to go back to near UT and we ended up chilling with at the Spider House (a coffee shop near the Drag) for a long time. It was Mike H, Mike C., Stephanie J., this girl Candace and a couple of her friends (they're from A&M). I had a lot of fun at the expense of their school and in Mike's words "stole the show" with my wacky attention grabbing antics. Yeah, I was full of crap but had them all laughing. I was also really tired but aside from that, the car theft thing, and the sheer weirdness, it was an allright night.
Thursday was weird because I worked, instead of going to CRU, which is what I usually do, that threw my entire time frame off.
Friday I watched Dan Reiter, Matt Luna, and J.P. plunge into the San Marcos River in 45 degree weather while riding an H.E.B. shopping cart. Safe to say, that was weird.
- Jordan
Friday, February 25, 2005
Knights of Columbus! This Week has been Freakin' Weird
I used to write about personal experences more in my old journal...I've gotten away from that lately but this week is too interesting not to write about.
A breif chronicle of one of the strangest weeks that I have experenced in a long freakin time:
Monday - No class in the morning, so I drove to school in the afternoon which was nice, to say the least. The day was pretty typical for a few hours, I worked on stuff, went to class, went to work. It was upon my arrival for work at Mozart's that things got weird. It was Heather (a cool shift leader). I was walking to clock in when Heather said: "ok Jordan, here's what's going on, we're closing the store (first time in six years that Mozart's has had to involuntarily close)...there was no one in the building and a couple dozen people on the deck who seemed almost as confused as I was. The confusion was probably brought on by the cloud of freon gas that had filled the front part of the store about twenty minutes earlier. Apparently the compressor for the bakery case essentially blew up, and a white cloud of gas filled the area, enveloping Heather...weird...it was her last night and she gets a cloud of freon in the face. A minute later the store was evacuated and my boss was on top of things. We waited outside for over an hour for the stuff to clear out (both Heather and my boss were really dizzy)...it would have probably been safe to reopen the store but in the interest of being safe we didn't...good thing. We got to chill out on the deck telling people that we were closed. I was pleasantly suprised at some of the reactions of people when they found out we were closed (ranging from genuine consternation to yelps of angish)...Mozart's is a very popular and well-loved place. We had a good conversation about that (my boss is a really cool guy)...I'll probably write about Mozart's itself, and mabye even my boss, in a future post. But yea, not an ordinary day at Mozart's and the first day in a weird week.
Tuesday - I ran...weird enough, but it was the distance, and where I ran which was really messed up. Tuesday had, once again, been fairly normal (apparently the weirdness likes to wait until around sunset to kick in), I got home from school. Mike went to work. I decided to take another attempt at jogging, where, as Ron Burgandy pointed out, you just run, for extended periods of time. I downed some gatorade and drove to the Congress Avenue Bridge (parking in the Statesman parking lot). I took off running down the town lake trail hoping that mabye, for the first time ever, I could run three miles without stopping. I ran along, managing to control my pace and breathing I made good progress as I admired all of the other people out trying to add an element of fitness to their lives, or at the very least enjoying the twilight hour in the beautiful city of Austin. Then it got weird...I crossed over the pedistrian bridge and was almost to Mopac when I realized that I still had alot left in the tank. So I kept running...I made it up a hill past Mopac and I realized that if I made it all the way to Mozart's I would have run around five miles...a seemingly impossible feat (but not so impossible...I just lack confidence in my physical abilities)...I had around two miles to go down Lake Austin Blvd...a long and fairly straght street that made the distance longer. I pushed and pushed myself and made it to the traffic light at Redbud Trail...just a few blocks more...I could do it...and I did...disproving myself. I love disproving myself...I was generally proud of myself. For me, running five miles is an olympian feat for me. I stumbled onto the deck at Mozart's...much to the suprise of my co-workers Becky and Matt who were sitting at a table. "I just ran here...*heavy breathing*... from the Congress Avenue Bridge...*more heavy breathing*..." I blurted...then I spent the next 30 minutes just walking around and doing some much deserved panting. Running to Mozart's was a surreal experence...it's out of the way, a place I could never image running to.
To be contenued...
A breif chronicle of one of the strangest weeks that I have experenced in a long freakin time:
Monday - No class in the morning, so I drove to school in the afternoon which was nice, to say the least. The day was pretty typical for a few hours, I worked on stuff, went to class, went to work. It was upon my arrival for work at Mozart's that things got weird. It was Heather (a cool shift leader). I was walking to clock in when Heather said: "ok Jordan, here's what's going on, we're closing the store (first time in six years that Mozart's has had to involuntarily close)...there was no one in the building and a couple dozen people on the deck who seemed almost as confused as I was. The confusion was probably brought on by the cloud of freon gas that had filled the front part of the store about twenty minutes earlier. Apparently the compressor for the bakery case essentially blew up, and a white cloud of gas filled the area, enveloping Heather...weird...it was her last night and she gets a cloud of freon in the face. A minute later the store was evacuated and my boss was on top of things. We waited outside for over an hour for the stuff to clear out (both Heather and my boss were really dizzy)...it would have probably been safe to reopen the store but in the interest of being safe we didn't...good thing. We got to chill out on the deck telling people that we were closed. I was pleasantly suprised at some of the reactions of people when they found out we were closed (ranging from genuine consternation to yelps of angish)...Mozart's is a very popular and well-loved place. We had a good conversation about that (my boss is a really cool guy)...I'll probably write about Mozart's itself, and mabye even my boss, in a future post. But yea, not an ordinary day at Mozart's and the first day in a weird week.
Tuesday - I ran...weird enough, but it was the distance, and where I ran which was really messed up. Tuesday had, once again, been fairly normal (apparently the weirdness likes to wait until around sunset to kick in), I got home from school. Mike went to work. I decided to take another attempt at jogging, where, as Ron Burgandy pointed out, you just run, for extended periods of time. I downed some gatorade and drove to the Congress Avenue Bridge (parking in the Statesman parking lot). I took off running down the town lake trail hoping that mabye, for the first time ever, I could run three miles without stopping. I ran along, managing to control my pace and breathing I made good progress as I admired all of the other people out trying to add an element of fitness to their lives, or at the very least enjoying the twilight hour in the beautiful city of Austin. Then it got weird...I crossed over the pedistrian bridge and was almost to Mopac when I realized that I still had alot left in the tank. So I kept running...I made it up a hill past Mopac and I realized that if I made it all the way to Mozart's I would have run around five miles...a seemingly impossible feat (but not so impossible...I just lack confidence in my physical abilities)...I had around two miles to go down Lake Austin Blvd...a long and fairly straght street that made the distance longer. I pushed and pushed myself and made it to the traffic light at Redbud Trail...just a few blocks more...I could do it...and I did...disproving myself. I love disproving myself...I was generally proud of myself. For me, running five miles is an olympian feat for me. I stumbled onto the deck at Mozart's...much to the suprise of my co-workers Becky and Matt who were sitting at a table. "I just ran here...*heavy breathing*... from the Congress Avenue Bridge...*more heavy breathing*..." I blurted...then I spent the next 30 minutes just walking around and doing some much deserved panting. Running to Mozart's was a surreal experence...it's out of the way, a place I could never image running to.
To be contenued...
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Dear God What a Tangled Web we Weave
I just sent the following letter to the Univeristy Star in response to the unfortunte example of (not) Christ's message that was presented at Texas State last week. I'll have more to say about Jed Smock and his kind later, but for now look over my letter and respond with any comments. I had a lot that I wanted to say, but was limited to 300 works.
Thanks,
- Jordan
---
This past week, many Christians, including myself, had to defend our beliefs from a man who spread a perverted message of hate while claiming to represent Jesus Christ.
The image that the “reverend” Jed Smock presented was not of Jesus Christ, but of a hateful, judgmental and bitter man who has apparently ignored Christ’s message for the sake of his ego. Many at Texas State are already distrustful of the Biblical message. Jed Smock only serves to add to the confusion of people searching for truth, and increase that distrust. Christ invoked a message of love for humankind, regardless of any variables, giving the command: “love your neighbor as yourself”. Christians are supposed to follow Christ’s example of love above all else. During his ministry, Jesus reserved the vast majority of his harsh words not for the people that are most likely perceived as “sinners”, but for the religious elite, the Pharisees, who claimed to be morally perfect, just as Smock does. They are the people who received the brunt of Christ’s judgment. Smock professes that he is a morally perfect person. This is not possible according to the Bible, which teaches that “all sin and fall short of the Glory of God”. Romans chapter 3 says: “there is no one righteous, not even one”. It is though faith and God’s grace, not by works or actions, Mr. Smock, that we are saved. Only God is without sin. By claiming to be sinless, Smock is not only being un-biblical, he’s being outright blasphemous by claiming moral equality with God.
I can only hope that students will see past Smock’s self-righteous display, and that their perception of God (whether they believe in God as real, or merely a man-made concept) will not be shaped by such a un-Christ-like person.
- Jordan
Thanks,
- Jordan
---
This past week, many Christians, including myself, had to defend our beliefs from a man who spread a perverted message of hate while claiming to represent Jesus Christ.
The image that the “reverend” Jed Smock presented was not of Jesus Christ, but of a hateful, judgmental and bitter man who has apparently ignored Christ’s message for the sake of his ego. Many at Texas State are already distrustful of the Biblical message. Jed Smock only serves to add to the confusion of people searching for truth, and increase that distrust. Christ invoked a message of love for humankind, regardless of any variables, giving the command: “love your neighbor as yourself”. Christians are supposed to follow Christ’s example of love above all else. During his ministry, Jesus reserved the vast majority of his harsh words not for the people that are most likely perceived as “sinners”, but for the religious elite, the Pharisees, who claimed to be morally perfect, just as Smock does. They are the people who received the brunt of Christ’s judgment. Smock professes that he is a morally perfect person. This is not possible according to the Bible, which teaches that “all sin and fall short of the Glory of God”. Romans chapter 3 says: “there is no one righteous, not even one”. It is though faith and God’s grace, not by works or actions, Mr. Smock, that we are saved. Only God is without sin. By claiming to be sinless, Smock is not only being un-biblical, he’s being outright blasphemous by claiming moral equality with God.
I can only hope that students will see past Smock’s self-righteous display, and that their perception of God (whether they believe in God as real, or merely a man-made concept) will not be shaped by such a un-Christ-like person.
- Jordan
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